Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Montana Moorehead, September 26, 2011. Happy birthday to Michael, who turned twenty-four yesterday. And happy birthday to anyone who turned twenty-four during Our hiatal hernia.
But now We’re back from outer space, We just walked in to find you here sitting on Mary Kay Place’s face…yes, ladies and genitals, you clamored, and We’ve returned. We’re not quite sure what your clams had to do with it, and We’ve had to extend Our definition of “clamored” to include “crickets chirping”, but hey. What’s some stench of spoiled seafood amongst friends, eh, Ducks?
(We shall have to pause here for a muumuu, as a fully-formed character named Ducks L’Orange has just sprung forth from Us, much like Athena from Zeus’s foreskin. (Is it just Us, or are the Greeks a dirty, dirty people?))
So how exactly is it possible that, last week, We didn’t publish Monday or Tuesday, then published recycled episodes from 2010 Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, and, other than the people with whom We normally communicate, We were the recipient of exactly two “wuzzup?”s? We feel As though We should be sitting about in Our wedding dress, eating cat food directly from the can. (That last bit was, of course, a little hairy allusion to British author Charles Dickbreath’s masterpiece, Great Expectorations. Because We got cultchah. (If you don’t believe Us, run a cotton swab over Us and stick it in your Petri dish.))
(We shall have to pause again, as We are pretty sure that somebody out there just remembered who Montana Moorehead is.)
Speaking of things that barely seem possible, how is it that, last week, We also sent an email to eight people, and duplicated same as a SitOnMyFaceBook message, and have yet to get a response from a single one of them?
Meanwhile, last week, whilst We were busy not publishing original episodes of Erix Daily Horoscope, in between sending out futile emails into the abyss, We participated in a documentary fillum about the making of The Wedding Consultant, got paid for a two-hour focus group about Our financial situation, interviewed the creator of Heavy Metal Dance Fag to find out what a successful Fringe show is like, and had a visitation from TCBITWWW, thereby proving that slime fries when you haven’t funds.
And no, those of you who managed to ignore the entire run of The Wedding Consultant are NOT forgiven.
And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for: Sally Field in a turban (NOW do you remember who Montana Moorehead is?). Alternatively, the HorrorScope:
Someone is causing problems today, (Well. How very specific.)
and you need to figure out what to do about the situation. (No. As Our Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist), you need to TELL Us what to do about the situation.)
You may not be able to handle their agitation with outright threats, so try something subtler. (Much as Leona Helmsley was The Queen Of Mean, and Margaret Hamilton was The Queen Of Green, and Karen Carpenter was The Queen Of Lean, WE are The Queen Of SuBtlety.)
(Speaking of witch (heh…see what We did there?), if you think you like two different people, get ‘em together in the same place at the same time, and you’ll soon sort out how you really feel. It’s like comparison shopping. Or test driving. Or Double-Coupon Day. One of those.)
You can reach an important compromise in a power struggle with an authority figure today. (How boring.)
(We just accidentally typed “Howboring” as one word. Which made it look like a name. Glenda Howboring-Smythe, or some such. Administrative assistant to Ducks L’Orange. (If We keep this up, We shall have written an entire play by the end of this horoscope. Because We know how you all love when We write plays.))
If you both agree to follow the path of least resistance, you’ll soon see that your goals can align. (Is this a horoscope, or a physics lesson? Whichever it is, it’s a really boring one.)
A detour could put you in the right place at the right time, so allow yourself to get lost a little if time permits. (We would point out all the things that are wrong with that sentence, but We fear Our turban would pop off from the strain.)
The support you’ve been giving to so many people will start to come back to you today. (Yeah. We’ll just sit right here and hold Our breath.)
Utilize the shoulder that’s being given to you. (All the body parts in the universe, and We get a shoulder. Sigh.)
It’s okay to lean! (How unfortunate that We’ve already told a Karen Carpenter joke.)
Is there someone you’d like to pair up with your best friend? (Are We in junior high school? Fuck no! There’s someone We’d like to pair up with Us. (Is it just Us, or does the use of The Royal We in that sentence make it sound like a threesome?))
When you help others, you may be rewarded for your actions in unexpected ways. (That sounds suspiciously like a threat…)
You never know who’s waiting to be introduced to you! (But We’re pretty sure it’s not Leona Helmsley, Margaret Hamilton, or Karen Carpenter.)
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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
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