You’re out of the woods, you’re out of the dark, you’re out of the night.

                                        

                                                                                                                                                           

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Tuesday, April 05, 2011.  Happy birthday to MizDonna, who turns twenty-four today.  She is, of course, one of Our fellow Arieses...Aryans…plurals are difficult, especially around the holidays.  At any rate, We hope there is cake. (We Our Own Self Personally are way too fat for cake.  Although it has just this minute occurred to Us that, if they can make Carrot Cake, they should certainly be able to make Celery Cake, and THAT should be low calorie, yes? (How many of you saw that capital-C “Carrot” and thought We were going to talk about Carrottop?  Now THERE’S a weight-loss plan. Google his ass and look at some images…bulimia was never so simple. (You’re thinking about Carrottop’s ass now, aren’t you?  Perverted wankers.)))

Meanwhile, Micro$oft Weird™ would like Us to change the “way too” in “way too fat” in the preceding paragraph to “excessively”.  Micro$oft Weird™ is gay.

So today, when nefarious demons of the WorldWideInterWebNetz are NOT terrorizing Us by attempting to plunder Our two shekels that We have to rub together, it has decided to be monsoon season outside.  April Showers bring Stephanie Powers, or something. Fortunately, Our neglected to-do list from yesterday contains many tasks that can be accomplished within OurHovelWhereWeDwell. (Why would anyone actually sit around and rub two shekels…er, nickels together?  And does that sound dirty to you?)

Speaking of Our impecunity (it has been a really long time since We’ve declared an Eric’s Daily Horoscope Word Of The Day Du Jour in here…mostly We just assume, thereby making an ass out of Uma Thurman as she thinks about Carrottop’s ass, that you are following along.  But We may have to invent that “impecunity” is the Word Of The YEAR.), We were on SitOnMyFaceBook earlier, on Stouffer’s page (yes, the frozen food people.  If you “like” their page, and play the little game there, they will send you a coupon for a free frozen dinner.  You’re welcome.) We were entering some little sweepstakes that they have, wherein you supply words, a la Mad Libs™, which are used to create a little story, which becomes your contest entry.  Now, We are well aware that sometimes Our sense of humor may be a little more ribald that MainStream America (puke) can handle, so We were being well-behaved.  Or so We thought.  Here is what the clearly deeply disturbed people at Stouffer’s said to Us:

“Please keep your answers clean! You need to change the word: fricassee.”

We couldn’t make up comedy like that.                                                

Meanwhile, We enjoyed this so much the other day, We thought We’d do it again.  (And, apparently, again, and again, and again. ((And again and again and again some more.(We figger We might as well amuse Our Own Self. (In fact, We may just do it forever and ever.  Or at least till its existence is acknowledged.))):

And so, without a boy named Sue:

Ivory soap, Ivory soap on order.
Hop On Pop, Rwanda made an error.
Ivory soap, Ivory soap on order..
‘Mo, ho, ho, hoMO, ho, ho, hoMO, ho, ho, homo!

Is it time for an inventory? (No, but it’s time for the Spanish Inquisition.  Because NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition!)

Even if your workplace has all its stuff well accounted for, (Pigfu(kers.)

you might find some merit in taking stock of what you’ve got around the house. (Well, We at one point had two shekels to rub together.  But apparently that was more fun than We were allowed to have.)

No one wants to be a hoarder, right?  (Little shop, little shop of hoarders…(We shall sing if We want to.  Fricassee you!))

As always, it’s important that you succeed right now (Can We succeed later?  We’re busy now.)

— but it’s even more important that you avoid putting too much pressure on yourself.  (ExACTly.  Why procrastinate today when We can put it off till tomorrow?)

Go easy! (“Easy” is Our middle name.  Well, Our middle initials.  Starzina E. Z. Starfish-Browne.  The Z is neither for Zelda nor for Zinnia.  And the E is silent.)

(That was a little existential humor, for the Zen Buddhists in the house.  (The Z is not for Zen Buddhist, either. (Nor is the E for Existential. (It’s like the sound of one hand clapping, except it’s one deaf-mute laughing.))))

 Pressure, stress and self-doubt are your biggest enemies right now, (And We’re pretty sure Carrottop’s ass is high on the list, as well.)

(Count your damn blessings that We went back to Carrottop’s ass…We were going to do a “biggest enemas” pun.  In GALLONS.)

and they could cause a bit of a landslide if you’re not careful. (BWAH-HA-HA-HA-HAH!!!  “Biggest enemas”…”landslide”…more like a MUDSLIDE!!!  Carrottop’s ass fricassee!)

(That would be called throwing your proverbial enema at the comedy wall to see what sticks.)

The good news is that you already have all the power you need to conquer anything — (See, this is why Dorothy should punch Glinda the Good Witch right in her curly blond face….”You’ve ALWAYS had the power to go home”.  Oh, yeah, bitch?  Well, why the fu(k didn’t you tell me that at the BEGINNING of the movie, you stupid twat?)

(Sorry, was that the outside voice?)

it’s deep inside of you.  (Trust Us, no it isn’t.)

When you need it, all you have to do is believe and it will be there. (This is more of that creative viZZZualization horseshit, isn’t it? Much like every week when We creatively viZZZualize what We will do when We win PowerBall™, and then We don’t fu(king win PowerBall.)

(Was anyone else totally impressed that Micro$oft Weird™ just accepted “horseshit” without batting an eye?)

 If you’re interested in someone, but don’t know what makes them tick — or ticked off — (Try fisting them with the arm you wear your wristwatch on.)

