La Vie en Rose… La Vie Boheme… La Vida Loca

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for WhenceDay, December 19, 2012.  Happy Hump Day to all those of you who are taking time out of your Christmas shopping for Us to hump like the rutting pigs you are.  Also, if next week does in fact arrive, Happy One-Week-Till-Boxing-Day.  Yes, ladies and genitals, if the Apocalypse doesn’t happen now, in just one week, Christmas will be Christmas past, so you’d better be buying Us excellent Christmas presents.

Tense Christmas tenses having been dispensed with, We are eagerly looking forward to having Justin Bieber over for New Years Eve so We can watch his balls drop.

And now, because antici………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..pation is more than half the fun (as Carly Simon (or was it Carole King?)) sang to a ketchup bottle once…

Sorry…what passes for Our mind just went off on about eight different digressions at once, so We thought We’d break a few of them out into their very own paragraph.

First of all, We were certain We’d had this Carly King/Carole Simon issue before, and due to the miracle of modern technology, We were able to lay Our hands upon the very excerpt.  And, all the way from March 2010, here it is:

(So, how’s your Holy Week treatin’ ya so far? Crazy March…in like a line dancer, out like a lambada. But at least it’s spring, and We can feel Our Own Personal motivations being motivated like motivators, motivationally. (We can also feel the earth. Move. Under Our feet. And the sky tumblin’ down, tumblin’ down. (Kiss Us quick, We’re Carole King. (Full disclosure: We initially typed “Kiss Us quick, We’re Carly Simon.” Remind Us again why these are two separate people?)))

In other news, We were also fairly certain We’d addressed the “ketchup/catsup” conundrum previously, but that was a little more difficult to unearth.  So here, from three completely different e-pissodes of Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!  is every mention We’ve ever made of that particular condiment:

They’ll catch up. (But will they ketchup?  Or catsup?  And what, really, is the difference?)

Also, it is Henry John Heinz’s birthday.  He invented Heinz ketchup.  Do you want fries with that?

Apropos of nothing, urban dictionary would like us to know that “shaking the ketchup bottle”  is a euphemism for masturbation.

The things We do for YouPeople…meanwhile, having done said things, Our other digressions have gone completely out of Our heads (except for the one where We started talking about anticipation right after We said We were looking forward to Justin Bieber’s balls dropping.  But We’re gonna keep that one to Ourselves.  (You’re welcome.))

At any rate, when all this started (which now feels like it may have been somewhere in the Late Middle Triassic Period), We were gearing all y’all up to begin anticipating tomorrow’s Very Special E-Pissode of Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!, which will contain an early Winter Solstice Apocalypse HannaChristmaKwaanzakkah present Just For You.  So begin anticipating…NOW!

While you are anticipating, here is the link with which you would share Our Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: Sagittarius video with your friends:

http://youtu.be/6f1m5GLfk1Y            

This just in from Helen Keller’s Twitter account:

Helen Keller ‏@Helen_KelIer

Never saw the point in wet floor signs. I'm gonna end up on the ground either way.

Helen Keller ‏@Helen_KelIer

New staring contest champion!

Helen Keller ‏@Helen_KelIer

Lol but no seriously, where the hell am I...

And here’s the HorrorScope:

It is Edith Piaf’s birthday today.  It is a little-known Edith Piaf fact that she always wanted to enter the Pillsbury™ Bake-Off, but she was afraid she’d do the wrong thing.

(We are A Highly Trained Professional…do not attempt this at home.)

You need to slow down and do as little as possible today  (Well, you don’t have to tell Us twice.)

— even if your plans feel urgent! It’s just a bad time for lots of action, as the environment favors slow, deliberate movement.  Try to relax and just clear your mind of negative things today. This isn’t about ignoring real problems you may be confronted with, it’s about learning how to let go of worry and let yourself focus on more productive things — things that you can control. Because there are just too many things in your life that you just can’t do anything about, and if you spend all your time distracted by them, you’ll only frustrate yourself. You can be happy if you really want to be.  It’s a perfect day for you to nest, recuperate and generally treat yourself right. Head out for a walk or brunch with a friend, then go for some serious rest and relaxation. It should do your heart good.

(BWAH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!  See what We did there?)

 (You’re Your-O-Scopes:

 

http://www.humorscope.com)

 

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

Let’s have a kiki

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Friday, November 30, 2012.  Happy Birthday to Joanne, who turns twenty-four today.  And happy Saint Andrew’s Day to the rest of all y’all.  Saint Andrew, Wikipedia would inform you if you did not already know, is the patron saint of Scotland.  Also Greece, Romania, Russia, Ukraine, Barbados, and the Ecumenical Patriarchate of Constantinople.  We certainly hope you have your travel agent on speed dial, because who wouldn’t want to spend a long holiday weekend on the sunny beaches of the Ecumenical Patriarchate of Constantinople?

