Buy me some p3nis and Crackerjack™

(Is it just Us, or does today’s pixture not quite adequately capture what must have been the gravity of the actual historical situation? In this particular artist’s rendering, can One not just hear Brutus hissing through clenched teeth to Cassius, “If one more tired old queen walks in here wearing this exact same bedsheet, I swear I’m gonna stab him with a nailfile!”?)


(Beware the American Idols of March.)


Greetings, Ephratans Retreat Into Cloister---


(That there was a little Pennsylvania humor, for some of Our more far-flung Pennsylvania readers. (For Our less far-flung and/or non-Pennsylvania readers, Pennsylvania is home to such bulging(!) metropolises (metropoli? Metropolee? Metropoli? Metropol-ah-ha-ha-ha-ah-ha-ha-ha (Sorry.)) as Bird-In-Hand, Blue Ball, and Intercourse. (Seriously…go Google ‘em on Wikipedia if you don’t believe Us.) Less-colorfully-named Ephrata is in fact home to something called a cloister. (All y’all must feel smarter already just for being here this morning.)))


Here is your horoscope for Monday, March 15, 2010 (Happy Aforementioned Ides of March to all of Our backstabbing friends. And Happy Monday to the rest of all y’all.):


(You may recall that We mentioned yesterday that We were off to the the-AY-turrr to see Naked Boys Singing About Baseball (actually a play, sans singing, called Take Me Out at Plays and Players). Who knew We would have such a good time? We had heard of, but did not know much about, the play, which won a Best Play Tony™ a few years back; it is the story of the impact that a star Major League baseball player’s coming out of the closet has on his team. Beyond that, We knew that there was copious locker-room-related (all Our lives, We’ve thought “lockerroom” was all one word…now Micro$oft Weird™ tells Us it ain’t so. Ya live, ya learn.) male nekkididity. Imagine Our surprise to find that it is a pitch-perfect (heh…see what We did there?) script (albeit in need of a trim. Be advised that it’s three acts (“baseball is a game of threes”) with a few chunks that cry out for blue-penciling. (On the plus side, it never felt long.)) It is almost uniformly (again, heh…this must be the easiest play in the world to write a review of) well-cast, from the leads (the player who comes out, who is refreshingly egotistical and obnoxious, and his best friend on the team, who also narrates (We just mistyped “narrates” in such a way that, as a correctly-spelled replacement, Micro$oft Weird™ suggested “marinates”. We’ll just pause here, while y’all try to conjure up a marinating narrator. (We should also mention that said marinating narrator is played by OurVeryOwnMisterBill…kudos!))), to the showboat parts (the redundantly retarded redneck, the two-snaps-in-a-circle gayGayGAY!!! accountant to the star player (on a side note, to Patrick (hi, Patrick)…the guy who played the accountant played the husband in Winchester (Winchester, for the rest of all y’all, was the first place winning play (written by Patrick) in last year’s Vagabond Festive One-Act Play Festival); he was not, on that occasion, two-snaps-in-a-circle gayGayGAY!!!))), to many of the secondary roles (We were particularly enamored of the performances of the gentleman who played the Japanese player (who unfortunately, scriptwise, would have fallen victim to a lot of Our desired blue-penciling) and the gentleman who played the catcher. (Somehow, even though We’re talking about baseball, that still sounds dirty.) And may We just mention, nekkididity-wise, that the nekkid gentlemen in said lockerroom (shut up, Micro$oft Weird™) take actual showers with actual running water onstage! (Not that this is a big deal. Back in the day when We Our Own Selves Personally used to work at the theater in question, We often took showers on stage. But that was because the roof leaked.) At any rate, you have two more weeks to catch (heh) this, so run (heh), do not walk (heh). Info here: http://www.playsandplayers.org/performance/takemeout )


(Whew! That’s a lotta stuff about baseball! Give Us a minute while We wring out Our j0ckstrap, and then let’S move on to:)


(Our Our-O-Scope.)


Pillows, chocolate, gourmet food and quality entertainment. (And yet, an alarming paucity of verbs. A dearth, if you will.)


(Ah, grammar! How We love thee!)


That's what you're after -- and that's all you'll be after. (On the other hand, We are, of course, before E, except after C.)


In short, (Too late.)


if it doesn't involve intimate, (Apparel?)

upfront and personal contact with charming companions and creature comforts, (Colon cleansers, carbon copies, and chicken cacciatore.)


(What? Clearly she was playing a game where she listed compound phrases beginning with C. Kiss Us quick, We’re Carol Channing. (“Corn? When did I have corn?” (Unlike Us Our Own Selves, that joke just never gets old.)))


you won't be interested. (We will, however, continue to be interestING. Usually to all the wrong people, but still. (Oh, please. Micro$oft Weird™ can suggest “marinate” for “narrate”, but doesn’t know what We mean when We accidentally type “worng”?))


Be fair. (Also, be a clown. Also also, be true to your school. Also also also, Bea Arthur. (Speaking of which, didja hear that Peter Graves died? No idea what one has to do with the other, but We never saw the two of ‘em together. Just another thing that makes ya go “Hmmm….”))


Share the wealth with someone who deserves it. (That would be Us.)


Want to put an end to the tension between you? Insist that you meet face-to-face. (We let those two sentences go by together so that you’d have ‘em at the ready to re-read when We mention to you that second-person pronouns are difficult, particularly when you (heh) are addressing someOne who refers to hisself using The Royal We.)


(All this grammar in here today…a number of Our more grammaphilic readers must be on the verge of 0rgasm. Our Sistah Ovella, OurShaun, Petr, and MizJill leap to mind. (Dunno ‘bout Ovella, Shaun, and Petr (did anyone else just hear that as "Kukla, Fran, and Ollie"?), but We are willing to bet that MizJill never imagined Us giving her an 0rgasm.))


Be sure to evacuate all innocent bystanders before the fireworks start. (Quick! Some Fleets™ Enemas for the innocent bystanders!)


What energy? (What hump?)


You'll be hard-pressed (And hand-painted.)

to do anything other than smile, grin or wink -- languorously -- at someone you find irresistible. (We sure hope We don’t mix up “languorously” with “vaingloriously”, or there’s going to be h3ll’s toupee.)


Anything else can wait until tomorrow. (Except procrastination. Because you really shouldn’t put that off. (On the other hand, if you don’t put off procrastinating, you really aren’t procrastinating as much as you could be, are you? Slacker.))


(And that seems like as good a closing thought as any. Beware the March of Dimes.)


(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:


http://www.humorscope.com


no cowgrass left behind.)