Greetings, Efficacious Refurbishment Instigates Communization---
Here is your horoscope for Tuesday, March 16, 2010 (Happy belated birthday to Our Cousin Brian, who turned twenty-four yesterday. No doubt a casualty of the loss of Our work calendar. If you find yourself a casualty of the loss of Our work calendar, please don’t suffer in silence; We really do want to wish you a happy twenty-fourth birthday. So lettuce know, ya know) :
(Other than that, We got nothing. We are off to Drexel to shoot a scene from The Producers for the advanced directing class. Kiss Us quick, We’re Zero Mostel. Or We’re the size of Zero Mostel. Or something. (We may have neglected to tell you the story from last week…when We went to class to perform Our scene (the original assignment having been to direct a scene to be performed live in front of the class), the teacher began the proceedings by asking how many people were unprepared to complete the assignment. Fully HALF of the class, that’s how many. “My actors from Craig’s List didn’t show up,” sez one. Craig’s List, people. We know that’s where We go whenever We want a new bicycle, and a bl0wj0b, and some actors. So these chirren now have to put their scenes on fillum to send to the teacher, who is in LA, no doubt being an extra on the set of How I Met Your Mother, speaking of which, they had the rerun of the one where Neil Patrick Harris was really fat on last night, and We accidentally caught it, and (A.) he was not as fat as We are and (2.) We’d still fu(k him.))
(We tried so hard not to digress there, and yet somehow We think We did anyway.)
(Our Our-O-Scope.)
If at all possible, reschedule your interviews or presentations. (Yeah. Like any of that is up to Us.)
It's not that you won't be on top of your game, (But it is highly unlikely that We will be on top of Neil Patrick Harris.)
but you won't be able to communicate the scope of those brilliant ideas as easily as you might at another time. (Somehow, We think We have wrung all the brilliance out of “I am wearing a cardboard belt!” that there is to be found, and changing the time really isn’t going to affect anything. Just a hunch.)
Hey, you're good enough to wait for. (All things considered, We’d rather be good enough to wait on. By a tasteful real waiter in a crisp white shirt and black pants two sizes too small. Who walks softly, carries a big stick, and says “fresh ground pepper?” in unctuous tones at appropriate intervals. It wouldn’t hurt if he could both define and spell “unctuous” in anti-unctuous tones in subsequent private circumstances. (Hey, a person can dream, can’t he?))
Explain that. (The word “that” is used in the English language for several grammatical purposes: to introduce a restrictive clause, as a demonstrative pronoun, and as a complementizer. (Oh, is THAT not what you meant? Or shall We try THAT again, with some extra unctuousity?))
(If today is your first exposure to Eric’s Daily Horoscope, please promise Us that you’ll read another installment (yesterday’s will be fine), wherein We are actually funny. We promise that We usually are. Just not today, for some reason. (This really doesn’t bode well for this Zero Mostel business later. Hmmm…))
Whether they're nice about it or not won't matter. (Shouldn’t that read “nice about it or naughty”?)
You're in a bad mood, plain and simple. (Nonsense. The sun is finally shining, We’re spending the afternoon with college boys, We’re getting a paycheck this evening…We assure you, there is absolutely nothing “plain and simple” about Our bad mood.)
A long bath and some scented candles couldn't hurt – (That would seem to be entirely dependent upon what One tries to do with the scented candles. (Well, okay, not entirely. The SIZE of the scented candles could be a factor as well.))
but initiating a long overdue conversation would be better. (Do you want the patchouli candle, or the sandalwood? And yes, it’s burning at both ends.)
This definitely wouldn't be the best day to make that major pitch to the boss. (If, however, ya wanna make that major bitch to your posse, g’head…that’s what they’re there for.)
Come up with a creative excuse, rework the idea, then give 'em hell. (Hairy.)
(We give up. The funny, she eludes Us. But We’re pretty sure We were funny yesterday. Go read yesterday’s horoscope again. KThxBye.)
(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:
http://www.humorscope.com
cowgrass…they plump when you cook ‘em.)
