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Friday, February 21, 2014

This is just a moment in the woods

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! For FriedEgg, February 21rd , 2014.  Thanks to Katy for today’s Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! Pixture Du Jour Au Jus.

Happy Birthday, meanwhile, to Ethan, who turns twenty-four today, right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back. 

Happy Birthday also to Barry, who also turns twenty-four today, also right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.

And, last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Birthday to Gin, who turns twenty-four today all the way over in the UK. (We are referring, naturally, to a person, and not the beverage, the beverage being, of course, a good many years older than twenty-four.  (We also imagine that “Gin” is short for something.  (Possibly “Martini”.  (Or, in Our case, “Negroni”.))))

Does anyone (besides Us) think that “Martini” would be a lovely girl’s name?  Sort of a feminine version of “Martin”…much like, say, “Danielle”, or “Josephine”, or “Sex On The Beach”…

Switching gears (and, knowing Us, probably grinding them), We sometimes feel in here as though We are blowing onto a dead microphone like a dead-microphone-blowing idiot, saying, “Is this thing on?”  This past week has been like that, except not so much in here as out in what passes for The Real World.  Sigh.

We shall make an effort not to whine.

Heh…”Sex On The Beach”…see what We did there?

Meanwhile, in ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopular) news, We have entered the sign of Pisces, Our most recent video for which is above.  Here is the link with which you may share it with your friends:  Because you do that, don’t you?  DON’T YOU?

And here, because We can resist no opportunity to share it, is Our FIRST Pisces video, starring Justin Bieber:

Moving on, here is what We now want you to do:

Think of all of your friends who live in, or know people who live in, or know people who know people who live in, Greater Bostonia or its environs. For example: Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, Mark Wahlberg. (Pay attention!) Now share the information in the following paragraphs with them, via SitOnMyFaceBook, or smokesignals, or autographed Calvin Klein™ underwear.  (Sorry…We forgot Ourself for a moment there.):

LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour  does Greater Bostonia!

On Friday, February 28th, We will be at Club Café in Boston:

On Monday, March 3rd, We will be at Opus Underground in Salem:

Thank you all in advance for alerting your Greater Bostonian friends.  (You ARE alerting your Greater Bostonian friends, aren’t you?  Each and every one of you has at least ONE SitOnMyFaceBook friend in Greater Bostonia…you have all been invited to these gigs, so go, say you are coming, and use the “Invite Friends” button to, ya know, invite your friends.)

And here’s the HorrorScope:

Our celebrity birthday website identifies celebrities’ claims to fame with a succinct one or two word phrase (because We are, of course, Us, We just spent several minutes Googling “epithet” on Wikipedia, before deciding that that was not exactly what We meant.  You’re welcome.) to assist the celebrity-impaired.  (Note to Self:  investigate whether “hard-of-celebrity” is a thing.  (If it isn’t, make it one.))  Thus, the celebrity’s name might be followed by such things as “actor”, “politician”, or “serial killer”.

Today, said website wants Us to know that it is Blanket Jackson’s twelfth birthday.  Who the motherfucking fuckety-fuck is Blanket Jackson, you ask?  Celebrity Birthday Website is only too happy to assist you, by pointing out that Young Blanket’s claim to fame is “family member”.  Thanks, Celebrity Birthday Website!

(Blanket Jackson is Michael Jackson’s youngest son.  (Try not to think about it.))

And that was not even today’s weirdest entry.  Celebrity Birthday Website also wanted Us to know that it was Jeanne Calment’s birthday.  Ms. Calment’s claim to fame?  “Other”.  Oooookaaaayyyy…so presumably she’s not a “serial killer”, and she doesn’t have a family?

Turns out, Ms. Calment was the oldest living human.  Until she, ya know, died.  Lived to be a hundred and twenty-two, she did.  Don’t even get Us started.

Your emotional side is working like crazy on getting you over this weird situation — but you have to trust your heart.  (Well, really, don’t you pretty much have to trust ALL of your internal organs?  Lord knows, We trust all of Ours.  (Well, except Our spleen…it pisses Us off.  And Our duodenum is a little sketchy…but other than that…))

Follow its guidance and you can’t go wrong, no matter what happens.  (You underestimate Us.  We can ALWAYS go wrong.)

All of your forward momentum is starting to slow down a bit, and it’s not a moment too soon!  (How odd that Her AssHattedNess has put “moment” and “momentum” in the same sentence.  Since We were just talking about organs, We shall throw “omentum” in there, just for shitz and gigglez.  Put them all together, they spell “motherfucker”.)

Enjoy a more leisurely pace. (Don’t tell Us what to do!)

Everything will happen when it’s meant to happen, which means you can stop worrying. (What a load of crap!  If everything will happen when it’s meant to happen, then We’re worrying exactly when We’re meant to be worrying.   AssHatt.)

You need to focus your energy outward — toward the beauty of the world around you, near and far. (Kiss Us quick, We’re Celine Dion.)

(Near…far…whereeeeeverrrr you are…)

(Ooops…is that stuck in your heads now?  Too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad.)

Take a quick trip (Does anybody actually drop acid anymore?)

and bring clear eyes (Again with the organs.)

and a sweet attitude. (And sweetbreads.  Mmmm….sweetbreads.)

The vacation frame of mind should make some great fun. (Oh, indeed.  We have great fun EVERY time Our mind goes on vacation…)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.