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Tuesday, September 6, 2011

It’s raining men, hallelujah!

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Tootsie, September 6, 2011.  The Director of the Philly Fringe Festival sent all of Us participants an email today, informing Us that “It Is Raining”, and, consequently, if We were presenting outside performances, We should cancel them.  So, presumably, Our life COULD be worse; We could be doing The Wedding Consultant OUTSIDE.  Or perhaps in a carwash. Of course, if We were (subjunctively) doing it in a carwash, maybe you would, oh, I don’t know, BUY SOME TICKETS:

Of course, Our next performance being Thursday, We may already be in FBI custody, as We have been Googling “waiting period gun state of Pennsylvania” on Wikipedia.

We have still not quite recovered from the shock of the staggering indifference that greeted both Our WorldWideInterWebNetzian absence, and Our return.  Meanwhile, here is something for which no tickets are required, and yet We bet you won’t go look at it anyway:

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for:  McDonna’s last period. (From 2009, in case you were wondering.)  Alternatively, the HorrorScope:

You are legitimately concerned about how others are seeing you, (Actually, We’re more concerned with them NOT seeing Us.)

and today may bring some new information to light. (We shall wait with bated breath.  Also, We shall bait with weighted breath.  And braid with baby’s breath.  Basically, We’ll just sit here and babble incoherently to Ourself while We ponder the futility of all human endeavor.)

Don’t freak out (Don’t tell Us what to do.)

— you’ve got to just set the record straight as soon as you can!  (Even if We HAD a straight record, no one would buy it.  They probably wouldn’t’ even illegally download it for free. Sigh.)

Someone who has a tendency to make things harder than they should be (Johnny Depp?)

may ask you for some help today (Oh, yeah.  ‘Cause Johnny Depp needs OUR help.)

— and you probably won’t have time to give it. (We are pretty sure We could make time in Our non-busy non-schedule for Johnny Depp.)

Resist the urge to get frustrated (Too late.  Also, who the hell has an “urge” to get frustrated?  Frustration pretty much just happens when things are, ya know, frustrating…ain’t no “urge” about it.  Asshat.)

or laugh at this person’s situation. (We think We should pretty much refuse to go and laugh at other people’s situations until they agree to come and laugh at Ours.)

It’s true that you could get yourself out of a similar predicament in no time, (Well, duh.  As We have always said, We can run everyone’s life but Our Own.)

 but he or she isn’t quite as experienced as you. (Oh, please.  We haven’t had an experience since the Clinton administration.)

Don’t fear that this person will be upset with you for not helping — by letting him or her go it alone, you’re helping more than you know.  (That’s not even possible.  In what sort of Bizarro-World alternate universe would JOHNNY DEPP have to MASTURBATE?)

When you try different tactics to get what you want out of love, you’re destined to find the best approach. (With Our luck, We will. Only wind up finding the best roach.)

If what you’re doing now isn’t working, try something else.  (Well, since right now We are basically just existing…)

And keep trying until you succeed. (Or at least until you suck.  (Ooops…too late.))

Don’t give up! (And again We say, don’t tell Us what to do.)
 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.