Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Hump Day, February Twefffff, TwennyFourteen.
Here is A Handy Helpful HouseHold Hint From HellOnWheels: if you are making your morningcoffee in your morningcoffeemaker, a helpful ingredient to include to make sure your morningcoffee turns out JustRight in your morningcoffeemaker might be, oh, We don’t know, say, COFFEE.
Meanwhile, We have been playing phone tag with an alleged customer service person all week. Yesterday afternoon, it was her turn to call Us back. When she did not, We called her this morning, only to be informed that (A.) she was now on vacation until next week, with no access to voicemail, and (2.) if We needed assistance, We should call the following number…which turned out to be the main number of the business! Seriously? That’s how We got a hold of YOUR incompetent ass in the first place!
Happy Birthday to Chris, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back. Happy Birthday also to Greg, who also turns twenty-four today, also right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.
Happy Belated Birthday, meanwhile, to Chris and to Keith, each of whom turned twenty-four yesterday, while We were otherwise engaged. Romper stomper bomper doo. (If you understand what We just said, you are old. (If, on the other hand, you are thinking, “Who the hell would get engaged to that demented old crone?”, then clearly you have at least been paying attention. (Extra credit if you just said, “Sorry…what did you say?”)))
Meanwhile, in Our dreams (which is about the only place We are likely to get engaged), We were, last night, inexplicably shooting an opening-credit sequence for a live-action version of Scooby-Doo. Even more inexplicably, We? Were playing Shaggy. We did not know any of the other actors, but Fred was incredibly hot.
In another dream, We were helping a friend (hi, Mikel!) rehearse his one-woman show about Annette Funicello. We have no idea why he turned up in Our dreams, or why he was playing Annette Funicello. We were happy that most of what he was rehearsing seemed to be Annette Funicello: The Early Years, so there were bikinis and mouse ears instead of all the depressing crap that came later. We Cher this in the hopes that he will understand it better than We. (Also, congrats on your move…are you still in Our ‘hood?)
Speaking of Annette, We are now going to randomly say “Hi” to Our friend Annette. Because We have that power. Hi, Annette!
Moving on, here is what We now want you to do:
Think of all of your friends who live in, or know people who live in, or know people who know people who live in, Greater Bostonia or its environs. For example: Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, Mark Wahlberg. (Pay attention!) Now share the information in the following paragraphs with them, via SitOnMyFaceBook, or smokesignals, or autographed Calvin Klein™ underwear. (Sorry…We forgot Ourself for a moment there.):
LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour does Greater Bostonia!
On Friday, February 28th, We will be at Club Café in Boston:
SitOnMyFaceBook event here:
On Monday, March 3rd, We will be at Opus Underground in Salem:
SitOnMyFaceBook event here:
Thank you all in advance for alerting your Greater Bostonian friends. (You ARE alerting your Greater Bostonian friends, aren’t you? Each and every one of you has at least ONE SitOnMyFaceBook friend in Greater Bostonia…you have all been invited to these gigs, so go, say you are coming, and use the “Invite Friends” button to, ya know, invite your friends.)
Warm kisses, meanwhile, to Patrick, and Kevin, and everyone else who’s working so hard to get Us up there. We have decided that, on this trip to Greater Bostonia, We are finally going to try a Lobster Roll for the first time. Because who DOESN’T want to learn a new position? Especially with Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, and Mark Wahlberg in the house…
We are currently in the sign of Aquarius, the only sign of the zodiac for which there is only one Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video. Fortunately, it doesn’t suck.
Our video (Aquarius, for you naked skimmers who aren’t paying attention) is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends:
And now, the HorrorScope…
It is Abraham Lincoln’s birthday. In other news, Annette Funicello had big titz. (That was for Our str8 boi readers…every so often, We like to throw them a bone. (Heh…We said “bone”.))
Your parents are affecting your activities today, even if they’re not really part of your life anymore. (Okay, does anybody else find that sentence just a LEETLE creepy?)
You know they’re still in your head, (Creepier..)
at least, so get comfy with them (And creepier…)
and see how it goes. (Alright, Kelli, knock it the fuck off. Jeebus!)
(We are hearing the sound of someone shoveling snow outside of OurHouseWhereWeLive. There is no snow to be shoveled yet. Help.)
Look for promising signs of progress in one of your newer relationships today. (Hmmm…who have We met recently? And how quick can We roofie them?)
You are finally getting some traction. (Ribbed for your pleasure.)
Your charm is all you need to seal the deal, (Richard Simmons’s charm, however, is required for Deal-A-Meal™.)
so unleash it without any limits. (UNLEASH THE LEMURS! (It’s like “Release the kraken!” But with lemurs.))
The time to play conservatively is over. (Have you met Us?)
You must act now and act boldly. (Actually, We don’t have to act until Friday.)
Dangle the carrot (That’s a euphemism, right?)
and watch them jump for it — then let them make the final move. (Wow. Not JUST a euphemism, but a euphemism, mixed with a metaphor, wrapped in an enigma. You GO, Kelli. AssHatt.)
You need to keep your romantic interactions light and breezy but not cheesy today. (Cheesy, sleazy, beautiful cover squirrel.)
You can have fun flirting (Also, farting. But not at the same time.)
while you get to know that new cutie, (“Cutie”? What are We, twelve?)
of course, but save any heavy conversations for another time. (Was that a fat joke? (Who let Jo Anne Worley in here?))
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.