You drink champagne and it tastes just like cherry cola

Greetings, Eye: Retina, Iris, Cornea---


Here is your horoscope for Tuesday, March 02, 2010 (Ah, March the Twoth. On this date in history, absolutely nothing happened. Well, that’s probably not entirely true. We’re willing to bet that George Washington slept somewhere. And, since Rome wasn’t built in a day, this was no doubt one of the days in which it wasn’t built. But let’S not rely on Our feeble memory; let’S Wiki again, like We did last summer. Ignoring all the stupid historical things that happened (have We mentioned that We hate history almost as much as We hate geography? (and yes, We know that “those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it”, but hey, at least if We’re repeating history, We know what the h3ll is going on)), let’S go right for the birthdays, being as We’re all Ass(tromalogically) Ho(roscopular) and all. Hmmm…not a very good day for birthdays, either. Moving forward from 1917, We’ve got Desi Arnaz, Lou Reed, Karen Carpenter, Laraine Newman, and Jon Bon Jovi. Now’s there’s a version of “Babalu” We’d like to hear…”and the colored girls sing, doo do-doo do-doo do-doo-da-doo…oh, oh, stop livin’ on a prayer and have a d@mn sandwich.”) :


(This little edumacational excursion did also force Us to look up WhatTheHellEverHappenedTo Laraine Newman, followed almost immediately by the corollary, WhatTheHellEverHappenedTo Garrett Morris. How you could start out in the original cast of Saturday Night Live and fu(k up your career that badly is a mystery to Us.)


(In other news, to celebrate almost two months of Eric’s Daily Horoscope In Bloggonia, some Eric’s Daily Horoscope factoids. We are currently being read by an average of almost fifty people a day. We are consistently read by the most people on Mondays, and the fewest on Fridays; more people actually read on Saturdays and Sundays than on Fridays. While Our readership has increased very slightly over time, there is nothing to indicate that We are developing consistent new readers, and there have been no one-off spikes in readership related to any pixture, video, or fit of verbal brilliance. We receive approximately the same number of comments as We used to receive emails, although at least now We have a method to know that people are reading but not communicating with Us. Obviously, We need a hobby.)


(Our-O-Scope…)


Step away from the explosives. (See, now, if this were (subjunctively) Monday, We’d put a f@rt joke in here. But, since fewer folks are reading today, We’re just gonna save that f@rt joke up for next Monday, and then let ‘er rip! (If you are delusional enough to imagine that We’re going to remember to tell all y’all a f@rt joke next Monday, you have even less of an idea of how this process all happens than We had originally thought.))


You won't need them. (Sorry…We just got all distracted Googling Jon Bon Jovi. (Definitions of the verb “to Google” may vary according to One’s imagination.) ROWRRRR! (Not that We’d dump Johnny Depp for him, but still…ROWRRRR!!!))


You'll be plenty volatile all by yourself (Hmm…this is more than one f@rt joke. It’s like a f@rt monolog. Like The Vagina Monologs, except with Uranus.)


(It’s like The Communist Manifesto, but with f@rts. Is “Manifarto” a word? And, if so, how long before it appears on a menu at The Olive Garden?)


(It’s like Grimms’ Farty Tales…)


(Okay, We’ll stop now.)


-- maybe even more than you want to be. (Be. All that you can be. (We have no idea what that had to do with anything, but We thought We’d share. And Cher alike. As We do.))


Before you injure any innocent bystanders, (Awwww…that’s Our favorite part. (We enjoy seeing the looks on their feces just before their heads fly off.))


find an appropriate project for all that energy -- like rearranging the entire apartment, for example. (Hmmm…interior decoration, versus injuring lots of innocent bystanders. We’re not seeing the contest.)


There's something in the air, and it smells awfully sweet. (Aaaaannnndddd We’re back to the f@rt jokes.)


Before you decide you've found the one, however, at least lock in a second date. (Honey, please. We’re desperate. We’re pretty sure We should start locking ‘em up on the first date. It puts the lotion on its skin, or else it has to date again.)


What's the one thing on your list you've been putting off because you haven't had the energy? (Procrastination?)


You'll accomplish it now -- that and anything else you put your mind to. (Oh, good. Because We had already planned to start procrastinating twice this morning, but then We put it off.)


(F@RT!!!)


(YOUR-O-Scopes:


http://www.humorscope.com


cowgrass…taste the rainbow)