Hitler had only one big b@ll...

Greetings, Eclectic Robbers Invited Chief---


Here is your horoscope for Tuesday, March 09, 2010 (Today’s greeting is brought to you by Our brother-in-law, Teddy Jay. We may actually be on to something with this Mad Libs™ idea. Eventually, entire Eric’s Daily Horoscopes will be written by guest Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist)s, and We shall vacation on the Riviera. (“Riviera”, for those who are unilingual, is French for “downa shore”. Unlike “Chita Rivera”, which is French for “Dinah Shore”. French is peculiar that way because it’s a Romaine language. But lettuce not dwell on that…)):


(Perhaps We’ll just blame that entire paragraph on Teddy Jay and move on. But not before We point out that the ever-helpful Micro$oft Weird™ did indeed smell a rat at that “lettuce not dwell” stuff. It suggested that We change it to either “lettuce not dwells” or “lettuces not dwell”. Thanks, Micro$oft Weird™. Meanwhile, “dwell(s)” is a peculiar-looking word when you type it over and over again. Dweebles dwobble, but they dwon’t fall dwown.)


(What?)


(Clearly, We got nothin’. But surely you didn’t expect Us to watch another Justin Timberlake fillum. Unless he starts making p0rno, We suspect We have had about Our fill of his oeuvre. (“Oeuvre”, of course, is French for…well, never mind what, but We suspect Mister Timberlake doesn’t have a very big one.))


(We did, however, send out Our resume yesterday. Our theatre resume, that is. Which wouldn’t have been a very big deal, except when We went onto Our trusty computer to lay Our hands upon the thing, We couldn’t find it anywhere. We looked high, We looked low, We got high and looked some mo’. (We didn’t actually get high, We just thought We’d rap a little. You know, like the kids do.) Anyway, turns out the d@mn thing didn’t exist anywhere on Our hard drive, in Our email outbox, or on any zip disc or thumb drive. We couldn’t actually even think of the last time We had laid Our two eyes upon it. It is entirely possible that it bit the dust with Our previous computer. So, if you’ve seen Us perform in the past three years, We have been Working Without A Resume. Don’t tell the Theatre Police.)


(We have one now, of course. And lettuce just say (We’re gonna flog that joke till its grandhorses die), the only thing We like better than typing a document is formatting a document. Remember way back when, when there were people called secretaries who did all the typing? Sigh.)


(Micro$oft Weird™ didn’t make a peep about “lettuce just say”. It did not, however, see the humor in “grandhorses”.)


(Our-O-Scope…)


Your focus is good, (Sorry…what did you say?)


probably better than usual, (No, really…did you say something?)


and this heightened concentration makes this a good time to get things done. (That is why, as We are plumbing the serio-comic depths to bring you the daily epistle of joy and enlightenment that is Eric’s Daily Horoscope, We are also emptying the dishwasher. Because We will do anything to procrastinate away learning Our lines for the scene We have to do tomorrow.)


Anything that requires close attention to detail is especially highlighted, as are any and all practical tasks. (Here’s a little tip from someone who has actually been to college: if you use your highlighter to highlight everything on the page, you might as well not bother. KThxBye.)


Especially if you normally abhor routine and tedium, (Abhor, of course, is the missing Gabor sister. Routine is the missing RuPaul sister. And naturally, you all know the triplets, Tweedledee, Tweedledum, and Tedium. (Although apparently Micro$oft Weird™ doesn’t.))


(See, We did that because you were expecting either a wh0re joke or a joke about nature abhorring a vacuum cleaner, and We Do So Hate to be predictable. Especially since it’s been so long since We’ve been dictable at all.)


take advantage of the current energy to make progress in your bill-paying at home, your paperwork at the office, your errands around town ... (An ellipse (…), Our dear @sshat, usually implies that there are further things on One’s list that are being left unsaid. In Our humble opinion, your list of chores was quite long enough on its own, without ellipsing off into infinity. We are only One Person, fercrissakes, despite The Royal We. Give Us a g0dd@mn break.)


(Okay, this horoscope is getting really long, and, consequently, is getting on Our nerves. So We’re gonna leave this next chunk of Kelli’s blathering alone, for you to take in all in one piece…)


Since you're so focused on order and self-discipline, your improvement measures may focus on cleanliness or on eliminating waste and inefficiency. It's a great time to clean your house or office, to get rid of old clothes and other items cluttering up your closets and so on. This is an even better time to focus on work, however, as opposed to the home. Any new projects you tackle now will be done with superior attention to detail; you'll leave no loose ends when you're through. A possible positive side effect could be that your boss or another authority figure takes note of your serious, determined and focused attitude and decides to reward you with a raise or promotion!


(Is it just Us, or does she think We’re Hermann Goering? (No, seriously…read it again.))


(YOUR-O-Scopes:


http://www.humorscope.com


please don’t squeeze the cowgrass)