An Encore Presentation

(Lest We be j'accused of leaving all y'all high and dry (and, if you think you're dry today, you must be high (or perhaps We should all just stay dry by staying in and getting high)), We have leapt into the WayBack Machine to bring you Eric's Daily Horoscope from two previous March 13ths. And a pixture of a guy in a wiener suit. Enjoy!)

I owe everybody money, I think r@cist jokes are funny, I'm a lowlife‏


Greetings, Eccentric Raconteur Invites Comment---


Here is your horoscope for Friday, March 13, 2009 (Oooooh, Friday The Thirteenth! Scaaaaaarrrryy, keedz! (Actually, the scariest thing about it is how quickly it will turn into Monday, without so much as a speed bump of a weekend.)):


(Maybe it’s me, but a text message from YOUR PHONE to tell me that YOUR PHONE is dying is NOT an excuse for missing our appointment. I’m just sayin’.)


(Meanwhile, We SMELL coffee, but We HAVE none. This? Is wrong. BRB.)


(Aaaaand We’re back. To YouPeople, of course, it is as though We were (subjunctively) never gone. Insensitive @sshats.)


(Because We are ESPECIALLY unfunny today, two jokes (“Unfunny”? Is an actual word. Who knew?):


(First, this:)


An Arabic family was considering putting their grandfather Abdullah in a nursing home. All the Arabic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in an Italian home. After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Grandpa. ''How do you like it here?'' asks the grandson. ''It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful'', says grandpa. ''We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone. ''


''Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents'', Abdullah says with a big smile. ''There's a musician here-- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him ’Maestro’! There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him “Your Honor"! There's a dentist here -- 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him "Doctor"!! And me -- I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me "The Fu(king Arab".


(And this, from The Sainted Mother:)


THE GOLFING NUN.......

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks downinto a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration."What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior..'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf withmy brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You knowI was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Chris.""I seem to recall that,” the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take
it your day of recreation was not relaxing?""Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's
name in vain today!""Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished."You must tell me all about it!""Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster,Mother - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden
green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest
swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along
the line wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight!'"

"Oh, my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! Butsurely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"

"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to
fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods,
grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"

"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized the Mother.

"'But I didn't, Mother!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself!"
"And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk
swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still
clutched in his paws!"

"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.

"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the
hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk
dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws androlled to about 18 inches from the cup!"Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest,
fixed the Sister with a baleful stare, and said..."You missed the fu(king putt,
didn't you?"

(And NOW, Our horoscope:)



You're not feeling that great today -- but it's not illness that's the cause. (No. It’s Life. Or the lack thereof.)


(Apropos of nothing, even if One sits in the very back seats of a SEPTA bus, it is difficult (albeit not COMPLETELY impossible) to mentally transform it into a stretch limousine.)


Your energy is just smothered by recent events that seem to have taken over your life, but you should rebound pretty soon. (When? When Our house finally finishes collapsing around Our ears? Or when We are arrested for income tax fraud? Our life, she is so glamorous and exciting. Like a 70s disaster movie.)


As excited as you may be about an upcoming social invitation, (Oh, please. Between the soul-sucking ab0rtion that is Our day gig, three sets of rehearsals, and the odd meeting with Contractor Boi re: the imminent collapse of Our hovel, who has time for a social life? The only way We are ever going to have a drink with anybody again is if they start having cocktail service on SEPTA. (We are seeing everyone with a tasteful brown paper bag. We are also trying desperately not to picture the stewardess who passed them out.))


(“Boi re” in the preceding sentence had a green squiggle under the space and “re”, because there was an extra space, and a red squiggle under “Boi”, because “Boy” ain’t really spelt that way. When We clicked on the green squiggle to eliminate the extra space, the red squiggle went away as well. Even though, in THIS paragraph, “Boi” is still marked with a red squiggle as misspelt. (We will so TOO say “misspelt” if We g0dd@mn well feel like it, Micro$oft Word™.)) Our life is SO interesting, don’t’cha think?)


you need to slow down and give yourself time to do some research on this event. (Oh, were you in the middle of a sentence, CowHead? Too bad, so sad, @nal s3x with your dad. (We are going to KEEP saying that till it catches on, kidz, so jump on the train or get run over.))


Get a better sense (Oh, good l0rd, must We do EVERYTHING OurSELVES?)


of who will be there and who won't be there (Let’s simplify this plan: We? Won’t be there.)


-- and adjust your expectations accordingly. (Accordion. No, really. That sentence is funnier with “accordion” in it. But then, what sentence isn’t?)


Make a plan for what you will talk about with certain people. (@nal warts.)


There is a chance you can move things forward in a professional relationship, so don't miss out on it! (Meaningless interrobangs! A false sense of excitement! Does it get any better than this?!?! (Here’s a hint: NO.))


Now is not the time to be spontaneous, even with fun stuff. (Okay, well when IS the time to be spontaneous, so We can mark it on Our calendar and plan for it?)


Watch out for that self-fulfilling prophecy -- it's a killer. (Well, now that you’ve told Us who the killer is, what’s the sense in reading the rest of the book?)


If you let the negativity creep in, it'll turn into a cancer on your self-esteem. (Oh, please. We had Our self-esteem removed YEARS ago. Along with Our heart. It was part of a weight-loss program. (Obviously, it didn’t work. We are now considering an assectomy.))


Don't let one or two bad days on the dating circuit ruin your whole outlook on life. (Okey-dokey-artichokey. Oh, and? Shut. Up. Kelli.)


(And now, YOUR weekend horoscopes.)

