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Monday, February 24, 2014

Duke Duke Duke Duke of Earl

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherManHoleMonday(DidThatSoundDirtyToYou?BecauseItSoundedDirtyToUs,EvenThoughWeKnewWhatWeMeantAndItWasn’tDirty(No,Really)), February 24rd , 2014.

Apparently, according to Twatter, Our life is incomplete because We don’t own any Andrew Christian™ underwear.  Le sigh.

On the other hand, she wore a glove. Also, perhaps Our life is incomplete because We don’t own any Andrew Christian™ underwear MODELS.

Happy Birthday, meanwhile, to OurMizGerre, who turns twenty-four today, right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back, or at least the suburbs thereof. 

Happy Birthday also to Cathy, who also turns twenty-four today, way out west in Altoona.  Swimming pools, movie stars.

Happy Belated Birthday to Brian, Chris, Nick, Paul, Susan, and Lyle and his twin sister Lyell, each of whom turned twenty-four this past weekend.

The upcoming green bit, meanwhile, is a total repeat from Friday’s e-pissode.  The people who needed to read it and heed it obviously did not.  The rest of you may feel free to nakedly skim past it:

Switching gears (and, knowing Us, probably grinding them), We sometimes feel in here as though We are blowing onto a dead microphone like a dead-microphone-blowing idiot, saying, “Is this thing on?”  This past week has been like that, except not so much in here as out in what passes for The Real World.  Sigh.

We shall make an effort not to whine.

In still other news, We have begun having anxiety/panic attack dreams in anticipation of Our upcoming whirlwind of performance adventures.

Also, We could use your help, in a way that will not cost you any money nor require you to go anywhere.  If you have friends/relatives/associates/a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy in Greater Bostonia, please join Our SitOnMyFaceBook event for LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour  this Friday, February 28th, at Club Café in Boston:

SitOnMyFaceBook event here:  

We could really use your help putting some butts in some seats at the preceding event.

We are also playing a date in Salem:

On Monday, March 3rd, We will be at Opus Underground:

SitOnMyFaceBook event here: 

When We return to The City Of Brotherly Love Handles, We will be performing one night only, Thursday, March 6th, in The Walker and O'Dare Mystery Radio Hour at the Powel House.  Details here: 

On Friday, March 7th, We will be performing one of the few remaining performances of Our murder mystery, Murder in Twelve Steps, which, if you haven’t seen in the past year, you probably don’t care about now.

And on Saturday, March 8th, We will be dusting off Everybody’s Favorite Messiah, Jesus H. Christ, as the WaitStaff plays The Match Game  at L’Etage:

Somewhere in there (obviously AFTER all of that, We must make a plan (as should you) to see OurMizDonna in Lettice and Lovage ( ).  MizDonna, is it true that they are doing Sunday matinees now?  Because We?  Are ALL ABOUT the Sunday matinees.  We shall don Our bluest wig…

(Notice how We have just assumed that OurMizDonna is in here?  She is A Faithful Gentle Reader of these e-pisstles.  And, while she may skim a bit, We suspect she does not do so nakedly, as she reads Us at her office…)

Meanwhile, in ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopular) news, We have entered the sign of Pisces, Our most recent video for which is above.  Here is the link with which you may share it with your friends:  Because you do that, don’t you?  DON’T YOU?

And here, because We can resist no opportunity to share it, is Our FIRST Pisces video, starring Justin Bieber:

And here’s the HorrorScope:

Our “celebrity” birthday website would like Us to know that Earl Sweatshirt is twenty today.  One imagined for a moment that he was someone like the Earl of Sandwich, until One came to One’s senses and realized that he was a rapper.  Of course, if OUR real name were (subjunctively) Thebe Neruda Kgositsile, We might call Ourself “Earl ArticleofClothing” too.  Although We’re fairly certain We would opt for something catchier than “Sweatshirt”.  Yes indeedy, ladies and genitals, if this ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopulist) thing doesn’t work out for Us, We shall start a whole new career as a rapper.  Named “Earl Underoos™”.

If you’re not active today, you may wonder what you can do to change that.  (Dear. Lord. Jeebus.  If you’re “not active”, you can’t DO anything.  The stupid, it burns.)

Make sure that you’ve got multiple options in case anything falls through, and you should be right where you want to be.  (As long as there are multiple places you want to be…does this bitch even listen to herself when she talks?)

You have an opinion about where the current culture is headed, (Hell in a handbag?  Helena Bonham Carter?)

and you have a right to help alter that course if it is not to your liking. (We shall begin rapping on that subject any moment now.)

Standing up for what you believe in can make you feel better than you’d think.  (Sitting down feels nice, too.)

You can make a difference.  (Can We make it the same?)

You’re lots of fun to hang out with now.  (When you get to the end of your rope, tie a noose in it and hang on.)

Whether you’re out on a date or just heading out with the gang, you’re definitely turning heads  (Can We turn them 360 degrees?  Till they snap?)

— and you might even be causing a scene (Or an OBscene.).

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.