Astute non-naked-skimmer readers may notice that today’s e-pissode of Erix Daily Horoscope is thirty-seven percent less funny than Our usual level of side-splitting hilarity.  For example, We mentioned Scotland in the preceding paragraph, and didn’t make a single “what’s-under-the-kilt” joke.  This is due to the fact that We just yesterday learned that We shall be required to be funny in two further e-pisstles this weekend, for reasons which shall be made clear to you in A Very Special E-pissode Of Blossom…er, Of Erix Daily Horoscope, coming (heh) soon to a computer near you.  And We didn’t want to shoot Our entire wad early, as it (subjunctively) were.

Speaking of wad-shooting, this just in from The Latest Stupid-Ass Fad Department:  The Latest Stupid-Ass Fad is apparently called “milking” (get your minds out of the gutter), and involves pouring an entire carton of milk over One’s own head in a public place.  Which see:

You’re welcome.

This just in from Helen Keller on Twitter:

 

Helen Keller ‏@Helen_KelIer

#WorstDayEver burned my mouth drinking hot chocolate, now I can't taste anything either.

Helen Keller ‏@Helen_KelIer

The most action I've got in the last 2 months was letting my blind guy friends read my T-shirt.

Helen Keller ‏@Helen_KelIer

That awkward moment when your boyfriend tells you "I think we should see other people."

Another reason We are attempting not to squander Our funny is that We will be writing and shooting a brand spanking (heh) new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video this weekend.  Our most recent effort, which you can see above, is somewhat of a departure for Us, and the reviews so far have all been raves, many people referring to it as Our “best video ever”.  So stay tuned next month to see how We side-step attempting to top that.

(Of COURSE We are a top.  Who can possibly have been telling you otherwise?)

(Dammit, some funny slipped out!  (Wet fart…who’s got a comb?))

Meanwhile, if each of you who is reading this right now used the following link to share the aforementioned most recent video with a friend:

http://youtu.be/6f1m5GLfk1Y   …two more whole people would have seen it by the end of the day!

Alternatively, if each of you who is nakedly skimming this right now shared it, Starzina would rule the known universe.  (After you do that, please sext Us a picture of yourself counting to twenty-one.  KThxBye.)

(Apropos of nothing and completely randomly, here is last year’s Sagittarius video for your comparing pleasure:

)

And here’s the HorrorScope:

It is the birthday of a ridiculous number of incredibly famous people today, and We are not inclined to list them all.  So, due to Our love of The Theatre, We shall simply inform you that today is David Fucking Mamet’s Motherfucking Goddamn Birthday, you Cocksucking Fuckstain.

Life gets a little easier for you today, as you find that people are more congenial and obstacles seem to just melt away.  (Mmm-hmm.   What’s your dealer’s number again?)

Take advantage of this opportunity (And its knockers!)

and move forward quickly!  (With an exclamation point, even!  As musicians would say, “Presto!”  As jazz musicians would say, “What’s your dealer’s number again?”)

(Dammit, the funny just leaks out and We can’t stop it.)

Positive energy is swarming all around you, today, (Shit…We dropped the toaster into the bathtub again.)

protecting you from any bad mojo (“Mojo”?)

and keeping a bright smile on your face all day long. (Electrocution will have that effect.  Elocution, on the other hand…repeat after Us: “Homo mojo, get some fro-yo, YOLO”.)

Get ready for some unexpected flirtation (Also, unexpected fartation.)

and a few sweet gifts to come your way. (Candy-coated popcorn, penis, and a prize…that’s what you get in Cracker-Jack™.)

They are someone’s way of getting you to finally notice them and spend a little more time with them. (Well, a candy-coated penis will have that effect.)

This is a banner day if you are in the mood for romance, even the harmless and platonic kind. (It is a John Banner kind of day if you are in the mood to know nussing.)

(We just can’t stop Ourselves.)

No one’s taking themselves too seriously, (Well, David Mamet is singing Edith Piaf, but other than that…)

(We have no idea.)

which is always a good thing.  (Kiss Us quick, We’re Martha Stewart’s dry cleaner.)

 Getting something sweet going is incredibly easy now, thanks to the big boost your energy is giving you.  (To say nothing of that candy-coated penis from earlier.)

Moreover, high-tech is favored, so how about checking out online personals sites for new prospects?  (Oh, whatever.  We’ll give ya two nickels to pour a carton of milk over your head.)

