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Thursday, February 20, 2014

I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for ThrowUpThursday, February 20st, 2014.

We are a bit tardy-to-the-party on this “Throw-Up Thursday” WorldWideInterWebNetzian meme.  Even now, We’re not sure We completely understand it, but it seems that every Thursday is now designated “Throw-Up Thursday”, which means that people on the SitOnMyFaceBook all post pictures of themselves from back in the day, wearing outfits that look as though someone threw up on them.  Or maybe they’re pictures of themselves when they were just about to throw up.

Did We mention that We don’t completely understand it?

Hey, you kids, get off Our lawn!

Happy Birthday, meanwhile, to Tricia, who turns twenty-four today, somewhere in the suburbs of The City That Loves You (On Your) Back. 

Happy Birthday also to Katie, who also turns twenty-four today, in the Bronx.  Which, now that We type it, is giving Us etymological pause. (Naturally, being Us, We just went and Googled “Bronx” on Wikipedia, looking for the origin of the word.  It is way more boring than you’d imagine.)

Moving on, We have a lovely new hairdo replacing Our hairdon’t subsequent to getting Our hurrrr did yesterday. Which We did for the low, low price of FREE, thanks to TheLovelyAndTalented Kevin, who permitted Us to refer him to Our stylist, thereby earning Us a free beauty treatment.  And, with Our beauty being such a casualty, We can use all the free treatment We can get, so if YOU are looking for a new stylist, by all means, hit Us up.

In other news, We received Our annual Valentine from Monsieur Johnny Depp yesterday.  Apparently, these modern postpersons have never heard “through rain and snow and sleet and hail”. Or maybe it’s that, now that M. Depp has his AARP card, he’s not quite as spry as he used to be.  At any rate, upon perusal of said billet doux, it turns out that M. Depp has passed Us by once again, and become engaged to some skinny bisexual white woman half his age.

Now, We Our Own Self Personally could become engaged to a skinny bisexual white woman half Our age…just as soon as they expand “bisexual” to mean “possessing a penis”.


Radically changing the subject, We have friends all over this glorious globe of Ours, some of whom were friends even before there were WorldWideInterWebNetz.  One such friend is somewhere in China, in a time zone such that We can approximate that, if it’s ten AM here, it’s ten PM there.  Of course, We have no idea if that’s yesterday or tomorrow, but look on the bright side: it’s dark.

See what We did there?

Now, Our friend in China is, in general, a naked skimmer of these e-pisstles.  Whom We happen to have conveniently seen naked, but that’s neither here nor Nair™.  But perhaps he will indulge Us and actually read this e-pissode if We point it out to him.  The following is a little sort of existential/Zen Buddhist anecdote in his honor.  This ACTUALLY HAPPENED (!).  To US(!!!).:

We were pottering about Our kitchen one day earlier this week (prior to getting Our new hairdo, so We were (wait for it) a hairy potterer) when We discovered that an onion of Our acquaintance had jumped the proverbial shark and begun to sprout. It having thus outlived its usefulness to us as a comestible (it pays to increase your word power), We contemplated hurling its oniony ass into the trash (who knew that “oniony” was actually a word?  Thanks, Micro$oft Weird™!), but, in the end, We hauled out a random pot of dirt and planted it.  Today, several days later, its oniony sprouts have straightened out and are reaching toward the sun.

The moral of the story?  We live in a house where there are random pots of dirt.

See how damn Zen We are?  Why, We are so motherfucking goddamn Zen, We could maintain a motorcycle!

Meanwhile, in ass(tromalogical) h(roacopular) news, We have entered the sign of Pisces, Our most recent video for which is above.  Here is the link with which you may share it with your friends:  Because you do that, don’t you?  DON’T YOU?

And here, because We can resist no opportunity to share it, is Our FIRST Pisces video, starring Justin Bieber:

Moving on,  here is what We now want you to do:

Think of all of your friends who live in, or know people who live in, or know people who know people who live in, Greater Bostonia or its environs. For example: Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, Mark Wahlberg. (Pay attention!) Now share the information in the following paragraphs with them, via SitOnMyFaceBook, or smokesignals, or autographed Calvin Klein™ underwear.  (Sorry…We forgot Ourself for a moment there.):

LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour  does Greater Bostonia!

On Friday, February 28th, We will be at Club Café in Boston:

On Monday, March 3rd, We will be at Opus Underground in Salem:

Thank you all in advance for alerting your Greater Bostonian friends.  (You ARE alerting your Greater Bostonian friends, aren’t you?  Each and every one of you has at least ONE SitOnMyFaceBook friend in Greater Bostonia…you have all been invited to these gigs, so go, say you are coming, and use the “Invite Friends” button to, ya know, invite your friends.)

And here’s the HorrorScope:

This is the second day in a row when no funny celebrities were born.  The hell?

Try to wrangle your deeper feelings up and out of the lower levels of your subconscious.  (Sweetie Darling, if you look at Us, and think, “Oh, THERE’S a person who would ‘wrangle’”, We question your sanity.  Or, at the very least, your eyesight.  And, while We (clearly) do not know a good psychiatrist, We DO know a lovely eye doctor. (Hi, Frank!) He is not, however,  OUR eye doctor, the commute being somewhat daunting.  And We have not seen him naked.  Perhaps Our prescription should be changed…)

(See how We stopped that last bit right before it veered off into insanity?  We are A Highly-Trained Professional…do NOT try this at home.)

It’s hard work, (You’re telling Us?)

but right now you’ve got some support from the universe, (We have a Universal Athletic Supporter.)

so it should be totally worthwhile.  (Then We shall sell it on eBay.)

You should feel comfortable trusting the people who are in power right now — your life might feel like a roller coaster right now, but that doesn’t mean you are being taken for a ride. (Well, then it’s a pretty crappy roller coaster then, innit?)

And any turbulence you are experiencing is not their fault. (It’s probably that burrito We ate last night…)

Be a team player!  (There is no “eye doctor” in “team”!  But there is a big ol’ “You” in “Uranus”!)

(You would think We would know that We have no idea what We’re talking about.  And you’d mostly be right.)

Now is not the time to let your emotions tell you what to do. (Well, then, WHEN?  When IS the time, dammit????)

Hedge your bets (Also, bed your hets.)

and stay right where you are. (Oh, please.  We haven’t been right for YEARS.)

Take it slow for now.(We will take it any damn way We can get it.)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.