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Someone will tell you today "Boy, what a girl goes through to send her brother through proctology school." Despite being forewarned, you won't have anything to say, but Eric’s weekend will be worse.


Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Good day to buy chocolate for someone you love and ruin Eric’s weekend.


Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Uh oh. The cows have come home, and the fat lady is about to sing. Better come up with some new excuses, quick! You can do that while you're coping with the unpleasant result of the cows coming home to Eric’s house, making his weekend even MORE miserable.


Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
This is an excellent day to dare. Dare to eat a peach. Dare to wear your trousers rolled, and walk along the beach. Dare to be different. Dare to have a better weekend than Eric. That sort of thing.


Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Today you will be suddenly struck by what a genius Norman Rockwell was, and how unappreciated (in the major art circles) he remains. You will vow to do something about it, and will inadvertently ruin Eric’s weekend.


Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will have a nightmare tonight, in which you find yourself dangling from the ceiling, while brightly colored paper mache animals with glowing eyes file into the room. One of them will be carrying a stick. Perhaps you shouldn't eat so much candy before going to bed? Still, Eric’s ACTUAL weekend will be much worse than your nightmare.


Libra (September 23 - October 22)
You will realize soon that you've missed your true calling in life -- that of a New Vaudevillian, a theatrical marvel of the Age of Cable. Starting as "Professor Snibble and the Yodeling Pigs!", you'll rapidly achieve notoriety, and (much later, with a different act) respectability, thereby ruining Eric’s weekend.


Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Excellent day to fill some pantyhose with popcorn and do the reindeer dance. Hey, it’s more fun than Eric is going to have.


Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
It will occur to you to wonder, what if Jesus had actually said "The geek shall inherit the earth", but was just misquoted? Then you'll think of Bill Gates. Then you'll start to worry, and ruin Eric’s weekend.


Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You've been complaining too much, lately. You might find more to enjoy in your life by watching a documentary about a lot of people starving to death in miserable third-world slums. I know that always cheers me right up! It won’t help Eric, though; his weekend is still going to suck.


Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Time to start looking for a new car. Try to find one with more personality, this time! (And less of a sense of humor.) That’ll REALLY ruin Eric’s weekend.


Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You should give your car a name, so people will be more impressed when you give them a ride. I think you should call yours "The Federation Starship Intrepid". And always do that little two-finger wave and say "engage", when you start off, of course. That’s the sort of thing that’s guaranteed to make Eric’s weekend miserable.


cow:grass::vulture:liver


Thief! Rat! No-good rabblerouser!‏


Greetings, Ethiopian Recipes Ignore Calories--- Here is your horoscope for Thursday, March 13, 2008 (Beware the Ideas of March.):

You've got plenty to say and should take the opportunity to say it. (Yeah. Because THAT never gets me in trouble. But first, this important bulletin: if you are the guy who was in my dream last night, or if you KNOW the guy who was in my dream last night, CALL ME. (I got a good, up-close-and-personal look at this guy, and it was no one I have ever met before. But I would surely like to meet him again. His name started with a J…Josh or Judd or something short like that. (How pathetic is it that I meet more interesting people in my dreams than I meet in real life? (Of course, my “real” life at this point consists of riding trolleys, rotting at the EAC, and putting things in boxes, so, yeah. Meeting people? Not so much. (Whose dumb@ss idea was this “moving” thing?)))))



You might have to make time in that meeting or ring up someone you haven't spoken with in ages, (More to the point, someone I haven’t spoken to since the Middle Ages.)


but it's definitely worth it! (It occurs to me that it is possible that the reason I *HAVEN’T* spoken to some people in ages is that I have said repeatedly in these hallowed pages that I am moving, and said people fear being roped into helping. Because I? Was not so much the born yesterday. (I know this surprises you, what with how young I look…especially compared to things like Ancient Egypt. And dirt.))



Things will be totally black and white, today. (Heh. Didja hear about Geraldine Ferraro yesterday? “If Obama was a white man…” Every time I heard that, I alternated between singing “Daidle-deedle-daidle, daidle-daidle deedle-daidle dum” and being really annoyed that a supposedly well-edumacated woman doesn’t know how to use the subjunctive properly. (The splinters in the windmills of my mind….let me show them to you.))



All the issues you are looking at will be clear and easy to figure out, without any confusing gray areas. (Several of the areas, however, will be perplexingly puce.)



This is one of those days where quick thinking will be easy, (Heh. “Perplexingly puce.” I kill me.)


and any argument you get involved in will be over as soon as you bring up your one killer point! (Well, DUH! It’s easy to win arguments when you just kill people! Any IDIOT can do that.)



This lack of nuance and complexity will enable you to cut through all the noise people are making. (Even more enabling will be my really, really big machete. Because you will find that, if you cut off their heads, people generally stop making noise pretty quickly (although not necessarily immediately)).



You'll feel quite proud of yourself for helping people see the light so easily! (I just got totally and completely bored of this horoscope. Wherever will I find meaning in my life now?)



You got the number, now make the call! (1-800-WHO-GIVESAFU(K)



Feeling shy? (Indeed. Also reticent. To say nothing of demure. Bashful, timid, and diffident. The Seven Really Boring Dwarfs. (Also, I just totally cheated and cut out a sentence of Kelli’s horoscope because I had nothing whatsoever to say about it. And, had I not (subjunctively) admitted to same, all y’all would be none the wiser. The Power….I has it.))



An email to your crush gets your message across. (So does a bl0wjob. I’m just sayin’. (Also, please tell me we’re not going back to this “crush” cr@p from several weeks ago.))


Thursday, March 13, 2008 Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.