Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for, February 7rd, 2014.
Happy Birthday to Devin, who turns twenty-four today in FairBrooklynThePrideOfTheThornInTheSideOfNewYork.
Okay, just so We’re very, very clear, here is what We now want you to do:
Think of all of your friends who live in, or know people who live in, or know people who know people who live in, Greater Bostonia or its environs. For example: Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, Mark Wahlberg.
Now share the information in the following paragraphs with them, via SitOnMyFaceBook, or smokesignals, or autographed Calvin Klein™ underwear. (Sorry…We forgot Ourself for a moment there.):
LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour does Greater Bostonia!
On Friday, February 28th, We will be at Club Café in Boston:
SitOnMyFaceBook event here: https://www.facebook.com/events/1402244933363959/
On Monday, March 3rd, We will be at Opus Underground in Salem:
SitOnMyFaceBook event here: https://www.facebook.com/events/1379652125635846/
Stay tuned to these e-pisstles, as We will be playing one more date in the area, to be announced early next week.
And thank you all in advance for alerting your Greater Bostonian friends. (Do you feel just like Paul Revere now? We bet you feel just like Paul Revere now. “The British Bitch is coming, the British Bitch is coming!”)
Warm kisses, meanwhile, to Patrick, and Kevin, and everyone else who’s working so hard to get Us up there. We have decided that, on this trip to Greater Bostonia, We are finally going to try a Lobster Roll for the first time. Because who DOESN’T want to learn a new position? Especially with Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, and Mark Wahlberg in the house…
Meanwhile, in local news, you will be shocked…SHOCKED, We tell you…to learn that, after a long day of litter-hairy slaving and toiling over Act Seventeen of the new murder mystery, We actually ventured forth from OurHouseWhereWeLive into the icy cold darkness last night to go to the thee-AY-ter. We went to see Snowglobe, and We are oh-so-glad we did. And so should you; you have only three chances left.
So run, do not walk: info here: https://macknight.yapsody.com/
You have probably already seen one or more of the stellar reviews the show has received, but We don’t remember whether or not they mentioned that, in addition to being really smart and well-written, the show is laugh-out-loud funny. Lovely performances by Amanda Schoonover and Charlotte Northeast, fine direction by Bill McKinlay, and only about an hour long…what’s not to love? Get your damn tickets NOW, already!
You, of course, will not get to enjoy the show in the same fine company as We did, with Our Sistah Ovella and Our Close Personal Friend, Justin Bieber.
And, as you are all no doubt aware by now, at the slightest mention of The Bieber, We plug Our Bieber video:
The Bieber, for his part, is just happy that We did not at any point employ the phrases “Really Big Wrench” or “Silky Smooth Buttcrack Of Life”.
(We just had a musical flash of Aretha Franklin’s “Freeway of Love” rewritten as “Buttcrack of Life”…
We goin’ ridin’ on the buttcrack of life
Wind’s against Our back
We goin’ ridin’ on the buttcrack of life
In my pink Cadillac…)
Who’s spelling R-E-S-P-E-C-T now?
We are currently in the sign of Aquarius, the only sign of the zodiac for which there is only one Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video. Fortunately, it doesn’t suck.
Our video (Aquarius, for you naked skimmers who aren’t paying attention) is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends:
And now, the HorrorScope…
Our celebrity birthday website informs Us that today is Ashton Kutcher’s birthday. It is also the birthday of British Olympic diver, Chris Mears, who turns twenty-one today. (Do yourself a favor and Google up some images of him on Wikipedia. Holy Jumping Jeebus! (Well, Holy DIVING Jeebus!))
Perhaps, in anticipation of Our Greater Bostonian hijinks with Messrs. Damon, Affleck, and Wahlberg, We shall invite Birthday Boys Kutcher and Mears over later so We can Frost Their Cupcakes. (We capitalized that so you’d know We were being dirty. Didja get it?)
And now, as We have a whodunnit to get dunn, herewith A Reading From Madame Olivia:
Greetings, Starzina ~
Welcome back and thank you for consulting Madame Olivia.
Madame Olivia just happened on a fabulous quote from Amelia Earhart: "The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity. The fears are paper tigers. You can do anything you decide to do. You can act to change and control your life; and the procedure, the process is its own reward." Madame Olivia especially enjoys The fears are paper tigers. Apply this as needed!
Well, little Aries, changes large and small are afoot for you. No wonder, with that troublemaker Uranus in your very sign, to say nothing of animator Pluto in Capricorn. Sheesh. The thing is not to fight change but to embrace it as best you can: you will triumph in ways you cannot even fathom from where you are now. Madame Olivia is behind you on this.
Significant color for you now: dark red
Alas, it is time to take our leave but Madame Olivia looks forward to your next visit and sends you warmest wishes.
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.