Greetings, Educational Radical Indoctrinates Children---Here is your horoscope for Monday, March 01, 2010 (Ah, March! As We have observed in bygone years, it goes, according to the old saying, in like a liar and out like a lamp. It’s a wonder anybody ever listened to anybody back in the days when They were making up all these old sayings, what with them all being so stupid and all.):
(In Our never-ending efforts to entertain all ya’ll, We are making one more stab at yesterday’s failed video. Following this is yesterday’s intro, and if it doesn’t work this time, We’re just cutting this whole part out.)
(And now, from a different corner of the WorldWideInterWebNetz, where people apparently have entirely too much time on their hands (We know…riiiight?), here’s this, which is totally work safe, but, if you’re at work on Sunday, you are a godless heathen, and you are due for a good smiting:)
(You know what? Google can suck Us. And it occurs to Us that, if We cut that bit all out, We don’t get credit for trying. So just go here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tk4i7OKWSJw .)
(Speaking of scary movies, today’s pixture is, of course, from Our forthcoming children’s film Hello Kitty Chainsaw Massacre. We decided that the children’s book market was too limited, what with the little b@stards having to learn to read first and everything, so We decided video was the way to go. Hey, you can park your illiterate two-year-old in front of Hello Kitty Chainsaw Massacre, and they’ll be entertained for hours, what with the 3D glasses, and the Smell-O-Vision™. To say nothing of the previews of coming attractions. (No, really. Say nothing.))
(This year, March 1 also marks the end of a year-long experiment in which We kept track of all the loose change We picked up in the street. (Our motto being, of course, as many of you have probably heard (and as the rest of you have no doubt surmised), “We will bend over for a penny.”) Our grand total for the year? Seven dollars and forty-four cents. And fifty yen. Which averages out to more than two cents a day. Which is, if We recall correctly, the amount They tell One it takes to feed an entire Ethiopian family for a week after Sally Struthers has eaten all their food. So that’s exciting, no? (We do still recall the day We found the fitty yen piece and mentioned it in here. We are still waiting for one of all y’all with fiscal acumen to tell Us how and where to cash its Chinese @ss in for real American money.))
(“Fiscal acumen”. BWAH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAH!!! We tickled Ourselves.)
(Our-O-Scope…)
Although you may feel a little like your head, heart or mind is on fire, (Burn, baby, burn…disco inferno!)
it's probably best to take time out (There’s a chair for that, you know.)
to analyze what and where your emotions are taking you. (If you feel like giving me a lifetime of devotion and causing a commotion then come on baby, do the locomotion. (It’s a mash-up. They’re all the rage. We’ve got Our finger on the pulse, you dig. Hey, why write your own music when you can vampirically leech off the talents of others?))
Issues to do with romance, (Do hot pants have hot pockets?)
(What?)
creativity or children (Hey, We already made a movie for the little fu(kers, what more do they want?)
can come up now (Much like that bulging can of Campbell’s™ PepperPot and Botulism soup you had for lunch.)
and you may feel a strong desire to get them sorted. (Or, better yet, get them assorted. That’s when you sort them with your @ss. If you do enough assorting, you will wind up with perky buttocks, no matter how old you are. So come on, baby, do the locomotion, I second that emotion, Love Potion Number Nine.)
Sorting things out may be rather difficult at the moment with Mars, your ruling planet, on the Sabian Symbol of A Man is Under Emotional Stress and Blood Rushes to His Head. (Jigga WHAT? What the h3ll was that last bit? (Oh, Jeebus Cripes. We just went and looked up “Sabian symbols”. Apparently, some clownhead in a wheelchair “channeled” a whole bunch of words to associate with each of the 360 degrees of the circle of the zodiac. If you think where they found Our Mars (bars) was bad, check this out: “Taurus 5: A Youthful Widow, Fresh and Soul-Cleansed From Grief, Kneels at an Open Grave to Receive the Secret of Eternal Life”. Oh, well then. That clears that right up. (We are not quite sure what the wheelchair has to do with the story, but We have been dying to use the term “stupidly-abled” on something or someone, and this seems like as good a time as any.)))
Of course, this can be a bad look, (Can you show Us on the doll where the bad man looked at you?)
especially if things get out of control. (How deep is the ocean? Emotion, devotion, to causing a commotion…it puts the lotion on its skin to fetch the things to make the potion to go to the festival…)
(Hey, you said “out of control", not Us.)
Meanwhile, you have 5 planets in your twelfth house, (So either We need to raise the rent or…hey, was that a fat joke?)
which shows the need to sit back, relax as much as you can and check out what's going on in your subconscious. (Can We check out what’s going on in Our submarine instead? Because it’s long, hard, and filled with seamen.)
Something is trying to tell you something (Well, that narrowed that right down.)
and call it your intuition, psychic awareness or the monkey chatter in your mind, (Sorry…”the monkey chatter ion your mind”? Is that some sort of Sabian Symbol? (What’s the Sabian Symbol for Fabian’s Thimble? Inquiring minds want to know…))
it's a good idea (There’ll be none of that around here, ThankYouVeryMuch!)
to listen but stick to what feels reasonable and real. (So. We shall stick to the wicket. And skip to the loo. And stand in the thicket and juggle the poo. (Our success in the children’s market is going to be unlimited! (Weebles™ wobble, but they don’t fall down. Unless they’ve been drinking. Like Daddy. Who drinks because you cry. Also, strangers have the best candy.)))
(YOUR-O-Scopes:
http://www.humorscope.com
Fat kids, skinny kids, even kids with chicken pox love cowgrass)
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