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Friday, September 9, 2011

Love means you never have to say you’re surly.

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Thank Gawd It’s Fried Eggs, September 9, 2011.  It is completely unclear to Us why people get so excited over fried eggs, but whatevs.  The sun is shining the birds are chirping, and We’re not going to look a gift whore in the mouth.  Because who knows what We might see in there.  So, moving on, happy birthday in advance to Our Granddaughter Mo’Niques, who turns twenty-four this weekend.

Meanwhile, from the No Publicity Is Bad Publicity Department, here’s this:  The first person to spot all of the factual inaccuracies wins two free tickets to The Wedding Consultant.  Here’s a hint:  you will be well into double digits.  Also, We will omit the “quote” that is attributed to Us from consideration, as it is plausible that We did utter many of the phrases contained therein, although not in that particular order and not as though they formed a coherent chain of thought.

And now We are wondering why Our Google alert has yet to alert Us to this article’s existence…

Speaking of The Wedding Consultant, those slackers amongst you who have not yet seen it will be coming this weekend, yes?  Because next week’s tickets are all reserved for the Master Procrastinators.  Said tickets are available here: ; get ‘em while they’re HAWTT. 

Speaking of non sequiturs, Jimmy Carter smokes crack and I don’t care.  Also, We were asked recently if We filmed the following in the same room with the angel, or if the angel was Photoshopped™ in later.  Watch it and see what you think.  (As though We’d miss a chance to spend time with a pretty boi in a G-string.):

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for: Ex-Lax™ at a pie-eating contest; hilarity ensues.  Alternatively, the HorrorScope:

You’ve got something new to look forward to now (You mean OTHER THAN the sweet release of death?)

— and your people should be just as eager as you are to embrace it!  (All these “people” she is constantly telling Us that We have, and yet not one of them seems to know how to empty the dishwasher.)

That could mean that it’s time for you to step up and take the lead again.  (See, only if she were (subjunctively) saying this out loud would you realize that, by “lead”, she means the element.)

 If you’re working on achieving your goals, and, of course, you always should be, then you need to cut out whatever — or whoever — is holding you back. (We are thinking that perhaps We should give up on achieving Our goals and start trying to achieve a goalie.  Isn’t there some professional sport that has goalies?   Surely some well-muscled handsomely remunerated professional goalie would like to support Us in the style to which We wish to become accustomed.)

So if you have friends who never seem to have any faith in you, then don’t bother including them in any upcoming social plans. (Wow.  Who pissed in your corn flakes this morning?)

You don’t need the negative energy. (Honey, We have a show to do this evening.  We’ll take any energy We can get.)

And if you have bad habits that are eating up your cash and causing you stress, you need to cut it out! (Ya hear that, bill collectors?  No more cash for you!)

Dig down deep, and find some self-discipline. (Why?  Is Our goalie into S&M?)

 Being good isn’t as much fan as being bad, but at least then you won’t have to apologize for your actions.  (Yes, folks, she actually said “fan” instead of  “fun”.  And yet We can’t get a job as an editor.  Is the world turpsy-tovvy, or what?)

Keep a low profile today (Yeah.  ’Cause THAT’LL sell those Wedding Consultant  tickets.)

and avoid the usual running commentary you have a habit of making about your friends’ love lives.  (Wiretapping is illegal.  Bee-yotch.)

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.