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Monday, July 27, 2015

It never rains in Southern California

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s!Periodic!Horoscope! for JustAnotherManiacallyManicuringManlyManateesInManchurianMantillasMonday,  July TwennySebbenst, 2015.

We find Ourselves (did YouPeople even realize We had gone missing?) currently in the sign of Leo, Our most recent video for which is above. (Our very first Leo video is below.)

Long-time Gentle Readers will recall that We are somewhat fixated on Leos, being as they are the undisputed sexiest sign of the zodiac.

(Whoever started disputing…just shut up.)

Speaking of sexy Leos, lettuce get right to it, shall We?  Happy birthday to Will, who turns twenty-four today  right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.  Happy birthday also to Summer, who also turns twenty-four today, also right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.

And, last but not Lee Strasberg, happy birthday to newcomer Josh, who may not EVEN turn twenty-four today, albeit (and who doesn’t love a good “albeit”) right here in the self-same aforementioned City.  Josh is currently appearing in BrainSpunk Theatre’s Mercury Fur,  more on which in several paragraphs hence.

And now, We shall say “and now” again.  Also, in the time-honored tradition (well, since February-or-so, anyway) of Eric’s!Periodic!Horoscope!, We hereby wish Happy Belated Birthdays to the most-mouth-watering birthday suits to have celebrated birthdays since last We e-pisstled.  So, Happy Belated Birthday to Adam, Allen, Christopher, Eric, Erik , Joe, Josh, Matt, Michael, Scott, and Zach.

Before We put paid to  the subject of birthday wishes, We realized in the course of writing this that, of the gentlemen wished Happy Birthdays above, We have seen exactly ONE  of them in his birthday suit.

What the hell is up with that? All of you gentlemen whom We have NOT seen in your birthday suits, please send Us pixtures of the birthdays suits in question. (How many times do We need to repeat this until YouPeople realize that We ARE NOT JOKING?) 

(In the interest of accuracy, We have ALSO seen one of the aforementioned gentlemen almost in his birthday suit.  But “almost” only counts in whore shoes, so come back and finish the job, already.)

Despite the fact that none of YouPeople missed Us, We have, in fact, been gone.  We were at The Sainted Mother’s for a week, and also family reunionating.  The obligatory “Our Feet At The Pool” selfie is above, for all of Our foot-fetishist Gentle Readers.  (You’re welcome. (This version of Micro$oft Weird™ is apparently so old that it doesn’t recognize the word “selfie”.  Sigh.))

Speaking of family reunions, We had a dream last night in which We were working at some very posh hotel or some such in Los Angeles (or “El Lay”, as We like to call it).  We were getting ready to do Our murder mystery in the ENORMOUS classic marble lobby of same, when a torrential downpour caused the place to flood (despite the fact that it allegedly never rains in Southern California).  

Once We got the flood cleared up, Our family reunion arrived to see the murder mystery.  Everyone was wearing tuxedoes and evening gowns (appropriately by gender (it being Our family, We know you had questions)).

We woke up before the show actually happened, but not before We had seen Paul Newman twice during the proceedings. 

YOUNG Paul Newman.  

YOUNG, NOT-DEAD Paul Newman.

Lest you think We only dream about sexy celebrities, a day or two ago We had a dream in which Danny DeVito was helping Us paint Our living room.

But enough of all that…let’s get some culture up in this here jawn.  

On Friday night, the Murder Mystery Factory being closed due to lack of interest, We collected a handsome young gentleman of Our acquaintance (well, technically, he collected Us, but whatevs) and headed off to war-torn Kensington to see BrainSpunk Theatre’s Mercury Fur,  starring the aforementioned Josh, and a host of other dazzlingly talented folks, and directed by another dazzlingly talented Josh, who, coincidentally, appears in the “happy belated birthday” list above.  (But whom We have NOT seen in his birthday suit.  (Nor even ALMOST in his birthday suit. (Just to be clear.)))

We knew almost nothing about the play going in, and so were in a state of almost constant awe at the proceedings.  The play itself is poetic and lyrical without ever veering into esoteric incomprehensibility, and the direction and performances are so spot-on and committed that We would venture to say this was one of Our favorite evenings in the theatre in a long time.

We will share some links to some (stellar) reviews in a moment,  but what they do not stress is that, controversial subject matter aside,  the play itself is more or less traditional, not at all avant garde, and completely accessible (and We mean that all in the very best way…We hate plays that try to be smarter than the audience, and that employ weirdness for weirdness’s sake).

We shall also point out, because We are shallow like that, that the cast of this play is one of the overall most attractive casts We’ve seen in quite a while as well.

Math not being Our strong suit, We are nevertheless fairly certain that you only have four chances left to see this show.  And you MUST see this show.  Get your tickets here:!tickets/c9a0

And here:

Tell ‘em Starzina sent ya.


In other news, fuck the motherfucking Pope.  The goddamn President of the United States can come to Philadelphia, and everybody goes about their goddamn business as usual, but some old man in a dress shows up, and suddenly We’re gonna be a police state.  Go visit somewhere else, fucker.


As We mentioned earlier, We are now, of course, in the sign of Leo, Our video for which is above.  And here, because it is also brillllllliant, is Our original Leo video, which was the very third video We made:

Here are the links with which you may share those videos with both of your friends:

As a Public Service to those of you who are nude here…er, new here, here is a link to a previous e-pissode, which contains, amongst other things, an amusing review of Fifty Shades of Grey: 

Moving on, didja know that We have been e-pisstling e-pissodes of these e-pisstles in one form or another since 2001?  Every scintillating e-pissode from 2005, for instance, (now TEN YEARS OLD) can be found in charming dead-tree format here: 

In celebrity birthday news, there is not much going on today.  (Bobbie Gentry, anyone?  Anyone?)  It is, We are informed, Kenny Wormald’s birthday today.  Kenny Wormald, We are also informed, starred in the recent Footloose remake.  We are unfamiliar with his work, but, despite the fact that he is no Kevin Bacon, We would venture to say that he IS  one of Our future ex-husbands.

Thank Gawd We didn’t stray from the point.

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne
 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.