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Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Suicide is painless

Hello, Ducks!

Oh, look:  snow.

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Hump Day, February 26rd , 2014.

Thanks to Noah for today’s Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Gerard Depardieu.  It’s been a while since We found something so apt just when We were looking for it.  Which is ironic (don’t’cha think?), given the subject matter.  Kind of like opening your fly over your chardonnay.

(Is it just Us, or does everyone else think that the word “Chardonnay” sounds not so much like a wine, but totally like the name of a cheap hooker?)

Happy Birthday to Doug, who turns twenty-four today, right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.  Happy Birthday also to Walt, who also turns twenty-four today, also right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.

We should not, by all rights, be e-pisstling this morning.  Not, as some of you might imagine, because We should already be on Our way to AmCrack to be wending Our way to Greater Bostonia, but because We are feeling stabby, and might inadvertently say The Wrong Thing.    (Why We get in so much trouble when We say The Wrong Thing, while everybody else gets to tritz all over the WorldWideInterWebNetz, saying The Wrong Thing both willy and nilly, recklessly and with gay abandon, and We aren’t even allowed to stab them in the eye is, needless to say (and yet, saying it anyway) a mystery to Us.)

And yet, as A Responsible Adult Human Being (We are NOT, of course, A Responsible Adult Human Being.  But We play one on TV), We must, unfortunately, bring you the following Public Service Announcement:

Thank you to everyone who in any way attempted to support Our upcoming show at Club Café in Boston, whether by planning to come, or by informing friends and family.  Unfortunately, due to the infamous Circumstances Beyond Our Control, said show has been cancelled, and will not be rescheduled.

We will, however, still be playing Our date in Salem:

On Monday, March 3rd, We will be at Opus Underground:

Now, for those of you haters who don’t think having Our show cancelled is punishment enough for Our hubris in attempting to share what We think of as Our gifts with the general public, We should like to point out that, due to the last-minute-ness of said cancellation, Our trip north to do one show is going to cost Us practically as much as it would have to do three.

We suffer to amuse you.  You’re welcome.

Also, math is hard.

What this means is, We definitely need to sell out the Salem show.  (We also need it to run for about a month, but that’s not so much going to happen.)  We also need to sell out the following:

When We return to The City Of Brotherly Love Handles, We will be performing one night only, Thursday, March 6th, in The Walker and O'Dare Mystery Radio Hour at the Powel House.  Details here:

On Friday, March 7th, We will be performing one of the few remaining performances of Our murder mystery, Murder in Twelve Steps, which, if you haven’t seen in the past year, you probably don’t care about now.

And on Saturday, March 8th, We will be dusting off Everybody’s Favorite Messiah, Jesus H. Christ, as the WaitStaff plays The Match Game  at L’Etage:

Meanwhile, in ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopular) news, We have entered the sign of Pisces, Our most recent video for which is above.  Here is the link with which you may share it with your friends:  Because you do that, don’t you?  DON’T YOU?

And here, because We can resist no opportunity to share it, is Our FIRST Pisces video, starring Justin Bieber:

And here’s the HorrorScope:

It is Victor Hugo’s birthday.  Because We don’t feel like e-pisstlitizing anymore today, We return you now to the golden days of this time last year, when We reviewed the movie version of Les Miserables:

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.