Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherManHoleMonday(DidThatSoundDirtyToYou?BecauseItSoundedDirtyToUs,EvenThoughWeKnewWhatWeMeantAndItWasn’tDirty(No,Really)),
February 24rd , 2014.
Apparently, according to Twatter, Our life is
incomplete because We don’t own any Andrew Christian™ underwear. Le sigh.
On the other hand, she wore a glove. Also,
perhaps Our life is incomplete because We don’t own any Andrew Christian™
underwear MODELS.
Happy Birthday, meanwhile, to OurMizGerre,
who turns twenty-four today, right here in The City That Loves You (On Your)
Back, or at least the suburbs thereof.
Happy Birthday also to Cathy, who also turns
twenty-four today, way out west in Altoona.
Swimming pools, movie stars.
Happy Belated Birthday to Brian, Chris, Nick,
Paul, Susan, and Lyle and his twin sister Lyell, each of whom turned
twenty-four this past weekend.
The upcoming green bit, meanwhile, is a total
repeat from Friday’s e-pissode. The
people who needed to read it and heed it obviously did not. The rest of you may feel free to nakedly skim
past it:
Switching gears (and, knowing Us, probably
grinding them), We sometimes feel in here as though We are blowing onto a dead
microphone like a dead-microphone-blowing idiot, saying, “Is this thing on?” This past week has been like that, except not
so much in here as out in what passes for The Real World. Sigh.
We shall make an effort not to whine.
In still other news, We have begun having
anxiety/panic attack dreams in anticipation of Our upcoming whirlwind of
performance adventures.
Also, We could use your help, in a way that
will not cost you any money nor require you to go anywhere. If you have friends/relatives/associates/a
guy who knows a guy who knows a guy in Greater Bostonia, please join Our
SitOnMyFaceBook event for LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s
Comeback Tour this Friday, February 28th, at
Club Café in Boston:
SitOnMyFaceBook event here:
We could really use your help putting some butts
in some seats at the preceding event.
We are also playing a date in Salem:
On Monday, March 3rd, We will be
at Opus Underground:
SitOnMyFaceBook event here:
When We return to The City Of Brotherly Love
Handles, We will be performing one night only, Thursday, March 6th,
in The
Walker and O'Dare Mystery Radio Hour at the Powel House. Details here:
On Friday, March 7th, We will be
performing one of the few remaining performances of Our murder mystery, Murder
in Twelve Steps, which, if you haven’t seen in the past year, you probably
don’t care about now.
And on Saturday, March 8th, We
will be dusting off Everybody’s Favorite Messiah, Jesus H. Christ, as the
WaitStaff plays The Match Game at L’Etage:
https://www.facebook.com/events/289403944541722/
Somewhere in there (obviously AFTER all of
that, We must make a plan (as should you) to see OurMizDonna in Lettice
and Lovage (http://www.allenslane.org/
). MizDonna, is it true that they are
doing Sunday matinees now? Because
We? Are ALL ABOUT the Sunday
matinees. We shall don Our bluest wig…
(Notice how We have just assumed that
OurMizDonna is in here? She is A
Faithful Gentle Reader of these e-pisstles.
And, while she may skim a bit, We suspect she does not do so nakedly, as
she reads Us at her office…)
Meanwhile, in ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopular)
news, We have entered the sign of Pisces, Our most recent video for which is
above. Here is the link with which you
may share it with your friends: http://youtu.be/KMNgwWwNux8 Because you do that, don’t you? DON’T
YOU?
And here, because We can resist no
opportunity to share it, is Our FIRST Pisces video, starring Justin Bieber:
And
here’s the HorrorScope:
Our
“celebrity” birthday website would like Us to know that Earl Sweatshirt is
twenty today. One imagined for a moment
that he was someone like the Earl of Sandwich, until One came to One’s senses
and realized that he was a rapper. Of
course, if OUR real name were (subjunctively) Thebe Neruda Kgositsile, We might
call Ourself “Earl ArticleofClothing” too.
Although We’re fairly certain We would opt for something catchier than “Sweatshirt”. Yes indeedy, ladies and genitals, if this
ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopulist) thing doesn’t work out for Us, We shall start
a whole new career as a rapper. Named “Earl
Underoos™”.
If
you’re not active today, you may wonder what you can do to change that. (Dear. Lord. Jeebus. If you’re “not active”, you can’t DO
anything. The stupid, it burns.)
Make
sure that you’ve got multiple options in case anything falls through, and you
should be right where you want to be. (As
long as there are multiple places you want to be…does this bitch even listen to
herself when she talks?)
You
have an opinion about where the current culture is headed, (Hell in a
handbag? Helena Bonham Carter?)
and
you have a right to help alter that course if it is not to your liking. (We
shall begin rapping on that subject any moment now.)
Standing
up for what you believe in can make you feel better than you’d think. (Sitting down feels nice, too.)
You
can make a difference. (Can We make it
the same?)
You’re
lots of fun to hang out with now. (When
you get to the end of your rope, tie a noose in it and hang on.)
Whether
you’re out on a date or just heading out with the gang, you’re definitely
turning heads (Can We turn them 360
degrees? Till they snap?)
—
and you might even be causing a scene (Or an OBscene.).
Namaste, MotherFuckers.
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but
better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For
real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good
friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There
is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal
blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the
Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets
and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
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