We’re gonna be on Ed Sullivan

Greetings, Elbow Replacement Isn’t Cosmetic---


Here is your horoscope for Wednesday, March 31, 2010 (Happy Hemp Day! (That was for some of Our friends whom We haven’t seen in a while.) Meanwhile, those of all y’all who work Monday through Friday will be happy to learn that We were so very convinced that yesterday was Wednesday that today must assuredly be Thursday, and verily We say unto thee, thus tomorrow must be Friday. So it is written, so it shall be done, so long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye.):


(From the Are You Seriously Trying To Tell Us You Don’t Believe The Universe Fu(ks With Us Department (apropos of nothing, We just spelled “fu(ks” with an E in it. We are not having a good week.): yesterday afternoon, We were sitting on Our sofa, minding Our Own g0dd@mn business, when Our DVD player remote hurled itself from Our hand into Our coffee cup. “Odd,” sez We, as We mopped up the mess, “We’d no idea Our DVD player remote had suicidal tendencies.” Later, when The WaitStaff arrived for a writers’ meeting (for The Mother Of All Sketch Comedy Shows, coming to a theater near you in May), and We attempted to show them the DVD of the WaitStaff documentary (coming to a website near you, toot suite), We were only able to do so using the buttons on the front of the machine. Which did not bode well, as the buttons on the front of the machine do not begin to cover all of the functionality available on the remote (which We have always considered an egregious design flaw, but who ever listens to Us? (How many of you just said, “I’m sorry…what did you say?” Shut up, b1tches!)) After several hours of brilliance, the WaitStaff departed, and We began to contemplate the wreckage of Our remote. It would not turn the DVD player on or off, and, once said player was on, any button We hit on the remote either did not function at all, or changed the channel from 1 to 11 to 111.)


(Did We mention that, while the WaitStaff was here, We had recorded Lost? Yeah, We haven’t so much seen it yet.)


(Cut to Us, on the phone with customer service, explaining Our problem (sans the coffee-suicide part of the story, natch). “Sounds like you need a new remote,” sez he. “Ya think?” sez We. “But We are pretty sure We bought the thing over a year ago, so We are no longer under warranty.” “In that case,” sez he, “you will have to call Our parts department to purchase a new remote. They are open from 9 to 5.” “Of course they are,” sez We, refraining somehow from thanking him for speaking perfectly intelligible English because it seemed to be his first language (and We should point out that it was almost midnight, so We couldn’t imagine what godforsaken Third World outsourcing country We might wind up speaking to when We dialed the phone).)


(So now, with time on Our hands and no idiot box amusements at Our disposal, We began questioning if We were still under warranty or not. Do We keep records of such things? H3ll to the no…except for here, in the lovely archives of Eric’s Daily Horoscope. So We went digging…turns out We bought said machine on April 18 last year. Of course, when We called customer service back, it turned out they close at midnight.)


(Meanwhile, the punchline of the story is, when We got up this morning, the remote is dried out and working perfectly. The April, 2009 horoscope is below; We’re gonna go watch Lost.)


Greetings, Excavations Reveal Ionian Cathedral---


Here is your horoscope for Monday, April 20, 2009 (For reasons which will become clear to a very few of you within the week, We have the theme music from BENNY HILL stuck in Our heads today. If you were (subjunctively) witnessing Our lives first hand, you would realize what inappropriate underscoring this is.):


(Speaking of Benny Hill, Benny Hanna, Benny and the Jets, Jack Benny, Benny Buttons, Benny-Benny-Bo-Benny Banana-Fanna-Oh-Fu(k-It, Stop Us Before We Benny Again… The WaitStaff (Kinda) Saves The Earth! 8PM at L’Etage at 6th and Bainbridge, this Wednesday and Thursday, the 22nd and 23rd. Get your tickets now before we sell out: http://www.thewaitstaff.com .)


