Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Hump Day, February Twefffff, TwennyFourteen.
Here is A Handy Helpful HouseHold Hint From
HellOnWheels: if you are making your
morningcoffee in your morningcoffeemaker, a helpful ingredient to include to
make sure your morningcoffee turns out JustRight in your morningcoffeemaker might
be, oh, We don’t know, say, COFFEE.
Meanwhile, We have been playing phone tag
with an alleged customer service person all week. Yesterday afternoon, it was her turn to call
Us back. When she did not, We called her
this morning, only to be informed that (A.) she was now on vacation until next
week, with no access to voicemail, and (2.) if We needed assistance, We should
call the following number…which turned out to be the main number of the business! Seriously?
That’s how We got a hold of YOUR incompetent ass in the first place!
Happy Birthday to Chris, who turns
twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back. Happy Birthday also to Greg, who also turns
twenty-four today, also right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.
Happy Belated Birthday, meanwhile, to Chris
and to Keith, each of whom turned twenty-four yesterday, while We were
otherwise engaged. Romper stomper bomper
doo. (If you understand what We just
said, you are old. (If, on the other hand, you are thinking, “Who the hell
would get engaged to that demented old crone?”, then clearly you have at least
been paying attention. (Extra credit if you just said, “Sorry…what did you say?”)))
Meanwhile, in Our dreams (which is about the
only place We are likely to get engaged), We were, last night, inexplicably shooting
an opening-credit sequence for a live-action version of Scooby-Doo. Even more inexplicably, We? Were playing Shaggy. We did not know any of the other actors, but
Fred was incredibly hot.
In another dream, We were helping a friend
(hi, Mikel!) rehearse his one-woman show about Annette Funicello. We have no
idea why he turned up in Our dreams, or why he was playing Annette
Funicello. We were happy that most of
what he was rehearsing seemed to be Annette Funicello: The Early Years, so
there were bikinis and mouse ears instead of all the depressing crap that came
later. We Cher this in the hopes that he
will understand it better than We.
(Also, congrats on your move…are you still in Our ‘hood?)
Speaking of Annette, We are now going to
randomly say “Hi” to Our friend Annette.
Because We have that power. Hi, Annette!
Moving on, here is what We now want you to do:
Think of all of your friends who live in, or
know people who live in, or know people who know people who live in, Greater
Bostonia or its environs. For example: Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, Mark Wahlberg.
(Pay attention!) Now share the information in the following paragraphs with
them, via SitOnMyFaceBook, or smokesignals, or autographed Calvin Klein™
underwear. (Sorry…We forgot Ourself for
a moment there.):
LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s
Comeback Tour does Greater
Bostonia!
On Friday, February 28th, We will
be at Club Café in Boston:
SitOnMyFaceBook event here:
On Monday, March 3rd, We will be
at Opus Underground in Salem:
SitOnMyFaceBook event here:
Thank you all in advance for alerting your
Greater Bostonian friends. (You ARE
alerting your Greater Bostonian friends, aren’t you? Each and every one of you has at least ONE SitOnMyFaceBook
friend in Greater Bostonia…you have all been invited to these gigs, so go, say
you are coming, and use the “Invite Friends” button to, ya know, invite your
friends.)
Warm kisses, meanwhile, to Patrick, and
Kevin, and everyone else who’s working so hard to get Us up there. We have decided that, on this trip to Greater
Bostonia, We are finally going to try a Lobster Roll for the first time. Because who DOESN’T want to learn a new
position? Especially with Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, and Mark Wahlberg in the
house…
We are
currently in the sign of Aquarius, the only sign of the zodiac for which there
is only one Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video. Fortunately, it doesn’t suck.
Our video (Aquarius, for you naked skimmers who aren’t paying attention) is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends:
http://youtu.be/ovOtlxcnC50
And now, the HorrorScope…
It is Abraham Lincoln’s birthday. In other news, Annette Funicello had big
titz. (That was for Our str8 boi readers…every so often, We like to throw them
a bone. (Heh…We said “bone”.))
Your parents are affecting your activities
today, even if they’re not really part of your life anymore. (Okay, does anybody else find that sentence
just a LEETLE creepy?)
You know they’re still in your head, (Creepier..)
at least, so get comfy with them (And
creepier…)
and see how it goes. (Alright, Kelli, knock it the fuck off. Jeebus!)
(We are hearing the sound of someone
shoveling snow outside of OurHouseWhereWeLive.
There is no snow to be shoveled yet.
Help.)
Look for promising signs of progress in one
of your newer relationships today. (Hmmm…who have We met recently? And how quick can We roofie them?)
You are finally getting some traction. (Ribbed
for your pleasure.)
Your charm is all you need to seal the deal, (Richard
Simmons’s charm, however, is required for Deal-A-Meal™.)
(What?)
so unleash it without any limits. (UNLEASH
THE LEMURS! (It’s like “Release the
kraken!” But with lemurs.))
The time to play conservatively is over. (Have
you met Us?)
You must act now and act boldly. (Actually,
We don’t have to act until Friday.)
Dangle the carrot (That’s a euphemism,
right?)
and watch them jump for it — then let them
make the final move. (Wow. Not JUST a euphemism, but a euphemism, mixed with
a metaphor, wrapped in an enigma. You
GO, Kelli. AssHatt.)
You need to keep your romantic interactions
light and breezy but not cheesy today. (Cheesy, sleazy, beautiful cover squirrel.)
You can have fun flirting (Also,
farting. But not at the same time.)
while
you get to know that new cutie, (“Cutie”?
What are We, twelve?)
of course, but save any heavy conversations
for another time. (Was that a fat
joke? (Who let Jo Anne Worley in here?))
Namaste, MotherFuckers.
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but
better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For
real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good
friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
