These are probably the worst pies in London

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherManInTheAtticMonday, June 30^st , 2014.

Happy Birthday to Lesley, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.

Happy Belated Birthday, meanwhile, to Avram and to Jeff and to LaVonne, each of whom turned twenty-four this past weekend.

Faithful Gentle Readers will recall Our recent central air conditioning fiasco.  Well, in Our latest OurHouseWhereWeLive Hates Us news, having baked a pecan pie, in addition to preparing an entire birthday dinner for Our friend on Wednesday (insert “BirthDoh Dinner” joke here), Our oven has now apparently decided to stop ovening.  Oh, Our broiler still broils, and Our stovetop still stovetops (mmmm….stuffing), but the buns in Our oven are cold.

Now, it will amuse you to know that, in the course of Our WorldWideInterWebNetzian research to identify an appropriate Oven Repair Person, We ran across all manner of Do-It-Yourself advice which insisted that it was simplicity itself to obtain a new heating coil (the obvious culprit in Our oven’s ovenlessness) and replace same One’s Very Own Self.  We even stuck Our head in the oven (which is unfortunately electric, so that didn’t even BEGIN to work out) and ascertained that, the whole thing being apparently constructed out of three Tinkertoys™ and a pipe cleaner, it was probably indeed D-I-Y simple.

Unless, of course, your own personal “Yourself” who is expected to Do-It is OURSELF.

Because, you see, every D-I-Y instruction began with “unplug the oven”.  And Our oven ain’t no little E-Z Bake™ affair…this is one big-ass oven.  The plug to which is, no doubt, (ahem) in the rear.  So the likelihood of Our fragile flower of a Self being able to coerce said oven away from the wall so We could get at its plug (does this sound dirty to you?  Because it sounds dirty to Us, and We even have some slight idea as to what the hell We’re talking about) is practically nil.

We could, of course, shut down the electricity to the entire kitchen, but, this being OUR life, you just KNOW that electricity would never go back on.

(Meanwhile, in the course of typing the above, We mistyped “at its plug” as “a tits plug”, which is actually funnier than the entire story.  So We thought We’d Cher.  You’re welcome.)

In related news, We just fixed something else that had gone wrong in OurHouseWhereWeLIve with about a half a roll of duct tape.  We would tell you what it was, but then We would have to kill you.

In other news, We find Ourselves (not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the sign of Cancer, Our video for which is above …and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends: http://youtu.be/e-EpBAfem_M  ))).

 

Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Cancer video, which is the second  Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video We ever made.  Just look how far We’ve come! (Ooops…did that get in your eye?):

And here’s the HorrorScope:

In celebrity birthday news,  it is Our future ex-husband, Olympic swimmer Michael “Single-Penisedly Bringing The Speedo™ Back” Phelps’s birthday today.  Good MORNING, Mister Phelps!

Also, TheLovelyAndTalented Willam Belli showed up for the first time on Our celebrity birthday website, which see: http://www.famousbirthdays.com/june30.html  He finds hisself in between Florence Ballard, of Supremes fame, and Rick Gonzalez, of We’re-not-exactly-sure-what fame.  Happy 24^th, Willam!

• Aries After three exhausting weeks, you'll be embarrassed and infuriated to learn that the Marine Corps motto is not in fact "Semper Fellatio."
• Taurus God will sincerely apologize to the rest of the hemisphere this week, but explains the snowstorms were the only way to prevent you from wearing those awful sandals.
• Gemini You'll finally start to get calls about that invisible hovercraft you have for sale when the CIA declassifies thousands of previously classified ads.
• Cancer Traveling the world for five years certainly taught you things you'd never have learned otherwise, but you wish someone had told you the hot dog was on a string tied to a stick on your hat.
• Leo Birthday parties have been ruined in some strange ways over the years, but no one will ever top the sick shit you're going to pull next Thursday.
• Virgo You're not the kind of person who likes to ask for help, but for Christ's sake, that's an overturned city bus you're trapped under.
• Libra Seriously, almost everyone these days knows that the whale is a mammal and not a fish, and therefore those guys aren't sleeping with you for your brains.
• Scorpio People born under your sign are tough but fair, gruff but lovable, and faithful to a fault, but the stars refuse to take responsibility for you huffing all that paint thinner.
• Sagittarius You’re certainly the kind of person no one likes to fuck with. Or make out with, hold hands with, or even hug, for that matter.
• Capricorn To his credit, the coroner will apologize to your family, but they'll be forced to admit that "Rectum? Damn thing killed him!" was appropriate considering the circumstances.
• Aquarius Love will be everywhere this week, leaving you nowhere to hide when it gets violent and ugly the way it always does.
• Pisces You're getting better at figuring out what your dreams really mean. However, all that stuff that happens when you're awake is still pretty baffling.