Here is your horoscope for Tuesday, March 16, 2010 (Happy belated birthday to Our Cousin Brian, who turned twenty-four yesterday. No doubt a casualty of the loss of Our work calendar. If you find yourself a casualty of the loss of Our work calendar, please don’t suffer in silence; We really do want to wish you a happy twenty-fourth birthday. So lettuce know, ya know) :
(Other than that, We got nothing. We are off to Drexel to shoot a scene from The Producers for the advanced directing class. Kiss Us quick, We’re Zero Mostel. Or We’re the size of Zero Mostel. Or something. (We may have neglected to tell you the story from last week…when We went to class to perform Our scene (the original assignment having been to direct a scene to be performed live in front of the class), the teacher began the proceedings by asking how many people were unprepared to complete the assignment. Fully HALF of the class, that’s how many. “My actors from Craig’s List didn’t show up,” sez one. Craig’s List, people. We know that’s where We go whenever We want a new bicycle, and a bl0wj0b, and some actors. So these chirren now have to put their scenes on fillum to send to the teacher, who is in LA, no doubt being an extra on the set of How I Met Your Mother, speaking of which, they had the rerun of the one where Neil Patrick Harris was really fat on last night, and We accidentally caught it, and (A.) he was not as fat as We are and (2.) We’d still fu(k him.))
(We tried so hard not to digress there, and yet somehow We think We did anyway.)
(Our Our-O-Scope.)
If at all possible, reschedule your interviews or presentations. (Yeah. Like any of that is up to Us.)
It's not that you won't be on top of your game, (But it is highly unlikely that We will be on top of Neil Patrick Harris.)
but you won't be able to communicate the scope of those brilliant ideas as easily as you might at another time. (Somehow, We think We have wrung all the brilliance out of “I am wearing a cardboard belt!” that there is to be found, and changing the time really isn’t going to affect anything. Just a hunch.)
Hey, you're good enough to wait for. (All things considered, We’d rather be good enough to wait on. By a tasteful real waiter in a crisp white shirt and black pants two sizes too small. Who walks softly, carries a big stick, and says “fresh ground pepper?” in unctuous tones at appropriate intervals. It wouldn’t hurt if he could both define and spell “unctuous” in anti-unctuous tones in subsequent private circumstances. (Hey, a person can dream, can’t he?))
Explain that. (The word “that” is used in the English language for several grammatical purposes: to introduce a restrictive clause, as a demonstrative pronoun, and as a complementizer. (Oh, is THAT not what you meant? Or shall We try THAT again, with some extra unctuousity?))
(If today is your first exposure to Eric’s Daily Horoscope, please promise Us that you’ll read another installment (yesterday’s will be fine), wherein We are actually funny. We promise that We usually are. Just not today, for some reason. (This really doesn’t bode well for this Zero Mostel business later. Hmmm…))
Whether they're nice about it or not won't matter. (Shouldn’t that read “nice about it or naughty”?)
You're in a bad mood, plain and simple. (Nonsense. The sun is finally shining, We’re spending the afternoon with college boys, We’re getting a paycheck this evening…We assure you, there is absolutely nothing “plain and simple” about Our bad mood.)
A long bath and some scented candles couldn't hurt – (That would seem to be entirely dependent upon what One tries to do with the scented candles. (Well, okay, not entirely. The SIZE of the scented candles could be a factor as well.))
but initiating a long overdue conversation would be better. (Do you want the patchouli candle, or the sandalwood? And yes, it’s burning at both ends.)
This definitely wouldn't be the best day to make that major pitch to the boss. (If, however, ya wanna make that major bitch to your posse, g’head…that’s what they’re there for.)
Come up with a creative excuse, rework the idea, then give 'em hell. (Hairy.)
(We give up. The funny, she eludes Us. But We’re pretty sure We were funny yesterday. Go read yesterday’s horoscope again. KThxBye.)
(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:
http://www.humorscope.com
cowgrass…they plump when you cook ‘em.)
You means you have NOT already done NPH? Hmm...
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