Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday, February Forf, Twenny Foruteen.
It feels strange for Us to e-pisstlize when it’s nobody’s birthday. Well, nobody that We know, anyway. Also, We feel as though We shot Our proverbial wad yesterday, what with Maggie Smith’s side-eye, and Jesse Eisenberg’s hair, and The Silky Smooth Buttcrack Of Life…
(No, really…go look: http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2014/02/hes-smooth-operator.html Watch Us shoot Our wad. Go crazy and leave a comment. Or go completely insane and actually get in touch with Us!)
We just realized that We are somewhat enamored of the phrase “The Silky Smooth Buttcrack Of Life”. Which is akin, at least etymologically, to the phrase “The Jaws Of Life”. They are not particularly related otherwise, although if you apply The Jaws Of Life to The Silky Smooth Buttcrack Of Life, you clearly get Warm Kisses On Your Opening.
Somewhere in the Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! universe, somebody’s Tuesday panties have a little wet spot on the front.
As for the rest of you, fold your hands and give thanks that you know at least one person who knows what “etymologically” means. You’re welcome.
We are also knee-deep in the writing of the new murder mystery, so We really shouldn’t be in here wasting Our witticisms casting Our seed on a stone (as it (subjunctively) were) for the likes of YouPeople. (“YouPeople” representing, in this particular instance, Non-Paying Customers.) However, Our efforts today are being interrupted by a visit to TheCutestDentistInTheWholeWideWorld, so We’re having a bit of trouble getting started anyway.
We wonder if any Astute Gentle Readers will notice Our recent editing change. Of course, We also wonder if they will stop reading a stute and come back to reading the e-pissode.
We are currently in the sign of Aquarius, the only sign of the zodiac for which there is only one Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video. Fortunately, it doesn’t suck.
Our video (Aquarius, for you naked skimmers who aren’t paying attention) is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends: http://youtu.be/ovOtlxcnC50
And now, the HorrorScope…
Today is Charles Lindbergh’s birthday. He is famous for having given birth to the Lindbergh Baby, which is the baby for whom the Baby Ruth™ candy bar was named. And here, you all thought it was named for that baseball player. Yogi Berra. Silly rabbit, tricks are for prostitutes.
You need to explore new territory today (Does that sound dirty to you? Because it sounds dirty to Us, especially in light of Our earlier anatomical musings…)
so see if you can get your people to back you up (Oh, see, now…)
— you’ll learn all that the world has to offer. (Okay, that right there? Was a Smut Trifecta!)
Someone close needs reassurance, which is easy to give. (Heh. Kelli said “ass”.)
You’ve tried patience, (And We got tired of THAT pretty damn quick, let Us tell you…)
(Heh. See what We did there?)
you’ve tried understanding (What do you mean?)
and you’ve even tried dead silence.
At this point, you’re really not sure what else to do. (Kelli prattled on for several more sentences after this one, but really. You need to recognize an ending when you see one. (Also, if you were clever enough to bypass all of Our “dead silence” space and come this far down to finish reading, why not drop Us a comment to say so? We’d be ever so grateful.))
(Oh, hell. Now We’re wondering why ”grateful” doesn’t mean “full of grates”. Like in the Hail Mary…)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.