Google+ Followers

Friday, September 16, 2011

And you find you’re alone.

 Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for
It’s Friday, Friday
Gotta get down on Friday
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the weekend, weekend
Friday, Friday
Gettin’ down on Friday
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the weekend, September 16, 2011. (Clearly, We are a little behind on Our WorldWideInterWebNetzian sensations.  We are also a little behind on Our birthday wishes, so happy belated birthday to Patrick, who turned twenty-four yesterday in Greater Bostonia.  And happy birthday to Megan, who turns twenty-four today (for REALZ) and, consequently, has probably outgrown reading this blog.  And happy birthday in advance to Sara and Lex, who each turn twenty-four tomorrow.)

We find that We really don’t mind doing things belatedly as long as it allows Us to be referred to as “a little behind”.  Because how else is THAT ever gonna happen?

Speaking of The Wedding Consultant, you have only three more chances to see it, and We are currently saving time by compiling Our shit list in advance.  Do We actually write, produce, and perform a one-person show so very often that you can’t manage to bestir yourself to support Us each and every time?  Here is a little NSFW video about how We feel about that:  Tickets for the epic in question are available here: ; get ‘em while they’re HAWTT. 

And now for something completely different: Viggo Mortensen as Rhoda Morgenstern in The Last American Virgo:

We just made ten dollars doing four Google searches.  Jealous?

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for: Richard Simmons’s dress shields.  Alternatively, the HorrorScope:

You need to reinforce your core values today (Doesn’t THAT sound like fun?)

— they keep you going, (Much like bran.)

and you are more in touch with your deeper ideals. (Oh, the tedious, boring ennui.)

It’s one of those days when you might want to take a break from the daily grind.  (To say nothing of the daily bump and grind.)

 You are making some positive impressions on some very powerful people right now, and today your perseverance will pay off handsomely.  (Actually, We’re pretty sure that nothing could be further from the truth.)

Get ready to be invited into the inner circle, through either a social or a work-related invitation. (We seem to have stumbled into someone else’s horoscope.)

 The nature of your time with these people isn’t as important as the length of time you will have with them.  (We are thinking this may actually be Neil Patrick Harris’s horoscope.  We’re pretty sure that Ours would be saying, “You finally empty the dishwasher, then only ten people come to your show, and you die impoverished and alone”.  Because Kelli’s uplifting that way.)

Do not be nervous — these people want to get to know you better, (Nobody wants to get to know Us better.)

and in order to portray yourself accurately, you need to feel relaxed and optimistic.  (Don’t hold your breath.)

 Today you may have to be forceful but with tact when giving a close friend relationship advice.  (Don’t have sex with the dead.)

(We have no idea where that came from.)

It’s never easy to tell a pal the honest-to-goodness truth, but they will appreciate your compassionate candor.  (Compassionate Candor is a really crappy name for a porn star.)

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.