Just panties, what else do I need?

Greetings, Elbowgrease Removes Indelible Coffeestain---


Here is your horoscope for Saturday, March 20, 2010 (Yes, boyz and gurlzzz, now We’re just making up CompoundNouns to fu(k with Micro$oftWeird™. Try it; it’s fun! Happy FirstDay of Spring, and Happy FirstDay of Aries to OneAndAll, AllAndSundry, MichaelLandon, and AlBundy. (Give or take a day. Depending on what calendar you look at. Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulation) is, apparently, not an exact science. Who knew? (We just this second looked up and noticed that Micro$oftWeird™ actually accepted “elbowgrease”, thereby promptly spoiling all Our fun. Poo!))):


(Y’all of course realize what the arrival of Aries means…Aries birthdays! Not that there are any today, which is sad, because We could really enjoy some cake right about now. Speaking of cake, for those who are intrigued by bracketology but not all caught up in ballz (what did he say?), here’s this: http://jezebel.com/5496714/march-madness-the-cake-vs-pie-tournament which is work-safe (it’s about cake and pie, fercrissakes, and what are you doing at work on Saturday anyway?).)


(As far as today’s Eric’s Daily Horoscope Pixture Of The Day goes, in Chinese Ass(tlomarogicar) Ho(loscopuration) (Sound ‘em out, people…get hooked on Phonics! The first pipeful is free.), it’s The Year Of The Tiger, so that explains that. (Actually, it was the cheeriest pixture in Our files, and We made up the explanation on the spot just now. But if you think your illusions are shattered, how do you think We feel, as Micro$oft Weird™ has just informed Us that “pipeful” is not a word.))


(In other news, We believe We have mentioned in this forum that, following a discussion on another messageboard (oh, get with the program, Micro$oft Weird™!) to which We belong, We have been keeping a log of all the change We pick up in the street. (There’s just no way to say that that doesn’t sound filthy, is there?) Our year of recordkeeping ended at the end of March, and Our grand total was seven dollars and forty-four cents, plus fifty yen. That’s one dollar bill, six quarters, twenty-four dimes, thirteen nickels, one hundred eighty-nine pennies, and a fifty yen piece. Just think how fat We’d be if We hadn’t bent over all those times.))


(We will pause here, to allow Patrick to enjoy viZZZualizing Us bending over. Patrick, it seems, is fond of solar eclipses.)


(Also, We seem to recall asking all y’all how to turn Our fifty yen piece into real money. No one answered Us. Sigh.)


(Our Our-O-Scope.)


If you're not attached, (We are detached like a retina, Bay-Bee.)


cancel your appointments, (In the grand scheme of things, wouldn’t it be better if One could cancel One’s DISappointments? (Are We deep, or what? (Who said, “Or what.”?)))


get dressed and get out there. (Get dressed? What, you don’t find this ratty old bathrobe alluring? Not fetching enough, is it? Not your basic “come hither” bathrobe? Bugger off!)


(If you did not read the preceding bit with a Cockney accent, We will pause here while you go back and do.)


Your public -- specifically, one particular person -- is anxiously awaiting your debut appearance. (All things considered, We’re pretty sure One isn’t really famous if One’s “public” consists of one person. Just sayin’.)


If you're attached, (We’ve already covered this. Move on.)


don't let them out of your sight for a second. (Kiss Us quick, We’re Helen Keller. WAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!)


Whether you're asking or accepting, (Acquiescing or acceding, allemanding or assraping, aggravating or airplanegluesniffing…(Sorry.))


it's time to nod your head and reach out to shake -- or tenderly grasp -- someone's hand. (Alternatively, crush their fingers into a bloody pulp and laugh maniacally. They’ll never see that coming.)


Be confident. (What is this, a Depends™ commercial? (And what’s so confidence-inspiring about Depends™ anyway? Okay, so you can p1ss yourself in public and none leaks out. Big fu(kin’ deal…you’re still gonna sit there and smell like p1ss.))


It's all good. (Not really. It’s a big squishy diaper filled with p1ss. You will probably end up with a rash. How exactly is any of this inspiring confidence?)


Make your list, pretend Santa is on duty and read it -- along with an honorary mention of everything you've done right. (Honey, We done told you…it’s Spring. The mythological creatures of the moment are Jeebus and the Easter Bunny. Santa is way back there someplace.)


Then leave out some cookies. (Yeah. Just wait till you see the Christmas presents you get once Santa munches on some cookies that you’ve left out for NINE MONTHS. That big squishy diaper filled with p1ss will be the least of your problems.)


Hey, it can't hurt. (That’s what They always say, right before the pain starts.)


You've been treated unfairly, (Sing it, Sistah! We’re mad as h3ll, and We’re not gonna take it any more. We are Norma Rae’s little sister, Norma Desmond Rae. We are ready for Our close-up, Max.)


(What just happened?)


and you've had it. (Correct Us if We’re wrong (and We thought We were wrong once, but We were mistaken), but isn’t Our major problem that We haven’t had it?)


You're ready to rock on outta there -- after a few choice words to the responsible parties. (Can We say those few choice words to the responsible parties while wearing Our irresponsible panties?)


(You’re waiting for Us to bend over again, aren’t you?)


(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:


http://www.humorscope.com


just wait till We get Our cowgrass on you)