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Monday, February 17, 2014

Troll out the barrel





Hello, Ducks!




Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherManOverboardMonday, February 17st, 2014.



Happy Presidents Day to all of Our Gentle Readers who are Presidents.  For those of you who are NOT Presidents, here are a whole lot of Presidents Day pictures of Presidents wearing their wives’ clothing:  





You’re welcome.  (And thank you to Josh, for the link.)




Happy Birthday, meanwhile, to Aaron, who turns twenty-four today, We would have imagined right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back, but no, actually in MaryLand. (Mary had a little land whose fjords were white as snow.  And everywhere that Mary went, her fjords wouldn’t go, because they’re fucking FJORDS, fercrissakes, and they stay pretty much in one place.  That one place being not so much Maryland, because there aren’t any fjords in Maryland, but it’s Our damn poem, and ooops, We’ve stopped rhyming.)




Happy Birthday also to Chris, who also turns twenty-four today, in, it would seem, Connecticut or some such.  Chris doesn’t get his own poem today, because We can’t think of a poem with Connecticut in it, but that’s okay, because We licked his nipple a whole lot of times a long time ago, and if he turned up right now, We’d do it again, because We have seen pictures and he is still Hawttie McHawttHawtt With Hawtt Sauce.



Happy Birthday also to Donna, who also turns twenty-four today somewhere in New Jersey.  We have neither a poem nor a nipple story about Donna (for which We imagine her son is thankful), but hopefully there will be cake.



Happy Belated Birthday, in other news, to Lynda and to Rachel and to Rich, each of whom turned twenty-four over the weekend, while We were otherwise engaged.  Romper stomper bomper doo.  (If you understand what We just said, you are old. (If, on the other hand, you are thinking, “Who the hell would get engaged to that demented old crone?”, then clearly you have at least been paying attention. (Extra credit if you just said, “Sorry…what did you say?”)))



And now, as We threatened on SItOnMyFaceBook yesterday…



Stay tuned tomorrow for A Very Special E-Pissode of Eric's!Daily!Horoscope!...



Many of you will have heard at least bits and pieces of the story of Our recent trials and tribulations with a FaceBookian Troll.  And thanks to all of those of you who offered your support.  Many others of you will have no earthly idea what We’re talking about, so We are chronicling the entire adventure here for posterity.



It all began last Wednesday, the day of the most recent ginormous snowfall. 


(Parenthetically (hence the parentheses), We have just learned that this has been Philadelphia’s third snowiest winter since the beginning of recorded snowy winters, the only two beating it out with more snow being 1996 and 2010, each of which contained a single snowfall of approximately three feet.) 


We posted a rare non-textsfromlastnight status update, to wit:


“Well, fuck me up against a fucking rock with a fucking sandpaper condom until I fucking scream out your fucking daddy's fucking name...the fucking snow has started to fall out of the motherfucking sky!




Said status received 12 likes and numerous responses, many also containing (unlike Our life) multiple fucks.  Unfortunately, said status also awakened something that lives under a bridge…



TROLL: You should be ashamed of yourself for such fowl language. You need to be reported for such postings. Shame on you at your age you should know better. As far as snow we have 10 inches Charlotte and it is still coming down. It is winter. Get over it.



Now, We would like to point out that We DID NOT RESPOND to this attack.  We did NOT point out that We do not speak chicken (which is what We can only assume “fowl language” is meant to convey), nor did We point out that We have met Madame Troll’s husband, and We are positive she would not know ten inches if it fell on her.  Restraint, We has it.




Alas, Troll Doll was a woman with a mission now.  Despite the fact that We Our Own Self Personally have been on the WorldWideInterWebNetz being Ourself since before she could pedal her eight-track-tape player, she was determined to seek out and take offense at anything she could.  We next discovered her on one of Our SitOnMyFaceBook events for Our Boston shows:


FAN WHO’S NOT INSANE: You look fabulous, Eric!



TROLL: You look like a Drag Queen in this photo. God Help you !!!!!



MY RESPONSE: Gee…ya think?



Grammar lovers will want to carefully note the brilliant employment of The Five Exclamation Points Of Righteous Indignation.  Meanwhile, as We said in a more private forum:



How exactly do you "look like" a drag queen? Does that randomly happen to people, all inadvertently? "Oh, thanks for telling me...I didn't know. Next time, I won't leave the house with so much LIPSTICK and EYELINER on."




Still, We did not confront Trolletta The Troll Doll head on.  Although We must confess that We DID post the following picture:



…which received 21 likes and numerous positive responses.  Undaunted, here came Trolletta, trolling, trolling, trolling on the river…




TROLL:  Eric you need to quit being so vulgar on here. What is wrong with you anyway? I know you were not raised that way. I am ashamed of you. There is nothing to like about this post at all. How could anyone in their right mind could like this kind of conduct is beyond me.



Okay, Bee-Yotch, now you’ve gone and done it…set phasers to “Stun”:




MY RESPONSE: How I was raised? HOW I WAS RAISED? Let me clarify something about that. I was raised to believe that you don't get to go into somebody else's house (or, by extension, onto SOMEBODY ELSE'S Facebook page) and tell them how they should or should not speak, behave, or act.