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Roll me in designer sheets, I'll never get enough

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherMadgeTheManicuristMonday, July 1th, 2013.  Happy Birthday to Gina, who turns twenty-four today somewhere in New Jersey. Also, Happy Birthday to Amos, who also turns twenty-four today, somewhere in MassACHOOsetts.  Additionally, Happy Berated Birthday to John, who had a birthday this past weekend, also somewhere in New Jersey (We don’t seem to know anyone who lives in Old Jersey), but who didn’t quite turn twenty-four on it, and also to Lesley, who DID turn twenty-four this weekend, right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles, thereby not taxing Our madd geographical skillz any further, so thank you, Lesley.

Also too, Happy Berated Birthday (yes, We did it a second time so you know it’s not a mistake.  You so funny, Mistah Eddie’s Fathah.)  to The Lovely And Talented Willam Belli, who turned twenty-foru this past weekend as well, possibly in WeHo, but more likely on world tour someplace.

Happy Canada Day to Our Canadian readers.  (Do We have Canadian readers?  They never call, they never write, they never “eh”…how ‘bout a shout out, Canadian readers?  Lettuce know you’re up there.)

So, for something new and different, it’s raining.  So that’s exciting.  Although, today, We have no pressing need to go out into it.  Yesterday, We were trundling about in same.  Amidst Our trundling, We explored a City That Loves You On Your Back tourist attraction We had not known previously, and now We are hell-bent to attend some sort of event held at The Magic Garden, which see: http://www.phillymagicgardens.org/  . As a reward for Our trundling, after the sun had come out, We went inside (because We’re bass-ackwards like that) and had dinner at Café Nola, which, for those of you (which is, of course, ALL of you) awaiting Starzina’s Fringe show with bated (not baited; We’ve discussed this before) breath, is where said show will before performed.  Because, while We haven’t learned much in Our twenty-four years, We HAVE learned that people like shows much better when there’s easy access to good food and lots of liquor.

And, really, that is all We have to report.  We have several things about which We would like to COMPLAIN, but We are going to refrain.  Because that rhymes.  (And the rain wasn’t even one of them.  Not even in Spain on the plain.)

We are, however, going to repeat Our weekend e-pissode from Saturday, for those of you whose Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!  naked skimming schedules may not include weekend e-ditions,  in the interest of reaching the Gentleman Caller who is attempting to reach Us psychically:

<…Insert Way-Back Machine Special Effects Here…/.>

Alrighty then.  To come quickly to Our point, those of you on Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! Marriage Vigil will be both flummoxed and flabbergasted to hear that no one has proposed to Us yet again, for the third day running.  However, We did have Ourselves a viZZZion, in the form of a dream…

From time to time, We have regaled YouPeople within these e-pisstles with stories of Our epic dreams.  If only, We’ve sighed, Our head had a USB port, We could keep both HBO and ShowTime on the air 24/7.  Well, last night We were having a number of epic dreams which, instead of Us concatenating into one long epic dream, We were switching between, a la television channels.

(You may thank Us for that now, as it means We shall only have to Cher the pertinent part.  You’re welcome.)

In the pertinent part in question, We were on vacation.  Somewhere rustic, in some sort of cabin.  (We know, We know…there are WAY too many things wrong with that sentence.)  While vacationing, We received a postcard/piece of mail from someone back home.  (Yes, We realize that’s backwards…it’s a dream, dammit; just go with Us.)

