D@mned if I do ya, d@mned if I don’t

Greetings, Exsanguinated Rabbit, Intravenous Carrotjuice---


(Oh, so “carrotjuice” isn’t a word, eh, Micro$oft Weird™? How about Carrottop? Oh, you deny him also? Well, right away We give you a pixture, to implant him indelibly in what passes for your mind. Said pixture is subtitled “The Year Of Aging Gracefully”, and it is, of course, the Eric’s Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Sil Vous Plait Avec Moi Ce Soir Pourquoi Faw Faw Faw. (Our apologies to the rest of all y’all, but Micro$oft Weird™ needed to be learned a lesson.))


(Don’t even get Us started on “exsanguinated”.)


Here is your horoscope for Tuesday, March 30, 2010 (Happy birthday to Aileen, and to Mark, both of whom turn twenty-four today. “Today” being, of course, much the same as “tonight”, what with the perpetual darkness, and the monsoon, and all. We would spit on this weather, but then something else would no doubt spring a leak.):


(We spent last evening in Sketch Comedy Class at Drexel (We are Assisting The Teacher, not Taking The Class. Because, seriously, what would We do with Ourselves if We had any more class than we already do?). Those chirren are so cute and adorable and full of enthusiasm, One just wants to pick them up and rub them all over One’s body. Who knew there were rules about such things?)


(Other than that, We got nothin’. To quote The French, “Merde…il pleut.” (Long-time readers may recall Our sighting of an umbrella that said exactly that. Should one desire to acquire same, One could betake Oneself here: http://www.raindropsto.com/product/Adult_Umbrellas/MIP/ . They also have them in English, but somehow “Sh1t…it’s raining” doesn’t have the je ne sais quoi of “Merde…il pleut”. (Also also, this will put to rest the wicked rumors that We made up Our umbrella sighting. While We do from time to time, here at Eric’s Daily Horoscope, exaggerate for dramatic effect, or embellish as poetic license, or, indeed, fabricate out of whole cloth (or, as it has been so crudely put to Us, “make sh1t up”), We do NOT “make sh1t up” in French. Jeebus!)))


(We have asked all y’all part of this before, and by now, We know better than to ever expect an answer about anything, but We shall give it The Old College Try (which, after today’s horoscope, will forever involve rubbing college students all over Oneself): We have mentioned that We get junk mail addressed to Andrew Baker. We have now started getting legitimate messages from LinkedIn (of which We are in fact a member) addressed to Debra Leigh. Are such things happening to anyone else, or are We special? (You did know to say “special” like a ‘tard, didn’t you?))

(Our Our-O-Scope.)



You prefer to do things your way, but you are more open to others’ ideas than they may realize. (Yeah, whatevs. Meanwhile, as if Our life weren’t (subjunctively) difficult enough, We have just discovered that the horoscope that Kelli emails Us is not the same horoscope One reads if One goes to her website. Moreover, the audiofile horoscope that One hears on her website is not the same as either of them. Clearly, these is some ginormous Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulational) disconnect going on. At any moment now, We expect the curtain of the temple to be rent in twain, whereupon We shall no doubt commence to party like it’s 1999, do the hokey-pokey, and shake It all about.)


(First, however, We shall rub a college student all over It.)


Show off a little by deferring to one of your kids (Say what?)


or a coworker who feels unappreciated. (As We are working all alone here, We shall no doubt have to appreciate Our Own Selves. (Is “appreciating Oneself” one of them euphemism thingies? If so, it doesn’t have quite the oomph of a “waxing the carrot” or “banging the bishop”. (To say nothing of “prostituting the Pope”…what the h3ll is up with THAT?)))


Most people probably wouldn’t believe it, and your secret is definitely safe here, but you actually become quite emotional during the full moon — which is happening today, by the way. (Well. Doesn’t that just explain a great deal?)


In your sign’s case, this celestial movement will activate a conflict between home and career. (We feel an “Immaculate Exception” reference coming on. (For the very brand newbiest of the very brand newbs, the Immaculate Exception is when you p00p but you don’t get any on ya. You’re welcome.))


You’ve felt this coming for a while, (We love when Kelli talks dirty to Us.)


so you won’t be surprised when it actually arrives. (Since We are “appreciating” Our Own Self, that is no doubt true. For the same reason, presumably, that One cannot tickle Oneself.)


You might even be glad it happened — once it’s over, of course. (Well, of course. If, by “of course”, you mean “duh”. Because, if it’s not over yet, One would have to be either glad it was happening, or glad it was going to happen. It’s called the English language, you dizzy git; learn it, live it, love it.)


What’s all the fussing and fighting about? (Also, what’s so funny about peace, love, and understanding? (Also also, Elsa from Oslo, what’s Elvis Costello up to these days?))


(Heh. Also also, Elsa from Oslo. We kill Ourself.)


Bring a much-needed sense of calm to a potential lover’s frazzled energy. (More to the point, bring a much-needed sense of clam to a pasta lover’s frazzled linguini.)


(Summer will be here soon. Reserve YOUR vacation time share in Eric’s mind NOW!)


Save the day with a sense of perspective and a can-do attitude that makes mincemeat out of the fracas. (“Can-do…mincemeat…fracas”…surely all y’all can do this joke your own selves.)


(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com

cowgrass…I’m lovin’ it.)