Now *I* have a thick skin, after years of living as a minority in a country that doesn't do as well with "all people are created equal" as it might. And trust me when I say, I don't give a good goddamn how "ashamed" of me you are. I have fought way scarier people than you for my place at the table.

But now, with your holier-than-thou "how could anyone in their right mind...", you are insulting (again, on MY Facebook page) friends of mine whom you have never met. As well as members of your own family, who also liked the post. As well as, indirectly, my mother, with your "how I was raised" digs.

Oh, and just to clarify, in the wake of your incredibly stupid post on my Starzina show invitation, I don't "look like" a drag queen, I *AM* a drag queen.

This whole thing would have been just an amusing "oh my crazy family, you'll never guess what happened now" story, if it were not for the atrocities that happened today in Kansas and Oregon. So, no, I'm NOT going to quit being vulgar, and I'm NOT going to be quiet. Because that's the way the hateful bigots win.

Oh, and, if you thought I was vulgar before? Enjoy my next post.




A FRIEND (Facetiously, subsequent to recent (unrelated) discussions of vulgarity): That's vulgar!



MY RESPONSE: Oh, honey, scroll down my page a little...this vulgarity thing rages on and on. (And what I haven't told you yet is that it's actually ADDRESSED in the Starzina script.)



ANOTHER FRIEND (Quoting the final phrase of the preceding clip): Suck my balls...



TROLL: Glad to see others do not appreciate your vulgar posts on here be it pictures or language. When are you going to grow up and like a decent human being? I am ashamed to even be related to you. Your father, brother and your grandma & Grandfather on both sides of the family have to rolling in their graves to see what you have become. Shame on you Eric !!!!



Let’s have an instant replay of that, with some possible responses (none of which We said, mind you):



TROLL: Glad to see others do not appreciate your vulgar posts on here be it pictures or language.

(And you got that from “Suck my balls”?)



When are you going to grow up and like a decent human being?

(I like a lot of decent human beings.  You don’t happen to BE a decent human being, and I don’t like you.)




 I am ashamed to even be related to you.

(Well, lookee there!  We agree on something!)




 Your father, brother and your grandma & Grandfather on both sides of the family have to rolling in their graves to see what you have become.


(She sees dead people.)



Shame on you Eric !!!!



(Oh, see, now…We’re winning her over.  There are only FOUR Exclamation Points Of Righteous Indignation.)




We, meanwhile, carried on as best We could with Our life, shattered though it was by the shaming of Angelina Troll-ie, and posted the next day’s horoscope, something We had been doing, apparently undetected by her, an average of five days a week since the beginning of 2010.  She caught Us this time, though:




(832): If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for Valentine's Day, how much would you judge me?

The One Where Starzina Gets Engaged

http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2014/02/love-is-battlefield.html




TROLL: Disgusting !!!!! To say the least.



Ah, the FIVE Exclamation Points Of Righteous Indignation are back.  Apparently, she will not be won over.



MY RESPONSE: Okay, I'm done having a battle of wits with the unarmed. Go spew your hateful bigotry elsewhere. Buh-BYE!



TROLL: What are you talking about, hateful bigotry? Just stating facts and if truth be told I am sure a lot of others feel the same way but are just afraid to say so. Have a great weekend



Isn’t it amazing how, as soon as you confront a hateful bigot about being a hateful bigot, they deny that there’s any hateful bigotry at all?  It’s just “facts” and “the truth”…that women are second-class citizens…that black people are inferior…that God hates drag queens…




Okay, We’re done…We need a bath…and perhaps some Summer’s Eve™…





Moving on,  here is what We now want you to do:




Think of all of your friends who live in, or know people who live in, or know people who know people who live in, Greater Bostonia or its environs. For example: Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, Mark Wahlberg. (Pay attention!) Now share the information in the following paragraphs with them, via SitOnMyFaceBook, or smokesignals, or autographed Calvin Klein™ underwear.  (Sorry…We forgot Ourself for a moment there.):


LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour  does Greater Bostonia!


On Friday, February 28th, We will be at Club Café in Boston:


SitOnMyFaceBook event here:  


On Monday, March 3rd, We will be at Opus Underground in Salem:


SitOnMyFaceBook event here:  


Thank you all in advance for alerting your Greater Bostonian friends.  (You ARE alerting your Greater Bostonian friends, aren’t you?  Each and every one of you has at least ONE SitOnMyFaceBook friend in Greater Bostonia…you have all been invited to these gigs, so go, say you are coming, and use the “Invite Friends” button to, ya know, invite your friends.)

 We are currently in the sign of Aquarius, the only sign of the zodiac for which there is only one Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video.  Fortunately, it doesn’t suck.


Our video (Aquarius, for you naked skimmers who aren’t paying attention) is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends
    http://youtu.be/ovOtlxcnC50


Namaste, MotherFuckers.



In gaseousness,


Starzina Starfish-Browne


(Your Your-O-Scopes:


(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.