There were pictures of the gentleman who sent the mail contained thereon/therein.  They were outdoor pictures of the gentleman in question, taken from so far away that One had to look very closely to realize that he was nekkid in them.  The accompanying text made it very clear that he wanted Us to come home from Our vacation, and that he was making Propositions Of A Certain Character.

Before you ask (perverts), We did NOT make it home in the course of the dream.

Now here comes the hard part.  (All together now:  “That’s what SHE said.”)  The gentleman in question is an actual gentleman of Our real-life acquaintance.  We are fairly certain that he is one of Our Gentle Readers (and not a naked skimmer (We have not, in fact, seen him naked (unlike many of you (heh)), except for now, in last night’s dream)).  Were he (subjunctively) to make Propositions Of A Certain Character, We would most assuredly whole-heartedly acquiesce.

So, if this is you, and you’ve been thinking of sending Us nekkid pictures, or otherwise declaring your intentions, please do.  (Of course, it might be embarrassing if you sent Us nekkid pictures and it turned out it wasn’t you We were talking about.  (On the other hand, We can really never have too many nekkid pictures, so send ‘em anyway.))

There…wasn’t that a fun e-dition of Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!  to read on a lazy Sayerdee afternoon?

Who said, “NO”?

As a reward for making it all the way through (especially those of you who are now composing artistic nekkid selfies), here is a little video.  As you know, We love the summer and loathe the winter, but for those of you who are oppositely inclined, here is a young lady who shares your point of view.  (The audio is Not Safe For Work, if you happen to be working on a Sayerdee):

 

<…Insert Reverse Way-Back Machine Special Effects Here…/.>

Here is a random joke for Our Sistah Ovella:

Why did the French chef commit suicide?

He lost the huile d’olive.

Heh.  We kill Us.

In other news, as you can see,  Our latest video, Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: CANCER 2013 is above. 

If you’ve been paying attention (oh, relax; We know you haven’t), you will note that this is the fourth installment in a (so far) four e-pissode story arc.  Because We’re a writer like that, and stuff.

We would like you to take this link to said video   http://youtu.be/e-EpBAfem_M and email it to your friends.  Or put it on their SitOnMyFacebook pages.  Or, if they are having a Cancer birthday, wish them a happy birthday with it.  Seriously, people…is this so difficult?

And here is the HorrorScope:

Happy Birthday to Debbie Harry of Blondie fame (the band, not the comic strip, for you older Gentle Readers).

It’s time to get out there and discover something no one has ever seen before  (Our Wednesday panties?)

— at least no one you know!  (You may be noticing that this text is all purple, instead of Our usual blood-clot brown.  That is an artifact of Saturday’s  horoscope being courtesy of Madame Olivia.  We regret that she only ass(tromalogically) ho(roscopulate)s for Us once a week.)

Your terrific personal energy (Jigga what?)

guarantees an adventure, (The Poseidon Adventure.)

no matter where you end up.  (Well, THAT sounds ominous.  (Note to Self:  new children’s book:  The Octopus’s  Ominous Omnibus.))

Give it all you’ve got and then some.  (Unless you’re giving blood.)

You may not see results right away, (Or, ya know, EVER.)

but in putting forth a full effort, you’ll learn to appreciate the process, and that’s truly what’s most important.  (Spoken like a true person who’s never seen results.  EVER.)

Life may never be perfect, (Ya think?)

 but it can be a lot of fun if you let yourself relish what’s right in front of you.  (Insert hotdog joke here.  (Seriously…insert it.  Do We have to do EVERYTHING?))

Enjoying the journey is what gives your day-to-day existence meaning.  (Enjoying the gurney is, on the other hand, perverse.)

After that, the destination is almost beside the point.  (Unless, of course, your destination IS the point, in which case…what the fuck is this bitch nattering on about again?)

 If there’s a hot new art exhibit or a happening neighborhood you want to explore out there, now is the time to head out and soak in local culture.  (Trust Us, if you go exploring out there right now, you will definitely be soaking in something.)

(You’re soaking in it.  (That was a Madge-the-Manicurist callback, all the way from the beginning.  Do We have madd skillz, or what?))

You’re likely to meet someone really great!  (Aquaman?)

(We don’t know about you, But We just made Our Own Self laugh.)

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.