 

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

Livin’ on a prayer

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Money, September 12, 2011.  (Your heart just skipped a beat as you imagined that We were going to start CHARGING for this, didn’t it?  Really, Ducks…We can barely GIVE it away.)  Happy birthday to Robin, who turns twenty-four today.  In San Francisco.  A city which We have never visited and which, consequently, always makes Us think of Rice-A-Roni™.  Which has never been the same since they took the slivered almonds out of their Fried Rice-A-Roni™.  Le sigh.  Naturally, all of this intense cerebral activity caused Us to go a-Googling on Wikipedia to discover why, in fact, Rice-A-Roni™ is “the San Francisco treat”. Here, for those Inquiring Minds amongst you, is what We learned: http://www.straightdope.com/columns/read/1558/why-is-rice-a-roni-called-the-san-francisco-treat

We shall pause here for a moment to give you a chance to recover from all of that mental exercise.

Speaking of The Wedding Consultant, you have only five more chances to see it, beginning this Wednesday, and There Will Be Consequences if you do not.  Here is Our Inquirer review:  http://www.philly.com/philly/blogs/phillystage/Review-The-Wedding-Consultant.html   We are particularly taken with the phrase “surprisingly butch”; We are thinking of having T-shirts made.  Tickets for the epic in question are available here: http://ticketing.theatrealliance.org/sites/livearts/details.aspx?id=19622 ; get ‘em while they’re HAWTT. 

But enough about Us…what do YOU think about Us? You, meanwhile, should all be pea green with envy (that phrase, for those cunning linguists amongst you, is derived from an obscure phrase from the 70s, “peeing green on Bert Convy”, which allegedly involved some extracurricular antics that took place during commercial breaks on The Match Game) that We were amongst the fortunate few who got to see the closing night performance of Tribe of Fools’ Heavy Metal Dance Fag at the Fringe. Ordinarily, We wouldn’t wax poetic over some show that has closed that no one will have a chance to see. Because there’s nothing We hate worse than a waxy poet.  But Our inside information tells Us that, because the show was so successful, they will be bringing it back, and We wanted you forewarned to snatch up tickets as soon as they become available. (Heh. We said “snatch”.)  In addition to the amazing dances, of which you will have heard if you have heard anything about the show, performed by the hottest cast in the history of hotness, the show features a heartfelt, literate, and yet side-splittingly funny script, and five brilliantly-crafted performances.  Which is fortunate, because otherwise, they’d all be totally upstaged by the costumes.  Watch this space for news of their return engagement, and, once We announce it, run, do not walk.

But first, come see The Wedding Consultant.  (Hey, We can only talk about Not Us for so long…We have Attention Defici…oh, look, a balloon!)

And now for something completely different: a lost reel from the 1968 film, Where Angels Go, Truffles Follow:

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for: giving Ernest Borgnine a sponge bath.  Alternatively, the HorrorScope:

Your dreams are quite telling tonight, (Well, you know what They say:  better quite telling than Tori Spelling.)

so do your best to remember them. (If only We could DVR Our dreams…We would be rich, We tell you, rich.)

Keep paper or a voice recorder by your bed so you can take notes, (Somehow, We had managed to live this long without ever hearing the term “voice recorder”.  Which is apparently what they are called now that there are no longer tapes involved. (And don’t act like you’re smarter than We are just because you already knew that…you probably do NOT know that they are also called “the San Francisco treat”.))

(It just occurred to Us that, if We were (subjunctively) a hooker in San Francisco, We would have to refer to Ourself as “the San Francisco treat”.  Which, naturally, led Us to Google “San Francisco treat” on Wikipedia to see if it had ever been used in a non-A-Roni™-related way.  WARNING:  Do NOT try that at work.  Trust Us; you do NOT want to know.)

(We shall pause here, while you all neglect to heed Our warning.)

(See?  We TOLD you.)

and see what it all means as you drink your coffee.  (Does anyone remember how this sentence started?)

Where has all the time gone? (Jim Croce has it in a bottle.)

 It seems as though the last few weeks have flown by, and today you might find yourself wondering if that time could have been put to better use than it was. (Yes.  We could have called Our show Heavy Metal Wedding Consultant Fag.)

Regrets are silly things to have, (Non, je ne regrette rien.  (In keeping with today’s Rice-A-Roni™ theme, that was a little Edith Pilaf.))

(We would regret saying that, but you just told Us that that would be silly.)

so just try to focus on making your future better. (But it’s so much easier to make the past better.  All you have to do is lie.)

Start by being more available to the people around you. (Trust Us; We are wide open.)

When you help others, you truly do help yourself. (Oh, go needlepoint a sampler.)

There is no way that coming to someone’s rescue could ever be a waste of time.  (Oddly enough, people seem to hate it when We stop them on the street and try to give them mouth-to-mouth.)

You’re totally enthusiastic about a new week (Indeed.  If We had pom-poms, We would cheer.)

because you know the possibilities are endless. (“Endless” is such a frightening word.)

Choose a goal that focuses on your overall improvement. (Didn’t We just have this discussion about goalies last week?)

Make sure it’s something you really want, not just words that sound good on paper. (Words cannot “sound good on paper”, you illiterate knobgobbler.)

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.