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Wednesday, February 5, 2014

When you’re down and out, lift up your head and shout, “I’m gonna screw a Great Dane!”

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for WinesDay, February Fifffff, Nineteen-Fourteen.

No, that was not an accident.  We have decided to turn back the clock to nineteen fourteen…there were far fewer bloggers in those days; it will be easier to become an overnight WorldWideInterWebNetz sensation.

Happy Birthday, meanwhile, to Matt.  Who hadn’t actually been born yet in nineteen fourteen.  (It is possible that We have not thought this time travel business entirely through.) Matt turns twenty-four today in New York.  New York, New York, that is.  Public pools, Broadway stars. The City That Doesn’t Sleep (With Us). The City So Nice, They Named It Posh Spice. If you can make it there, you’re making out with Cher.

Didja ever notice how some of those old sayings and song lyrics just don’t make any sense?

(We just looked up Posh Spice to put her in Our index off to the right there, and learned that she and We share a birthday.  Speaking of non sequiturs.)

Apropos of nothing, if your SitOnMyFaceBook status today is “I’m officially over winter”, you might want to re-think your “Special Snowflake” ranking.  Just sayin’.

Shifting gears again, if you send an email after midnight that you have no way of knowing We will see before morning, you are not changing Our plans for “tomorrow”, you are changing Our plans for “TODAY”.

As you can see, We once again have precious little to report, and yet, a Really Big Axe To Grind. (Our Really Big Axe To Grind is not, of course, as big as Our friend’s Really Big Wrench.  (Some of you will, no doubt imagine that that particular segue (What’s a segue, you ask?  About a pound and a half.) is a complete non sequitur.  You would not think so if you knew that Our friend of Really Big Wrench fame is also a friend of Birthday Boy Matt. You know, the one who’s gonna wake up in the chimney they didn’t sweep.))

(Who wrote those crazy old song lyrics?)

Taking yet another hairpin turn on the cobblestone streets between the windmills of Our mind, We have discovered recently that, no matter what you search on Google Image, by the fifth page of results, there will have been at least one picture of Justin Bieber.  Try it and see, if you don’t beliebe Us. 

(Heh…see what We did there?)   Or just watch Our Justin Bieber video:

(You were afraid We were going to say “The Silky Smooth Buttcrack Of Life” again, weren’t you?  But We didn’t.  You’re welcome.)

In other news, here is the SitOnMyFaceBook event for one of Our appearances in Greater Bostonia: This one is on Monday, March 3st .  In Salem.  Where they burned the witches.  So if We don’t come back, you’ll know why.

Warm kisses, meanwhile, to Patrick, and Kevin, and everyone else who’s working so hard to get Us up there.  We have decided that, on this trip to Greater Bostonia, We are finally going to try a Lobster Roll for the first time.  Because who DOESN’T want to learn a new position?

 We are currently in the sign of Aquarius, the only sign of the zodiac for which there is only one Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video.  Fortunately, it doesn’t suck.

Our video (Aquarius, for you naked skimmers who aren’t paying attention) is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends:

And now, the HorrorScope…

It is someone called Jeremy Sumpter’s birthday today.  Our celebrity birthday website tells Us that he is a “Television Actor”.  Apparently, We don’t watch enough television.

Your financial situation is troubling you in some way (And it is, oddly enough, in a Zen Buddhist sort of way.  Much like The Sound Of One Hand Clapping, We are haunted by The Sound Of One Nickel Rubbing Together.)

(Oh, please.  Where the hell else are you going to get a Zen Buddhist joke?  For FREE, We might add.)

— so make sure that you’re paying close attention to it! (Sorry…did you say something?)

You may find that you’ve got something new to add to the conversation.  (Well, We could add “The Silky Smooth Buttcrack Of Life”, but We promised We wouldn’t say that any more.)

If you’ve got a little less zest in your attitude overall, (If We have time later, Wer’re gonna come back here and do a little something with “less zest” and “zeitgeist”.  If not, not.)

now is a great time to take action so you can get back to your old, more energetic self. (Did she just call Us “old”?)

Today’s energy may call for plenty of rest, (Not to mention zest…)

silly movies (Beau Geste? Vision Quest? Once Upon A Time In The West?)

and long chats with old friends (Now she’s calling Our FRIENDS old!)

so you can recharge those spiritual batteries. (Kiss Us quick, We are a Big Pink Bunny.)


Try picking up a book, (Or maybe even opening it and reading it.)

going to a museum or just watching people in the park (If there are people in the park on a day like today, they are some seriously crazy motherfuckers.  Just sayin’.)

— anything that helps you appreciate the richness and variety of the human experience.  (Lettuce just look up “Lobster Roll” in the Kama Sutra and We’ll tell you exactly what kind of “human experience” We need to have.)

Your ambition’s just about burned you out.  (How many times must We tell you, the word is “amBITCHin”?)

It’s okay to admit it that you’re a little over the dating scene right now.  (Just don’t make it your SitOnMyFaceBook status.)

Reconnect with good friends and spend time doing your favorite things.  (One wonders if there’s a variation of the “Lobster Roll” called the “Rock Lobster Roll”…)

You can put yourself back on the market later.  (“On the market”? “On the market”?!?!?  How the hell can We sell it,w hen We can’t even give it away???)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.