Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for FriedEgg, August 30nd , 2013.
Happy Birthday to Kylen, who does NOT turn twenty-four today somewhere in College.
Please go and buy tickets for Our Fringe show, LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour:
Seriously, people. So far, We have sold THREE. We are NOT making this up. Tell your friends, etc. We have been a little preoccupied with, ya know, making there be a SCRIPT for the damn thing that We haven’t quite been the lean, mean publicity machine We might otherwise have been.
(That paragraph works best if you pronounce that last “been” as “bean”. You DID pronounce that last “been” as “bean”, didn’t you? If not, We’ll wait whilst you go back.)
There is also a SitOnMyFaceBook event here: https://www.facebook.com/events/706806152678843/ for your convenience in sharing on that platform.
Our script, meanwhile, awaits finishing touches. Also, an ending. So We really need to hurry this along.
And here is the HorrorScope:
Our “celebrity” birthday website wants Us to know that Chester A. Arthur’s wife, Ellen, was born today. Thanks, “celebrity birthday website!
And, in an effort to finish this quick, fast, and in a hurry, here in lieu of the blatherings of Kelli, the AssHattiest AssHat To Ever Have AssHatted, We ask the musical question, do any of YouPeople ever click on the “Your Your-O-Scopes” link? If not, today We have done it for you:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Your butler will return to work today, and pretend as if nothing had happened. It's time for you to compromise, and give up those new argyles. It's for the best, in the long run.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
A man wearing two left shoes and a shirt with only one sleeve will approach you today, and try to interest you in a no-load mutual fund. Trust him -- he knows what he's doing.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You will begin a bitter and drawn-out battle with a gopher. You don't stand a chance.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
A door-to-door arms dealer will stop by today. Although you won't be entirely sure how you let yourself get talked into it, you'll soon be the first on the block to own a rocket launcher.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
At the same moment you read this, someone will be thinking about you and smiling. In a moment, they'll be laughing outright.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Libra (September 23 - October 22)
Nothing especially remarkable will happen today. You will get a strange urge to talk like Ziggy Marley, but it will pass.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Excellent time to take up weasel ranching. Or at least to claim that's what you do, at parties.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You will soon accidentally discover why it is that so many things "taste like chicken." It's because they ARE chickens, in clever disguises.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You will find a strangely heavy small gold ring today, embedded in the centre of an obviously volcanic rock. There is some writing, in a script unlike any you've ever seen, running around the ring, although you can't really see it unless you heat it up in a fire...
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will discover, today, that you can whistle and hum at the same time. This will entertain you for hours.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You will be offered a chance to go on a journey soon. It sounds like fun, but you might benefit by looking up La Isla Zancudo in a Spanish-English dictionary before you pack your bags...
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.