Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Wednesday Addams aka What The Hell Ever Happened To Christina Ricci?, September 14, 2011. Happy Hump Day to all the Humped amongst you. This is actually not Hump Day for Us (is it ever?), as We are only just beginning Our work week, unless you count Our having worked box orifice for the WaitStaff last night.
We know you are all waiting with bated breath to hear if We’ve found Our missing spectacles…We have, they were on the bedroom floor, and We narrowly avoided stepping on them. We can hear your sigh of relief from here. And those of you who were waiting with baited breath, We can SMELL your sigh of relief from here. If Our life gets any more exciting, We shall require CPR.
Speaking of The Wedding Consultant, (We were, you know; We actually have a five-day-Wedding Consultant work week, beginning this evening. When We get Ourself a brand new dresser. Because Our life wasn’t exciting enough already. Lily Tomlin, We are fond of pointing out, would do this entire goddamn show in a gray blouse and black slacks.) you have only five more chances to see it, beginning this very evening, and There Will Be Consequences if you do not. (Since you’re only nakedly skimming this anyway, let Us be very clear: the people who are not showing up to this show? Are pissing Us off. Just so you know.) Here is Our Inquirer review: http://www.philly.com/philly/blogs/phillystage/Review-The-Wedding-Consultant.html We are particularly taken with the phrase “surprisingly butch”; We are thinking of having T-shirts made. Tickets for the epic in question are available here: http://ticketing.theatrealliance.org/sites/livearts/details.aspx?id=19622 ; get ‘em while they’re HAWTT.
And now for something completely different: the Jules Verne sci-fi classic, Angels On Uranus:
And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for: Lainie Kazan gets vajazzled. Alternatively, the HorrorScope:
Get started on something new today (As We may have mentioned, five days of Wedding Consultant. Unless “something new” is showing up in the audience, We’ll have to be waiting for “new” till next week.)
— you know what you want, (Well, yes.)
and you know exactly how to get there. (Well, no. It’s mighty pesky that the first part of “consenting adults” is “consent”.)
(We were going to say “mighty pesky Joe Pesci”, but We really don’t want to think of Joe Pesci at the same time as consenting adults.)
Anything you start today is sure to end up taking you somewhere new and wonderful. (And again We say: We will be at the Walnut Street Theatre Studio 3 for about four hours a night for the next five nights. Afterwards, We may or may not go around the corner for a drink.)
You should be the first person to speak up when something isn’t right today. (Something isn’t right today! (Starting with Our coffee, which, for some reason, tastes terrible. Also, Johnny Depp was not next to Us when We woke up.))
Make it known that you do not align yourself with people who use cheap tricks or lies to get what they want, (You must be reading Our mail.)
and step away from anyone who behaves in a way that you do not agree with. (For example, this illiterate cow who just ended a sentence with a preposition.)
‘Live and let live’ is a very honorable attitude, (But “Live and Let Die” is a better song.)
but it doesn’t require that you give tacit approval to morally repugnant people. (“Repugnant” is such a well-crafted word…it both looks and sounds like exactly what it means. Much like those tea bagger people who cheered the other day when one of their jack-booted leaders suggested that people without health insurance should be left to die. The adjective is “repugnant”, the noun is “Repugnicans”.)
There’s a new person on the scene who’s eager to make your acquaintance. (Buy a goddamn ticket to Our show; how hard is that?)
Be open to meeting people outside your usual social circle and your paths may cross sooner than you think. (Hey, We have to leave the theatre the same way the audience does. Meeting Us is not brain surgery, people.)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.