Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Thoroughly Modern Millicent Martin, September 8, 2011. Happy birthday to Chris, who turns twenty-four today. Also, happy birthday to Mikel and Cherry Pop, who may not even be turning a TOTAL of twenty-four today. And lastly but not leastly, happy birthday to Kelly, who is turning twenty-four today, but is being granted a birthday do-over upon some drier date of her choosing, at which time she will not be required to turn any age whatsoever.
Speaking of the rising floodwaters, you will notice that the Wreligious Wrong Wrepubliklan Wingnuts and Whackadoodles have pretty much shut their pieholes about all of these natural disasters being Divine Retribution ever since Texas caught fire. Asshats.
Speaking of things that are Divine, you really must toddle along to The Wedding Consultant at your first opportunity. (Your first opportunity being, We might point out, tonight.) Tickets are available here: http://ticketing.theatrealliance.org/sites/livearts/details.aspx?id=19622 ; get ‘em while they’re HAWTT. You cannot possibly want to miss a show which was walked out on by two old farts and their Siamese twin grandchildren Chang and Eng for being “totally vulgar and offensive”. (That is an actual quote from an email to the Director of the Fringe Festival. We were given the opportunity to respond to the leprous louse-infested old cuntbag, but We couldn’t think of anything vulgar and offensive enough to call her. (Although We did do a happy little gay joy dance at the concept of No Refunds…We have your money, you fungally-infected fetid festering anal fistula! Hah!))
Speaking of other things that are Divine, here is a lost episode of Touched By An Angel:
And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for: Phyllis Diller’s ben-wa balls. Alternatively, the HorrorScope:
You should get all the help you need today as you struggle with your big, new ideas. (We had an idea once, but We lay down until it passed. (Unless, of course, “big, new ideas” is a euphemism…will there be someone interesting at Our show this evening? (Yeah, right. That could happen.)))
It’s nice to know you can fall back on others who share your P.O.V. and want to see you succeed! (Ordinarily, One would imagine that “P.O.V.” stood for “point of view”. This being Kelli, however, We are disinclined to be sure.)
At certain points today, you might feel as though you’re struggling to keep your head above water, but don’t lose hope. (Gee, ya think that, given what people are going through today, a little editing might’ve been in order there? Fucktard.)
By the end of the day, you’ll be getting all the support and assistance you need. (Well, We need all the support and assistance We need by eight o’clock. (Preferably 7:45.))
Maybe someone will extend a looming deadline, get an annoying bully off your back, or just make you laugh when you really need a good chuckle. (Or maybe they will just point at Us and laugh as We go down for the third time (and not in a good way)).
(Wow. These drowning metaphors are tough to avoid.)
The affect that the people around you have on your life is especially powerful today. (Oh. My. Gawd. Welcome to PetPeeveVille, population Us. The word you are looking for, Kelli you illiterate brain-damaged imbecile, apparently with an equally moronic editor, is “effect” not “affect”. Jeebus!)
It’s not easy to achieve your love goals if your soul mate standards are unrealistic. (We do not find Our demands for a penis and a pulse unrealistic. Correct Us if We are wrong. (We thought We were worng once, but We were mistooken.))
The chances of a genius fashion model who adores all your annoying habits falling in love with you are pretty slim. (We do not have “annoying habits”. We have “endearing idiosyncrasies.” Bitch.)
Keep superhuman expectations to a minimum. (Indeed. With Our luck, We’ll meet Clark Kent, and never be able to find a phone booth.)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.