(Heh.  Didn’t see THAT coming, didja?)

then you need to channel your inner detective (Unfortunately for Us, Our inner detective is Miss Marple, and that’s just nasty.)

and find out all you can about their passions (For fashions and cravings for savings?)

and obsessions. (Screw that…find out if they’re fond of fricasseeing.)

*****************************************************************************    

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

D@mned if I do ya, d@mned if I don’t

Greetings, Exsanguinated Rabbit, Intravenous Carrotjuice---


(Oh, so “carrotjuice” isn’t a word, eh, Micro$oft Weird™? How about Carrottop? Oh, you deny him also? Well, right away We give you a pixture, to implant him indelibly in what passes for your mind. Said pixture is subtitled “The Year Of Aging Gracefully”, and it is, of course, the Eric’s Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Sil Vous Plait Avec Moi Ce Soir Pourquoi Faw Faw Faw. (Our apologies to the rest of all y’all, but Micro$oft Weird™ needed to be learned a lesson.))


(Don’t even get Us started on “exsanguinated”.)


Here is your horoscope for Tuesday, March 30, 2010 (Happy birthday to Aileen, and to Mark, both of whom turn twenty-four today. “Today” being, of course, much the same as “tonight”, what with the perpetual darkness, and the monsoon, and all. We would spit on this weather, but then something else would no doubt spring a leak.):


(We spent last evening in Sketch Comedy Class at Drexel (We are Assisting The Teacher, not Taking The Class. Because, seriously, what would We do with Ourselves if We had any more class than we already do?). Those chirren are so cute and adorable and full of enthusiasm, One just wants to pick them up and rub them all over One’s body. Who knew there were rules about such things?)


(Other than that, We got nothin’. To quote The French, “Merde…il pleut.” (Long-time readers may recall Our sighting of an umbrella that said exactly that. Should one desire to acquire same, One could betake Oneself here: http://www.raindropsto.com/product/Adult_Umbrellas/MIP/ . They also have them in English, but somehow “Sh1t…it’s raining” doesn’t have the je ne sais quoi of “Merde…il pleut”. (Also also, this will put to rest the wicked rumors that We made up Our umbrella sighting. While We do from time to time, here at Eric’s Daily Horoscope, exaggerate for dramatic effect, or embellish as poetic license, or, indeed, fabricate out of whole cloth (or, as it has been so crudely put to Us, “make sh1t up”), We do NOT “make sh1t up” in French. Jeebus!)))


(We have asked all y’all part of this before, and by now, We know better than to ever expect an answer about anything, but We shall give it The Old College Try (which, after today’s horoscope, will forever involve rubbing college students all over Oneself): We have mentioned that We get junk mail addressed to Andrew Baker. We have now started getting legitimate messages from LinkedIn (of which We are in fact a member) addressed to Debra Leigh. Are such things happening to anyone else, or are We special? (You did know to say “special” like a ‘tard, didn’t you?))

(Our Our-O-Scope.)



You prefer to do things your way, but you are more open to others’ ideas than they may realize. (Yeah, whatevs. Meanwhile, as if Our life weren’t (subjunctively) difficult enough, We have just discovered that the horoscope that Kelli emails Us is not the same horoscope One reads if One goes to her website. Moreover, the audiofile horoscope that One hears on her website is not the same as either of them. Clearly, these is some ginormous Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulational) disconnect going on. At any moment now, We expect the curtain of the temple to be rent in twain, whereupon We shall no doubt commence to party like it’s 1999, do the hokey-pokey, and shake It all about.)


(First, however, We shall rub a college student all over It.)


Show off a little by deferring to one of your kids (Say what?)


or a coworker who feels unappreciated. (As We are working all alone here, We shall no doubt have to appreciate Our Own Selves. (Is “appreciating Oneself” one of them euphemism thingies? If so, it doesn’t have quite the oomph of a “waxing the carrot” or “banging the bishop”. (To say nothing of “prostituting the Pope”…what the h3ll is up with THAT?)))


Most people probably wouldn’t believe it, and your secret is definitely safe here, but you actually become quite emotional during the full moon — which is happening today, by the way. (Well. Doesn’t that just explain a great deal?)


In your sign’s case, this celestial movement will activate a conflict between home and career. (We feel an “Immaculate Exception” reference coming on. (For the very brand newbiest of the very brand newbs, the Immaculate Exception is when you p00p but you don’t get any on ya. You’re welcome.))


You’ve felt this coming for a while, (We love when Kelli talks dirty to Us.)


so you won’t be surprised when it actually arrives. (Since We are “appreciating” Our Own Self, that is no doubt true. For the same reason, presumably, that One cannot tickle Oneself.)


You might even be glad it happened — once it’s over, of course. (Well, of course. If, by “of course”, you mean “duh”. Because, if it’s not over yet, One would have to be either glad it was happening, or glad it was going to happen. It’s called the English language, you dizzy git; learn it, live it, love it.)


What’s all the fussing and fighting about? (Also, what’s so funny about peace, love, and understanding? (Also also, Elsa from Oslo, what’s Elvis Costello up to these days?))


(Heh. Also also, Elsa from Oslo. We kill Ourself.)


Bring a much-needed sense of calm to a potential lover’s frazzled energy. (More to the point, bring a much-needed sense of clam to a pasta lover’s frazzled linguini.)


(Summer will be here soon. Reserve YOUR vacation time share in Eric’s mind NOW!)


Save the day with a sense of perspective and a can-do attitude that makes mincemeat out of the fracas. (“Can-do…mincemeat…fracas”…surely all y’all can do this joke your own selves.)


(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com

cowgrass…I’m lovin’ it.)