Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for ThurstonHowellTheThird’sThirdThirstyThrowBackThursdayInThurgoodMarshall’sThermals, February 6rd, 2014.
Happy Birthday to Seth, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.
Meanwhile, Our plans for yesterday that got screwed with? Turned out to be a good thing, as the writing We had to do expanded to fill the time We had available for it. We do not, however, have that luxury for the remainder of the week, so this first draft had better best start flying out Our effing fingertips.
Not that Our plans for today are UN-screwed with, mind you. Sigh.
In other news, here is the SitOnMyFaceBook event for one of Our appearances in Greater Bostonia: https://www.facebook.com/events/1379652125635846/?ref_dashboard_filter=upcoming This one is on Monday, March 3st . In Salem. Where they burned the witches. So if We don’t come back, you’ll know why.
Warm kisses, meanwhile, to Patrick, and Kevin, and everyone else who’s working so hard to get Us up there. We have decided that, on this trip to Greater Bostonia, We are finally going to try a Lobster Roll for the first time. Because who DOESN’T want to learn a new position?
We are currently in the sign of Aquarius, the only sign of the zodiac for which there is only one Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video. Fortunately, it doesn’t suck.
Our video (Aquarius, for you naked skimmers who aren’t paying attention) is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends:
And now, the HorrorScope…
Today is Dalton Rapattoni’s birthday. YouPeople probably didn’t think We were hip enough to know who Dalton Rapattoni even IS, but We do. She is Justin Bieber’s less-famous younger sister (she’s only seventeen today, to Justin’s soon-to-be twenty). She is also a lesbian. Although she is more of a lipstick lesbian than Justin Bieber. If it is indeed possible to be more of a lipstick lesbian than Justin Bieber. (Nobody seems to wear any lipstick anymore…how can you have lipstick lesbians if no one’s wearing lipstick? (Is it just Us, or is that a hipper version of “If Helen Keller falls down in a forest, is there sound?”?))
And, as you are all no doubt aware by now, at the slightest mention of Miss Bieber, We plug Our Bieber video:
It’s time to take inventory (Well, it’s certainly time to take something…)
— write down a list of everything you own that’s of any importance, then get rid of the rest! (Oh, no, ya don’t! We got fooled into that once…and once was enough! Onward, Christian packrats!)
It can be quite liberating to realize you don’t need so much stuff. (Fuck that noise…if We want liberation, We’ll burn Our bra. (That’d be some fire!))
You’ve gone out of your way for your loved ones quite a bit lately, but you’re willing to do even more for them now. (That’s Us…We give, and give, and give.)
They know exactly how goodhearted you are, so your generosity doesn’t surprise them on its own, but what you’re about to do is definitely far above and beyond the call of duty. (Day-um! That wasn’t so much a sentence as it was a three-act play!)
Make sure to accept their thanks and praise with grace! (Yeah, We’ll just hold Our breath and wait for all that.)
You’re not getting what you’re giving (Sing it Sistah!)
— and you don’t like it at all. (Whoa, Kelli! A whole sentence dat speaks Da Troof! Blind pig found a acorn!)
Look at the company you’re keeping: you hang with a bunch of takers. (Well, yeah. But only because they’re more fun than Quakers.)
When you change your homies, you’ll change your perspective. (What’ll happen when We change Our homos?)
Stick with the winners. (Oh, “winners”…here, We thought she’d said “wieners”.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.