Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for, February 7rd, 2014.
Happy Birthday to Devin, who turns
twenty-four today in FairBrooklynThePrideOfTheThornInTheSideOfNewYork.
Okay, just so We’re very, very clear, here is
what We now want you to do:
Think of all of your friends who live in, or know
people who live in, or know people who know people who live in, Greater
Bostonia or its environs. For example: Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, Mark Wahlberg.
(Pay attention!)
Now share the information in the following paragraphs with
them, via SitOnMyFaceBook, or smokesignals, or autographed Calvin Klein™
underwear. (Sorry…We forgot Ourself for
a moment there.):
LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s
Comeback Tour does Greater
Bostonia!
On Friday, February 28th, We will
be at Club Café in Boston:
SitOnMyFaceBook event here: https://www.facebook.com/events/1402244933363959/
On Monday, March 3rd, We will be
at Opus Underground in Salem:
SitOnMyFaceBook event here: https://www.facebook.com/events/1379652125635846/
Stay tuned to these e-pisstles, as We will be
playing one more date in the area, to be announced early next week.
And thank you all in advance for alerting
your Greater Bostonian friends. (Do you
feel just like Paul Revere now? We bet
you feel just like Paul Revere now. “The
British Bitch is coming, the British Bitch is coming!”)
Warm kisses, meanwhile, to Patrick, and
Kevin, and everyone else who’s working so hard to get Us up there. We have decided that, on this trip to Greater
Bostonia, We are finally going to try a Lobster Roll for the first time. Because who DOESN’T want to learn a new
position? Especially with Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, and Mark Wahlberg in the
house…
Meanwhile, in local news, you will be shocked…SHOCKED,
We tell you…to learn that, after a long day of litter-hairy slaving and toiling
over Act Seventeen of the new murder mystery, We actually ventured forth from
OurHouseWhereWeLive into the icy cold darkness last night to go to the
thee-AY-ter. We went to see Snowglobe,
and We are oh-so-glad we did. And so
should you; you have only three chances left.
So run, do not walk: info here: https://macknight.yapsody.com/
You have probably already seen one or more of
the stellar reviews the show has received, but We don’t remember whether or not
they mentioned that, in addition to being really smart and well-written, the show
is laugh-out-loud funny. Lovely performances by Amanda Schoonover and Charlotte
Northeast, fine direction by Bill McKinlay, and only about an hour long…what’s
not to love? Get your damn tickets NOW,
already!
You, of course, will not get to enjoy the
show in the same fine company as We did, with Our Sistah Ovella and Our Close
Personal Friend, Justin Bieber.
And, as you are all no doubt aware by now, at
the slightest mention of The Bieber, We plug Our Bieber video:
The Bieber, for his part, is just happy that We
did not at any point employ the phrases “Really Big Wrench” or “Silky Smooth
Buttcrack Of Life”.
Ooops.
(We just had a musical flash of Aretha
Franklin’s “Freeway of Love” rewritten as “Buttcrack of Life”…
We
goin’ ridin’ on the buttcrack of life
Wind’s
against Our back
We
goin’ ridin’ on the buttcrack of life
In
my pink Cadillac…)
Who’s
spelling R-E-S-P-E-C-T now?
We are
currently in the sign of Aquarius, the only sign of the zodiac for which there
is only one Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video. Fortunately, it doesn’t suck.
Our video (Aquarius, for you naked skimmers who aren’t paying attention) is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends:
http://youtu.be/ovOtlxcnC50
And now, the HorrorScope…
Our celebrity birthday website informs Us
that today is Ashton Kutcher’s birthday.
It is also the birthday of British Olympic diver, Chris Mears, who turns
twenty-one today. (Do yourself a favor
and Google up some images of him on Wikipedia.
Holy Jumping Jeebus! (Well, Holy
DIVING Jeebus!))
Perhaps, in anticipation of Our Greater
Bostonian hijinks with Messrs. Damon, Affleck, and Wahlberg, We shall invite
Birthday Boys Kutcher and Mears over later so We can Frost Their Cupcakes. (We capitalized that so you’d know We were
being dirty. Didja get it?)
And now, as We have a whodunnit to get dunn,
herewith A Reading From Madame Olivia:
Greetings, Starzina ~
Welcome back and thank you for consulting Madame Olivia.
Madame Olivia just happened on a fabulous quote from Amelia
Earhart: "The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is
merely tenacity. The fears are paper tigers. You can do anything you decide to
do. You can act to change and control your life; and the procedure, the process
is its own reward." Madame Olivia especially enjoys The fears are paper
tigers. Apply this as needed!
Well, little Aries, changes large and small are afoot for
you. No wonder, with that troublemaker Uranus in your very sign, to say nothing
of animator Pluto in Capricorn. Sheesh. The thing is not to fight change but to
embrace it as best you can: you will triumph in ways you cannot even fathom
from where you are now. Madame Olivia is behind you on this.
Significant color for you now: dark red
Alas, it is time to take our leave but Madame Olivia looks
forward to your next visit and sends you warmest wishes.
Namaste, MotherFuckers.
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but
better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For
real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good
friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
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