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Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Have you never been mellow?

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Tootie from The Facts of Life, September 27, 2011. Happy birthday to absolutely no one.  And thanks for the big Welcome Back yesterday…nice to know how truly We were missed.  It’s a good thing We do this to amuse Our Own Self.

Our mind just wandered to wonder if Kim Fields is related to the chocolate-chip-cookie Fieldses, and, if so, mmmm….cookies.

Our mind doesn’t get out much.

In other news, you will recall that We were visitated recently by TCBITWWW, who is currently doing PR for one of the few remaining network soap operas.  We shall call it Search for Another World to protect the innocent.  Not that there’s anybody innocent on a soap opera, but you know what We always say: ignorant until proven Goldie Hawn.  Search for Another World had A Very Special Episode yesterday, which We watched this morning on Our computer.  We are going to attempt to keep Our addictive personality in check; We’ll let you know how that goes.

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for: if Totie Fields had played Tootie, nobody would have ever wanted to know the facts of life.  Alternatively, the HorrorScope:

(Naturally, We shall pause first, to allow all of the youngsters to go Google Totie Fields on WikiPedia.)

Get started on something new today -- it could be almost anything, as long as you're working as part of a team.  (Oh, please. We do NOT play well with others.  Hadn’t you heard?  There is no Royal We in “team”.)

You may be leading or following, (We are thinking that We should know which one We’re doing before We start.  Things will likely turn out better that way.  Just a thought.  Asshat.)

but together, you're quite strong!  (It’s morning.  We’ve not showered yet.)

 Go out early today and invest in a new pair of comfy pajamas and slippers, because you need to devote yourself to complete relaxation. (Then why would We be going shopping?  Do you even THINK before you spew any of this rubbish, Kelli?  Jeebus.)

Turn off your aggressive energies, (Shut up.  Bitch.)

say ‘so long’ to going the extra mile (Sarong pell-mell auf wiedersehn Dubai…)

(Welcome to Sing-A-Long ESL Sound of Music.)

and simply put your feet up. (Can We put them up somebody’s ass?  Can We tapdance then?  This day just gets better and better…)

 Today is all about being mellow (They call Us mellow yellow Annette Funicello.)


and removing the word ‘deadline’ from your vocabulary. (Here’s a cunningly linguistic question for Our nakedly skimming Zen Buddhist readers who enjoy speaking in tongues: what happens if you remove the word ‘vocabulary’ from your vocabulary?)

It might be difficult for you to let go and allow other people to handle things, (That depends on what things you’re talking about.)

but you need to take a step back and turn off your engine.  (But first, We’ll need to buy a car.)

 You definitely have a connection with a certain someone.  (From your lips to God’s personal assistant’s BlackBerry™’s voicemail.)

Even if you can’t express it in words yet, (Deadline vocabulary smorgasbord frabnasticator.)

you know that spark’s growing into something hot. (That’s what happens when you rub two Boy Scouts together.)

A forest fire? (Only you can prevent Forest Whitaker.)

 Maybe not. (Clearly Our highly-trained professional Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) is now using the ever-so-scientific Magic 8-Ball™.)

 But you could be in for some smoldering embers. (Smoldering Embers being, of course, the name of a geriatric stripper.  (Don’t think about it too long…you might hurt yourself.))

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.