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Friday, February 14, 2014

Love is a battlefield

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for FriedEgg, February Fourteenf, Twenny Fourteen.

Happy VD to all of Our VD-infested Gentle Readers.  Ever the source of positivity and moral support, the WorldWideInterWebNetz provided Us with this cheerful thought this morning:

Adolph Hitler?  Had a significant other.  So, if you do not have a significant other, you are less popular than Hitler.

We felt compelled to pass it on.  You’re welcome.

Speaking of the WorldWideInterWebNetz, We generally attempt to refrain from having battles of wits with the unarmed thereon.   Yesterday, however, Our refraining efforts failed Us.  We won’t bother rehashing the entire story here, but if you tiptoe through HimSelf’s SitOnMyFacebook page, you will see what We mean.  And don’t neglect to take a side trip to one of Our Greater Bostonia event pages, where you will learn that Our opponent of limited brain capacity thinks that We “look like” (GASP!) a drag queen! (You will also learn that the correct grammatical rule for punctuational emphasis is to employ five…count ‘em, FIVE…exclamation points.)

Happy Birthday, meanwhile,  to Bobby, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.  Happy Birthday also to Marcalee, who also turns twenty-four today, in, it would seem, Alabama or some such.

Happy Belated Birthday, in other news, to Frannie and to Ken, each of whom turned twenty-four yesterday, while We were otherwise engaged.  Romper stomper bomper doo.  (If you understand what We just said, you are old. (If, on the other hand, you are thinking, “Who the hell would get engaged to that demented old crone?”, then clearly you have at least been paying attention. (Extra credit if you just said, “Sorry…what did you say?”)))

What We were engaged IN, in addition to mundane tasks such as snow shoveling and laundry, was making Snow Day Gravy, like an old Italian nonna, which We then shared with Our friend with the Really Big Wrench and the Silky Smooth Buttcrack Of Life.  (Despite these poetic appellations, We somehow managed to remain unengaged by the end of the evening.  (Less popular than Hitler…despite Our amazing gravy.  Sigh.))

What We DID find Ourself engaged in was watching Captain Phillips, about which We knew literally nothing, except that it starred Tom Hanks and some heretofore unknown black folks.  We highly recommend it, although, like most of the Oscar™-contender fillums We have watched recently, it would be improved by being trimmed by a good half hour.
Moving on,  here is what We now want you to do:

Think of all of your friends who live in, or know people who live in, or know people who know people who live in, Greater Bostonia or its environs. For example: Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, Mark Wahlberg. (Pay attention!) Now share the information in the following paragraphs with them, via SitOnMyFaceBook, or smokesignals, or autographed Calvin Klein™ underwear.  (Sorry…We forgot Ourself for a moment there.):

LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour  does Greater Bostonia!

On Friday, February 28th, We will be at Club Café in Boston:

SitOnMyFaceBook event here:  

On Monday, March 3rd, We will be at Opus Underground in Salem:

SitOnMyFaceBook event here:  

Thank you all in advance for alerting your Greater Bostonian friends.  (You ARE alerting your Greater Bostonian friends, aren’t you?  Each and every one of you has at least ONE SitOnMyFaceBook friend in Greater Bostonia…you have all been invited to these gigs, so go, say you are coming, and use the “Invite Friends” button to, ya know, invite your friends.)

Warm kisses, meanwhile, to Patrick, and Kevin, and everyone else who’s working so hard to get Us up there.  We have decided that, on this trip to Greater Bostonia, We are finally going to try a Lobster Roll for the first time.  Because who DOESN’T want to learn a new position? Especially with Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, and Mark Wahlberg in the house…

 We are currently in the sign of Aquarius, the only sign of the zodiac for which there is only one Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video.  

Fortunately, it doesn’t suck.

Our video (Aquarius, for you naked skimmers who aren’t paying attention) is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends:

And now, the HorrorScope…

Our celebrity birthday website informs Us that today is the nineteenth birthday of one Diego Fagundez.  Who the motherfucking fuckety-fuck, We hear you ask, is Diego Fagundez?  He is a soccer player (in New England, We just learned…hmmm…).  Not, naturally, that We have any earthly idea what soccer even is, although We do recall a long and very tiresome fillum in which the aforementioned Tom Hanks was consistently upstaged by what We subsequently learned was a soccer ball, but that’s not important right now.  What IS important is that you Google up some images of young Diego on Wikipedia, then you conjure him up (by saying, “Fagundez, Fagundez, Fagundez”, naturally (much like “Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice”, except when you’re done, you get a hottie instead of Michael Keaton)) and bring him to one of Our Greater Bostonia shows.


Your creative energy is undeniable today (Oh, please.   We can deny ANYTHING.)

— so bust out with some new ideas or show your boss what you can do.  (We can be less popular than Hitler.  Without even trying.)

It’s easier than you think to change the way you live your life!  (Well, DUH!  Just DIE!  There ya go!)

Do not jump and run (Have you met Us?)

at the sound of someone else’s alarm today — your sense of urgency is different from the next guy’s.  (Indeed.  And rightly so.  For example, last night’s snow (as opposed to yesterday morning’s snow, mind you), which We have been procrastinating about shoveling, has all now been melted by the sun, thereby sparing Us the effort.  Let’s see fucking Hitler do THAT!)

Base your actions on what you think is most important,  (Diego Fagundez’s balls?)

not on what you think other people think is most important!  (What?  We meant SOCCER balls.  What did you THINK We meant?  (Pervert.))

It’s not about being selfish; (But is it about being shellfish?)

 it’s about not letting the agendas of others influence your life.  (Somewhere in the middle of that sentence, even though it really wasn’t very long, We seem to have completely lost the thread.  Sorry.)

Now more than ever, you need to maintain a sense that you are in full control of your life.  (Does that make anyone else feel as though she’s telling Us to delude Ourself?)

You’re feeling somewhat reflective,  (And yet, vampires look at Us and don’t see themselves.)

(That was one of those new-fangled existential jokes.  (Existential jokes, for Our comedically-impaired Gentle Readers, are the ones that aren’t funny.))

(Meanwhile, vampires…new-FANGled…get it?  No, really…GET IT???)

but don’t try to suppress it — this emotional clearing is just what you need.  (Scientology…it’s not just for breakfast anymore.)

Use this time to decide exactly what matters the most to you. (Diego Fagundez’s balls?)

(Whaddaya mean, “wrong answer”?  What would Hitler say?)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.