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Monday, September 12, 2011

Livin’ on a prayer

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Money, September 12, 2011.  (Your heart just skipped a beat as you imagined that We were going to start CHARGING for this, didn’t it?  Really, Ducks…We can barely GIVE it away.)  Happy birthday to Robin, who turns twenty-four today.  In San Francisco.  A city which We have never visited and which, consequently, always makes Us think of Rice-A-Roni™.  Which has never been the same since they took the slivered almonds out of their Fried Rice-A-Roni™.  Le sigh.  Naturally, all of this intense cerebral activity caused Us to go a-Googling on Wikipedia to discover why, in fact, Rice-A-Roni™ is “the San Francisco treat”. Here, for those Inquiring Minds amongst you, is what We learned:

We shall pause here for a moment to give you a chance to recover from all of that mental exercise.

Speaking of The Wedding Consultant, you have only five more chances to see it, beginning this Wednesday, and There Will Be Consequences if you do not.  Here is Our Inquirer review:   We are particularly taken with the phrase “surprisingly butch”; We are thinking of having T-shirts made.  Tickets for the epic in question are available here: ; get ‘em while they’re HAWTT. 

But enough about Us…what do YOU think about Us? You, meanwhile, should all be pea green with envy (that phrase, for those cunning linguists amongst you, is derived from an obscure phrase from the 70s, “peeing green on Bert Convy”, which allegedly involved some extracurricular antics that took place during commercial breaks on The Match Game) that We were amongst the fortunate few who got to see the closing night performance of Tribe of Fools’ Heavy Metal Dance Fag at the Fringe. Ordinarily, We wouldn’t wax poetic over some show that has closed that no one will have a chance to see. Because there’s nothing We hate worse than a waxy poet.  But Our inside information tells Us that, because the show was so successful, they will be bringing it back, and We wanted you forewarned to snatch up tickets as soon as they become available. (Heh. We said “snatch”.)  In addition to the amazing dances, of which you will have heard if you have heard anything about the show, performed by the hottest cast in the history of hotness, the show features a heartfelt, literate, and yet side-splittingly funny script, and five brilliantly-crafted performances.  Which is fortunate, because otherwise, they’d all be totally upstaged by the costumes.  Watch this space for news of their return engagement, and, once We announce it, run, do not walk.

But first, come see The Wedding Consultant.  (Hey, We can only talk about Not Us for so long…We have Attention Defici…oh, look, a balloon!)

And now for something completely different: a lost reel from the 1968 film, Where Angels Go, Truffles Follow:

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for: giving Ernest Borgnine a sponge bath.  Alternatively, the HorrorScope:

Your dreams are quite telling tonight, (Well, you know what They say:  better quite telling than Tori Spelling.)

so do your best to remember them. (If only We could DVR Our dreams…We would be rich, We tell you, rich.)

Keep paper or a voice recorder by your bed so you can take notes, (Somehow, We had managed to live this long without ever hearing the term “voice recorder”.  Which is apparently what they are called now that there are no longer tapes involved. (And don’t act like you’re smarter than We are just because you already knew that…you probably do NOT know that they are also called “the San Francisco treat”.))

(It just occurred to Us that, if We were (subjunctively) a hooker in San Francisco, We would have to refer to Ourself as “the San Francisco treat”.  Which, naturally, led Us to Google “San Francisco treat” on Wikipedia to see if it had ever been used in a non-A-Roni™-related way.  WARNING:  Do NOT try that at work.  Trust Us; you do NOT want to know.)

(We shall pause here, while you all neglect to heed Our warning.)

(See?  We TOLD you.)

and see what it all means as you drink your coffee.  (Does anyone remember how this sentence started?)

Where has all the time gone? (Jim Croce has it in a bottle.)

 It seems as though the last few weeks have flown by, and today you might find yourself wondering if that time could have been put to better use than it was. (Yes.  We could have called Our show Heavy Metal Wedding Consultant Fag.)

Regrets are silly things to have, (Non, je ne regrette rien.  (In keeping with today’s Rice-A-Roni™ theme, that was a little Edith Pilaf.))

(We would regret saying that, but you just told Us that that would be silly.)

so just try to focus on making your future better. (But it’s so much easier to make the past better.  All you have to do is lie.)

Start by being more available to the people around you. (Trust Us; We are wide open.)

When you help others, you truly do help yourself. (Oh, go needlepoint a sampler.)

There is no way that coming to someone’s rescue could ever be a waste of time.  (Oddly enough, people seem to hate it when We stop them on the street and try to give them mouth-to-mouth.)

You’re totally enthusiastic about a new week (Indeed.  If We had pom-poms, We would cheer.)

because you know the possibilities are endless. (“Endless” is such a frightening word.)

Choose a goal that focuses on your overall improvement. (Didn’t We just have this discussion about goalies last week?)

Make sure it’s something you really want, not just words that sound good on paper. (Words cannot “sound good on paper”, you illiterate knobgobbler.)

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.