(Happy belated birthday to Marilyn, who turned twenty-four over the weekend. And happy birthday to Nima, who turns twenty-four today. He isn’t READING this, but what the h3ll? We’re magnanimous that way. We would NEVER, for example, calculate the difference between the number of people that WE wish happy birthdays to over the course of a year here in Eric’s Daily Horoscope and the number of people who bothered to wish US a happy birthday this weekend. Because THAT? Would be petty. (We feel petty, oh, so petty, we feel petty, and wetty, and fey….))


(So We were filling out a survey this weekend. As We do. Because We are impoverished. But We digress. It was a survey about Job Satisfaction. So you KNOW We are desperate for survey money, because We pretended We knew what that was. Turns out, We are miserable. Who knew? Not that We have any idea how to put a stop to it…nobody will give One a timeout while One fixes things, and good luck on a do-over. And We are oddly addicted to paying Our mortgage and Our other bills. Presumably this is why people have spouses. We could fancy Ourselves as a housewife of Splendiferous Fabulousity right about now. Sigh.)


(You will recall that Our DVD player has given up the playing of DVDs. And NOT just for Lent. So on Saturday We marched Our @sses (YES, they are plural. Seriously…have you SEEN Us recently? That was NOT a solar eclipse.) to Radio Shack. Have you any idea how embarrassing it is to tell Binky The Assistant Manager At Radio Shack that One can ONLY buy the new DVD player if One can comfortably CARRY it out of the store? Our world and welcome to it. (Now ask Us if We have had five minutes to Ourselves to read the instruction manual and plug the stupid thing in.))


(We had better start the horoscope…We are depressing Ourselves. On the other hand, We ARE fulfilling Our Eric’s Daily Horoscope mission statement by making YOUR lives seem (infinitely) better by comparison. So yay, Us.)


Life is a little unclear right now (No, it’s all pretty clear. Huge pain in the @ss, old age, then death. Oh, and the nicer you are? The more people fu(k with you. The end.)

-- there's not much you can do about it! (True dat, Boo.)


Just kick back (Now THAT? Is the best advice We’ve heard in YEARS. Decades, perhaps. Prepare for some kickage of colossal proportions.)


and see if you can get your friends and family to deal with ambiguity. (Well, they might, or they might not. (Heh. See what I did there?))


You can explain it all later. (We could explain it all now, too. But We ain’t gonna.)


Watch for frustration with your bank account right now. (We WOULD be frustrated with Our bank account, but We can’t afford the electron microscope We would need to examine it.)


You can get a handle on the stress your money issues are causing, but only if you keep cool. (I need you to be cool…are you cool? (If you got that, We owe you a bl0wjob. (A whole buncha str8 bois are now VERY confused.)))


Now is not the time to react with dramatic and panicky changes. (“Panicky Changes” being, of course, Our nickname in high school.)


Cut back on your budget too much, (We save money by using coupons. Where the h3ll IS this money?)


and you'll only beat yourself up (Can We beat Ourselves up and steal Our lunch money? Because that might improve Our budgetary issues. Or…oh. Wait. Never mind.)

when you aren't able to live with such stringent guidelines. (“Stringent Guidelines” being, of course, NOT Our nickname in high school.)


You can find a middle ground, making small changes that will make a big difference over time. (How glacial. Bordering on the geologic. I am the Ice Age, I am the walrus, koo-koo-ka-choob. (I owe you another bl0wjob. You lucky, lucky boy.))


Do not be impatient about this. (G0d grant Us patience, and grant it to Us right g0dd@mn NOW! (Also, don’t tell Us what to do.))


Love's interesting to a certain degree, but you realize, now more than ever, it's not everything. (It will not, for instance, teach Us how to use Our new DVD player. Or finish Our bathroom. Or…well, you get the idea. What’s love’s got to do, got to do with it?)


For the first time in a long time, you really appreciate the unique qualities of your single life. (Unique qualities. Yeah, that’s it.)


Everyone wants what you have; for once, so do you. (There are no words.)


(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com

cowgrass…the quality goes in before the shame goes on)