The black black widow is sittin’ in the middle of the web...it’s the fly she seeks

Greetings, Echo Repeated Incessant Caterwauling---


Here is your horoscope for Sunday, March 28, 2010 (Happy The Lord’s Day to Won Ton Doll. Here at OurHouseWhereWeLive, We are currently praising the lord (figuratively, natch) because We finally did Our taxes yesterday. Did ‘em online, We did, Our Very Own Selves, and it only cost Us thirty dollars. As opposed to the two hundred it cost Us last year. (On the other hand, didja know that, if you pay to get your taxes did, whatever you pay is a tax deduction? ‘Cause We didn’t know that. But We do now. And so do you. You’re welcome.)):


(Also (this just occurred to Us), Happy Palm Sunday, to all of Our palmist friends. May your lifelines all be long, may you frequently be crossed with silver, and may you go on exotic foreign journeys with tall dark mysterious strangers and encounter good currency exchange rates.)


(And, because the preceding is all We can manage in terms of jokes based on Palm Sunday and doing Our taxes, here, courtesy of The Sainted Mother, are a few nursery rhymes to brighten up your morning:


Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little b@stard.

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Mary had a little lamb.
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.

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Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.

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Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man,
'What have you got there?'
Said the pie man unto Simon,
'Pies, you dumb@ss!!!'
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Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.

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Hey diddle, diddle, the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.

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There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.

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(Our Our-O-Scope.)


It doesn't seem fair -- other people are so much speedier than you today, (Fu(king cr@ckwh0res.)


and that's usually one of your best traits! (On the contrary. We are not at all a very good fu(king cr@ckwh0re. Because (A.), in order to sell it, you need to be able to give it away, and (2.) the size of Our cr@ck is, shall We say, somewhat daunting.)


(We fervently hope that Kelli changes the subject soon, but what can We do? She’s the Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) around here.)


Just let them push, (Push, push, in the bush.)


because you should be back in the game much more quickly than they realize. (We are thinking that, if it were (subjunctively) a game, it would be, somehow, FUN.)


You don’t usually travel much, unless it’s for business. (A trait which We were well on Our way to improving. Then suddenly, Our poverties…let Us show them to you.)


But at the moment, you’ll be all too happy to hop on a train, bus or plane — with anywhere but your current location in mind. (Sing it, Sistah! (Actually, We do have a little getaway planned, and We would tell you about it, but then We’d have to kill you.))


Yes, you definitely need a change of scenery. (To say nothing of a change of obscenery. (And, speaking of changes, these Depends™ are beginning to have that “not-so-fresh” feeling. (We are thinking that One really shouldn’t try to economize by turning One’s Depends™ inside out to wear them a second day.)))


(Yet another reason why We are a failure as a cr@ckwh0re. (Although, presumably, there is a cr@ckwh0re-with-squishy-Depends™ niche market that We have yet to tap.))


(We dunno ‘bout you, but We’re disgusting Ourself just typing this cr@p this morning. It may be time to call in the authority figure skaters.)


The good news is you know it, (If you’re happy and you know it, get the cl@p.)


(Slaphappy Cr@ckwh0res with the Cl@p ...coming soon to a theater near you. (And Willam Belli thought they were upset about Ticked-Off Tr@nnies with Knives. (Why yes, We are going to plug that fillum till We can’t plug it no more. And, while We can’t make it to New Yawk for the Tribeca Fillum Festival (http://www.tribecafilm.com/festival/), We are hoping it turns up on the schedule of Our very Own City Of Brotherly Love Handles G@y and L3sbian Fillum Festival this summer (http://www.qfest.com/).))


you can afford it (Did We not just show you Our poverties?)


and you’ll be on your way soon. (Mmm-hmm. Because this is the big one, Elizabeth. (It just isn’t Sunday morning without Our Redd Foxx impression, is it?))


Oh, and how about inviting a travel companion along to help take the edge off? (“Take the edge off” is one o’ them euphemism-thingies, innit?)


Knowing when enough is enough is more than half the battle when it comes to relating to someone else. (Meanwhile, knowing that if Barbra Streisand weren’t (subjunctively) Barbra Streisand, she’d just be one more little old Jewish lady is probably what keeps Jason from ending it all. (In other news, if you even know who Jason is, and, more to the point, if you know what made Us think of Barbra Streisand at this juncture, you are very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very g@y. As in two-snaps-up-in-a-circle, Paul Lynde in a muumuu scr3wing Charles Nelson Reilly in a feather boa while Liberace plays the piano in a field of pansies, g@y as a goose with a three dollar bill. Just sayin’.))


After all, not every moment can be filled with connection and discovery — how exhausting that would be! (Well, not quite as exhausting as Paul Lynde in a muumuu scr3wing Charles Nelson Reilly in a feather boa while Liberace plays the piano in a field of pansies. (We repeated that for any of you n@ked skimmers who might have accidentally skimmed past it the first time. You’re welcome, and We see your pee-pees.))




(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:


http://www.humorscope.com


cowgrass…it does a body good)