Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s!Periodic!Horoscope! for JustAnotherManiacallyManicuringManlyManateesInManchurianMantillasMonday, July Sixst, 2015.
We find Ourselves (did YouPeople even realize We had gone missing?) currently in the sign of Cancer, Our most recent video for which is above. (Not a bove, which We originally typed, but which makes no sense. (As if that’s ever stopped Us before.)) Our very first Cancer video be be low.
(B B King…oh, shut up.)
Lettuce get right to it, shall We? Happy birthday to Ty, who turns twenty-four today somewhere in Greater Bostonia.
Also, happy birthday also to Our future ex-husband The Lovely And Talented Justin, who also turns twenty-four today, for the very first time, in, to the best of Our knowledge, The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.
And now, We shall say “and now” again. Also, in the time-honored tradition (well, since February-or-so, anyway) of Eric’s!Periodic!Horoscope!, We hereby wish Happy Belated Birthdays to the most-mouth-watering birthday suits to have celebrated birthdays since last We e-pisstled. So, Happy Belated Birthday to BoPeep, Brian, Chris, Ed, Greg, Jeff, Michael, and Nick.
And, last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Belated Birthday to Our other future ex-husband The Lovely And Talented Ross, all the way out in WeHo El Lay, as well as to The Lovely And Talented Sean, who is most likely not Our future ex-husband, but who IS one of the most beautiful people We have ever seen in real life, and thus deserving of special mention. (We are now pixturing him blushing. We may have to pause to locate Our smelling salts.)
Before We put paid to the subject of birthday wishes, We realized in the course of writing this that, of the gentlemen wished Happy Birthdays above, We have seen exactly ONE of them in his birthday suit.
What the hell is up with that? All of you gentlemen whom We have NOT seen in your birthday suits, please send Us pixtures of the birthdays suits in question. (How many times do We need to repeat this until YouPeople realize that We ARE NOT JOKING?)
As We mentioned earlier, We are now, of course, in the sign of Cancer, Our video for which is a bove. (Heh.) And here, because it is also brillllllliant, is Our original Cancer video, which was the very second video We made:
Here are the links with which you may share those videos with both of your friends:
As a Public Service to those of you who are nude here…er, new here, here is a link to Our previous e-pissode, which contains, amongst other things, an amusing review of Fifty Shades of Grey:
Today’s e-pisstle will contain no movie reviews, amusing or otherwise. Because, ladies and genitals, today We are here to BITCH.
On the plus side, We didn’t write this e-pisstle whatever day that was last week that We almost sat down to write it, when it would have been nothing BUT bitching.
Fortunately for YouPeople, We were pulled out of Our tailspin of bitchwitchery by a lovely 4th of July party on, as luck would have it, the 4th of July. (Thanks, Catherine and Matt!)
So We’re still gonna bitch, but We’re gonna bitch BRIEFLY. (You’re welcome.)
The Murder Mystery Factory was cancelled due to lack of interest all weekend, which, while it was lovely to have the days off, meant We didn’t make any money for the weekend.
Speaking of jawbs, We lost what should have been a sure-fire one last week, and We weren’t even invited to the meeting where We could have cast a (losing) vote against Our loss of same. We learned about Our loss in a four-days-later response to a text We sent. (Classy, no? Not, of course, as bad as the job We submitted for last fall, which We learned We didn’t have this spring by reading an article in the newspaper.)
You know what? We’ve got a whole litany of other crap that’s been dealt to Us, but We’re just gonna LET IT GO.
(Again, you’re welcome.)
Moving on, didja know that We have been e-pisstling e-pissodes of these e-pisstles in one form or another since 2001? Every scintillating e-pissode from 2005, for instance, (now TEN YEARS OLD) can be found in charming dead-tree format here: http://www.lulu.com/shop/eric-singel/erics-daily-horoscope-2005/ebook/product-17475744.html ?
In celebrity birthday news, did anyone else realize that Sylvester Stallone and George W. Bush were both born on the exact same day (today, DUH)? They are each sixty-nine. Burt Ward, of TV Batman fame, meanwhile, was born the same day a year earlier, and thus is seventy. (In lieu of a vulgar “sixty-nine” joke, lettuce imagine them all born on the same day, in the same hospital, and being switched-at birth… thereby making Rocky president, and putting Dumbya in leotards…)
Who’s got the mental floss?
Thank Gawd We didn’t stray from the point.
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.