Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Mountie, September 5, 2011. Happy Labia Day to Juan Ann Dahl. It is unclear to Us why We are specifically celebrating Labia, instead of just having a General Genitalia holiday, but whatevs. Any porthole in a shitstorm.
Clearly you have missed Us with every fiber of your laxative; hence the outpouring of concern during Our recent hiatal hernia from the WorldWideInterWebNetz. To recap recent events here at Casa de Curmudgeon, there was an earthquake, followed by a hurricane. That’ll teach Us not to eat Mexican food. In preparation for the hurricane, We lugged the entire contents of Our basement up to Our main floor, then, the next day, We lugged it all back down again. Because We? Know how to have a good time. (The only people who will have any comprehension of the magnitude of the aforementioned undertaking would be Our former boarder, MonkeyNipples, who used to do laundry in said basement, and the director of Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscopes, who recently visited Our nether regions (heh) for the filming of Our Virgo episode. (He actually reads these epistles (hi, Joe!), and consequently will not be subjected to random appellations such as “MonkeyNipples”, lest he subject Us to unflattering camera angles. (Speaking of unflattering camera angles, one of Our favorite movie critic quotes of all time: Pauline Kael re: The Poseidon Adventure: “More anal camera angles than Dumbo.”)))
Speaking of The Poseidon Adventure, the Comcast person who brought Us Our new modem to resolve Our final computer issue looked exactly like Ernest Borgnine, except with a ponytail.
Speaking of speaking of things, since We mentioned Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscopes Virgo Episode, here it is:
In still other news, do you have your tickets to The Wedding Consultant yet? As you can see from today’s Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Constantin Stanislavski Sanford Meisner Uta Haagen-Dazs, We have embraced Our inner method actor and are tearing up the joint at the Walnut Street Theatre And Live Male Showcase. Do buy a ticket and support the Arts…surely you’d rather be an artistic supporter than an athletic supporter? (How many of you just said “Whose?” Clearly, you are Our People.)
And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for: Marie Antoinette says, “Let them eat urinal cake.” Alternatively, the HorrorScope:
You don’t often go along with conventional thinking, (That’s what YOU think. (Heh. See what We did there?))
and right now your mental energy is definitely out of sync with the rest of the world. (Out of the sync and into the bidet!)
That’s a good thing — your ideas are surefire winners! (Insert arson joke here.)
Action is important today. (As is traction. Fractions, on the other hand, are at least three-quarters immaterial. (The hilarity, it burns.))
Major progress is about to be a made, and you will be a big part of it. (Was that a fat joke? (Does Our fat ass make Our ass look fat?))
You may be the calm in the center of a maelstrom of activity, or you may be the person causing all the excitement. (Is that a penis in your pants, or are you just happy to see Us?)
(Did you actually just check your pants? Are you drinking this early in the day?)
Either way, your role is to help everyone do whatever it is that needs to get done. (There’s that laser-beam specificity that We know and love.)
Even if you’re not out in front calling the shots, (It’s so much easier to shoot ‘em from behind.)
you are important — make no mistake. (We thought We made a mistake once, but We were wrong.)
It’s time to join a culture club — without the ‘80s hairdo. (Kelli, Kelli, Kelli, Kelli, Kelli, Kelli, Kelli…this is why WE tell the jokes around here.)
Pick a country you want to learn more about and dive in. (We would like countries so much better if they weren’t all full of foreigners.)
Be sure to flirt in the native tongue. (Such vulgarity! We are both non-plussed and dis-minused.)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.