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Tuesday, February 25, 2014

The best that you can do….

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday, February 25rd , 2014.

Happy Birthday to Len, who turns twenty-four today, right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back, or at least the suburbs thereof. 

In cheerful news, meanwhile, it appears that We have been left unsupervised/to Our Own devices and have, consequently, Fucked. Up. Again.   And not in some little “oh, drat, forgot to put the trash out” way, neither.  More like one of those math word problems from school…you remember:  if a train leaves Poughkeepsie at a hundred and twenty miles per hour, and another train leaves Schenectady at eleventy-twelve kabillion miles an hour, and both trains are carrying nuclear explosives, how big a hole do they leave when they get caught between the moon and New York City?  

Why YouPeople can’t keep an eye on Us, We’ll never know.

The upcoming green bit, meanwhile, is a total repeat from Friday’s e-pissode.  The people who needed to read it and heed it obviously did not.  The rest of you may feel free to nakedly skim past it:

Switching gears (and, knowing Us, probably grinding them), We sometimes feel in here as though We are blowing onto a dead microphone like a dead-microphone-blowing idiot, saying, “Is this thing on?”  This past week has been like that, except not so much in here as out in what passes for The Real World.  Sigh.

We shall make an effort not to whine.

In still other news, We have begun having anxiety/panic attack dreams in anticipation of Our upcoming whirlwind of performance adventures.

Also, We could use your help, in a way that will not cost you any money nor require you to go anywhere.  If you have friends/relatives/associates/a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy in Greater Bostonia, please join Our SitOnMyFaceBook event for LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour  this Friday, February 28th, at Club Café in Boston, so that you can INVITE YOUR GREATER BOSTONIAN FRIENDS (That last bit was the important part.) :

We could really use your help putting some butts in some seats at the preceding event.

We are also playing a date in Salem:

On Monday, March 3rd, We will be at Opus Underground:

When We return to The City Of Brotherly Love Handles, We will be performing one night only, Thursday, March 6th, in The Walker and O'Dare Mystery Radio Hour at the Powel House.  Details here:

On Friday, March 7th, We will be performing one of the few remaining performances of Our murder mystery, Murder in Twelve Steps, which, if you haven’t seen in the past year, you probably don’t care about now.

And on Saturday, March 8th, We will be dusting off Everybody’s Favorite Messiah, Jesus H. Christ, as the WaitStaff plays The Match Game  at L’Etage:

Somewhere in there (obviously AFTER all of that, We must make a plan (as should you) to see OurMizDonna in Lettice and Lovage ( ).  MizDonna, is it true that they are doing Sunday matinees now?  Because We?  Are ALL ABOUT the Sunday matinees.  We shall don Our bluest wig…

(Notice how We have just assumed that OurMizDonna is in here?  She is A Faithful Gentle Reader of these e-pisstles.  And, while she may skim a bit, We suspect she does not do so nakedly, as she reads Us at her office…)

Meanwhile, in ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopular) news, We have entered the sign of Pisces, Our most recent video for which is above.  Here is the link with which you may share it with your friends:  Because you do that, don’t you?  DON’T YOU?

And here, because We can resist no opportunity to share it, is Our FIRST Pisces video, starring Justin Bieber:

And here’s the HorrorScope:

So We opened Our HorrorScope this morning, and We were all excited, because it said:

“You’ve got people who can help you today — no matter what problems you face. “

Then We realized We were looking at Pisces.

It’s a great day to push for something new — your drive for success is powerful!  (Too damn bad We ain’t got a car.)

You may find it easier to work on your own, (THAT’S the HorrorScope We know and loathe.)

as most of your people are neck-deep in their own issues.  (If they are neck-deep in their own issues, they hardly qualify as “Our people”, now, do they?)

 The stars say to go and let ‘er rip. (So the stars tell fart jokes now?)

Have you been holding back? (ANOTHER fart joke?)

Now is the time to unleash your full potential. (And ANOTHER?!?)

That saying about ’use it or lose it’ is a lot more accurate than you think. (To say nothing of “fart it or shart it”.  (No, really…say NOTHING.))

So whatever it is that you’ve been too timid to say, do or wear — well, get ready to show the world what you have and a heck of a lot more. (Because nothing says “throwing off timidity” like using the word “heck”.)

That’s great for you — this kind of stuff can really get the romantic ball rolling!  (And there’s just nothing as romantic as rolling balls…)


Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.