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Monday, February 3, 2014

He’s a smooth operator…

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustaAnotherManicotti?OhSureLikeWe’reGoingToTheAck-A-MeInThisMotherFuckingWeatherMonday, February Turd, Twenny-Fourteen.

Well, more ugly disgusting motherfucking gross snow is falling out of the sky at an alarming rate.  For something new and different.  We just cannot even.

Happy Feast Of Saint Blaise Day to all of Our Catholic Gentle Readers. This, for the edification of Our NON-Catholic Gentle Readers, would be the day when all of Us little Catholic schoolchildren would go to church, where the priest would cross a pair of candles and lay them one on each side of Our little necks in order to bless Our throats. (We are NOT making this up.)  To the best of Our recollection, there was never a day devoted to any of Our other little body parts.

The jokes there, for the most part, tell themselves.

We trust you all had a lovely Superb Owl Sunday.  We Our Own Self Personally did not have owl for dinner, although We have heard that the endangered spotted owl makes a lovely fricassee.  While the rest of you were doing whatever it is that you do on Superb Owl Sunday, We were watching Downton Abbey. Where That Black Man With All The Eye Makeup from the other week returned, and actually turned up at the Abbey.  Whereupon all the upstairs characters looked at him as though they had never seen Such A Thing before.  Maggie Smith was, naturally, the best at this…Maggie Smith giving side-eye may be just about as Superb Owl as it gets.

Also, Happy Belated Chinese New Year…well, possibly not belated; it’s been over half an hour…you’re probably hungry for another New Year by now.  It is, of course, the Chinese Year Of The Whores.  Somehow, We think We’ll fit right in.

We are knee-deep in writing the next murder mystery for the dinner theater, so We really shouldn’t be tiring Our typing fingers with this e-pisstle.  But We just have so many things to say…if only We could somehow double-purpose  these scrawlings…so, if you should perchance attend the next murder mystery, and characters therein begin to prattle on about The Feast Of Saint Blaise or Maggie Smith’s side-eye, you’ll know why.

Happy Belated Birthday, meanwhile, to Terry, who turned twenty-four this past weekend right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back, when all of the previous snow had melted and everything in the garden was beautiful. Happy Belated Birthday also to Christine, who also turned twenty-four this past weekend, somewhere in the suburbs of The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.

Also too, Happy Belated Birthday to Chris, who turned twenty-four this past weekend somewhere in Illinois.  Which really wants to rhyme with “Blanche DuBois”, but doesn’t.  (Of course, there is a town in Pennsyltucky called “Dubois”.  And they call it?  “Dooboyz”.  (Again, We are NOT making that up.  (We have no imagination whatsoever.  You would be surprised how little of this crap We actually have to invent.)))  And Happy Belated Birthday to Shawn, who turned twenty-four this past weekend all the way out in El Lay.  Which is where We wish We were, as the weather no doubt looks absolutely nothing like the abortion that’s falling out of the sky here.

And, last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Bleated Birthday to Harry Styles, who turned twenty this past weekend.  Bless his heart.  True Starzina aficionados are aware, of course, that Starzina has a special place in her heart (and, indeed, in various other portions of her anatomy) for all of the members of One Direction, but especially for Mister Styles.

Speaking of hawtt bois with beautiful hair, the WorldWideInterWebNetz were all agog early in the weekend over the casting of Jesse Eisenberg as Lex Luthor in the upcoming Batman vs. Superman fillum.  In response to which, We naturally exclaimed, “He’s going to shave off all of that beautiful hair?!?”  (Who, dear? Gay, dear? Us, dear?  No, dear.)

Still on the subject of hawtt bois with beautiful hair, We probably haven’t mentioned Milwaukee, West Wisconsonomington since Our friend with the Really Big Wrench and the Silky Smooth Buttcrack* returned from same at the (Non-Chinese) New Year.  The lovely folks at still think We live there, however, and We neglected to mention that, one day last week, it was actually one degree WARMER in Milwaukee than it was here.  Sigh.

*(“Silky Smooth” is new this time around.  We’re painting a werd pixture.)

We are currently in the sign of Aquarius, the only sign of the zodiac for which there is only one Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video.  Fortunately, it doesn’t suck.

Our video (Aquarius, for you naked skimmers who aren’t paying attention) is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends:

Apropos of absolutely nothing, We were procrastinating on a dating site the other day where, in response to “What’s the most private thing you’re willing to admit in public?”, a young gentleman said, “I have an irrational fear of cotton balls, and cranberry sauce that comes out of a can‏.”  We are fairly certain that We’re in love.

And now, the HorrorScope…

Today is Doctor Henry Heimlich (of Maneuver fame)’s ninety-fourth birthday.  Who even needs a horrorscope, with a “sums-it-all-up” fact like that one at One’s disposal?

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.