I’m glad I’m a man and so is Lola

(Before We even begin, here is the trailer for The Lovely And Talented Willam Belli’s fillum, Ticked-Off Trannies With Knives, which is about to be screened at the Tribeca Fillum Festival and is causing all sorts of hoo-ha with the Politically Correct H0m0 Set. (This is probably not safe for work, but it’s Saturday…what the h3ll are you doing at work anyway?))

Greetings, Evening’s Recreation Includes Cowpunching---


Here is your horoscope for Saturday, March 27, 2010 (Well, Happy Saturday, boyzzz and gurrlllzzzz! Apparently, you folks have plum given up on having birthdays. (“Plum”? (We just felt compelled to go Google that on Wikipedia. We were unsure as to whether it should be “plum” or “plumb”. Turns out, it can be either. And they’re both stupid.) ) So, for lack of anything better to do, We’re gonna have Our first-ever Eric’s Daily Horoscope Week In Review. The week started out, as weeks will, weak-willedly, on Monday, with a whole lotta stuff about d1ck on Stephen Sondheim’s birthday. So at least he was pleased. We also discovered that We have Cher Tourette’s Syndrome, which can only be cured by saying “Johnny Depp.” Then, on Joan Crawford’s birthday, We discovered that Kelli reruns her horoscopes, and We had a job standing in for Conan O’Brien for about ninety seconds until We discovered that the job was actually in Spain. On Hump Day, We invented both the Immaculate Exception (no, seriously…go look it up) and Authority Figure Skaters. On Thursday, We had a jawb with a black baby doll and were heard to declaim, “People who live in glass slippers smell like feet.” The less said about Friday, the better.):


(There. Now We’re all caught up. Plus, some n@ked skimmers heads just exploded. (Sometimes, when We think of Our n@ked skimmers, We amuse Ourselves by thinking about exactly how many of Our n@ked skimmers We have actually seen n@ked. It’s kind of a lot, especially for somebody as chaste as Our Own Self. (Funny how “chaste” and “chased” are such exact opposites, no? Not, of course, so much “funny: ha-ha” as “funny: who’d’ve thought the immersion blender had a setting for that?”)))


(Our Our-O-Scope.)


Try not to get too far ahead of yourself today (Wait, there’s more than one of Us? And here We thought The Royal We was just an affectation.)


-- everything needs to be done in its time. (Unless you’re in the parallel universe, in which case you should try to do everything…perpendicularly?)


If you try to skip ahead, you're sure to find yourself scampering to make up everything you thought you had avoided. (We hereby assure, nay, guarantee you that We? Neither “skip” nor “scamper”. Jeebus.)


You’ve never been known to rule with a heavy hand. (Was that a fat joke?)


You always lead sternly, and fairly, but you never make rules just because you can, and you never enforce anything you don’t absolutely need to. (This, of course, is why We’re so bad at S&M. (This, and the fact that the leather costumes make Us giggle.))


So when you suddenly start barking orders to one and all, (So We’re a dog now? Not for nothin’, but does this mean We can lick Our own b@llz?)


and they act like they don’t quite recognize you, be patient. (Oh, please. If We’re patient, they’ll never recognize Us.)


Peace in the kingdom will be restored before long. (So now there’s a kingdom? Somebody needs to start picking the lima beans out of her mixed metaphors. Just sayin’.)


The sum of the relationship is made up of careful attention to its parts. (Heh. So now, We’re reflecting on the parts of the various n@ked skimmers that We’ve seen n@ked. So, if your n@ked skimming has perchance caused your glance to alight on this partixular paragraph, We may currently be thinking about n@ked parts of you. So would it kill ya to surprise Us by dropping a line or leaving a comment? (Actually, it occurs to Us that We have pixtures (of the n@ked or semi-n@ked variety, natch) of some of y’all. (We should hasten to point out that today’s Eric’s Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Mon Frere Éclair Derrière is not (to the best of Our knowledge) one of Our n@ked skimmers, but We will certainly be making an effort to recruit him.)))


Sometimes you just want to overturn everything and start anew, but don’t toss out the baby with the bathwater. (Well, of course not. That bathwater might come in handy for something.)


Pay attention to the here and now. (Sorry…what did you say?)


(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:


http://www.humorscope.com


cowgrass. What’s in YOUR wallet?)