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Friday, February 28, 2014

Time heals everything

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for FriedEgg, February 28rd , 2014.

Happy Birthday to Andrew, who turns twenty-four today, right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.  Happy Birthday also to Erin, who also turns twenty-four today, also right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.

Happy Birthday also to Our dear friend Maurice Bric A Brac.  Who lives, apparently, in Kentucky.  Because, it would seem, someone has to.  Here is Maurice in the very first e-pissode of his webseries, Please Consider Coming To My Restaurant…Or Not:

Happy Belated Birthday, meanwhile, to Greg, who turned twenty-four yesterday.  In New York.  New York, New York…The City That Doesn’t Sleep (With Us).

You will notice that We are e-pisstling an e-pissode instead of AmCracking Our way northward to The Witch City.  This is because Our Salem gig has been postponed due to Monday’s incoming Winter Storm Tituba, or whatever.  (Back in Our day, We named Winter Storms “snow”.  (On the other hand, however, We did call The Wind “Mariah”, so what the fuck did We know?))

We shall keep you apprised of when Our Salem date is rescheduled.  Because We know you care.

And now, on a completely unrelated subject, We should like to tell you about a dream We had.  Our dream was about Our friend John (hi, John!), who, in Our dream, was the same person as Neil Patrick Harris.  (For all We know, he may be the same person as Neil Patrick Harris in real life, too…lord knows, We’ve never seen the two of them together in the same room.)

John/Neil and We had just graduated from high school together.  Along with, for reasons which are unclear to Us, Our friends Sara (hi, Sara!) and Dena (hi, Dena!).  (While incomprehensible, this is not so far-fetched as it might seem.  While We did not attend high school with John, Sara, Dena, or Neil Patrick Harris, We have it on good authority that each of these people, as well as We Our Own Self Personally, turned twenty-four on his or her last birthday, so We would all have graduated from high school at the same time.)

We were all helping John/Neil pack for his move to New York.  (That being, naturally, what friends are for, despite Dionne Warwick’s absence from Our dream.)  Because, of course, John/Neil is about to star in the revival of Hedwig.

At some point during the proceedings, some annoying underclassman girl, who did NOT graduate with Us, and Sara, and Dena, and John, and Neil Patrick Harris, and whom We did NOT recognize, and who was NOT helping Us pack, said to John/Neil, “I think you should get married.  To Nancy.”

To the best of Our knowledge, there was no one named “Nancy” present, and We had no idea who this Nancy was.  That did not, naturally, stop Us from snapping, “He’s already married.”

We were about to follow up with, “To a MAN”, but We decided that was just a little too Joan-Collins-On-Dynasty. (Why that would stop Us, We haven’t got any idea, but it was a DREAM, after all.)  So We decided to amend Our retort to be “To The-Man’s-Name”.  But then We didn’t know if We should name John’s husband Stefan, or Neil Patrick Harris’s husband David.

We did, however, know it would be really, really awkward if We named the wrong one.

So We woke up.

In still other news, We are poor, so We need to sell a lot of tickets to the following:

We will be performing one night only, Thursday, March 6th, in The Walker and O'Dare Mystery Radio Hour at the Powel House.  Details here:

On Friday, March 7th, We will be performing one of the few remaining performances of Our murder mystery, Murder in Twelve Steps, which, if you haven’t seen in the past year, you probably don’t care about now.

And on Saturday, March 8th, We will be dusting off Everybody’s Favorite Messiah, Jesus H. Christ, as the WaitStaff plays The Match Game  at L’Etage:

Meanwhile, in ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopular) news, We have entered the sign of Pisces, Our most recent video for which is above.  Here is the link with which you may share it with your friends:  Because you do that, don’t you?  DON’T YOU?

And here, because We can resist no opportunity to share it, is Our FIRST Pisces video, starring Justin Bieber.  (Also, Happy Justin Bieber’s Birthday Eve.):

And here’s the HorrorScope:

Fuck this noise…it is Bernadette Peters’ birthday.  Which should be a national holiday.  So We’re taking the rest of the day off, and here’s a reading from Madame Olivia:

Greetings Starzina ~

It's nice to have you back. Welcome to Madame Olivia.

It is clear to Madame Olivia that we would all do well to simplify, simplify! Studies show that the fewer possessions we have to worry about, the happier we are. Easier said than done, but a useful guide when you're debating about a nonessential purchase and a helpful push toward getting rid of stuff. A bit of weekly weeding is a personal goal of Madame Olivia's. Just a thought.

Well, dear Aries, Madame Olivia has a thought for you. With both Neptune and little Chiron in Pisces, the spirit of connectedness is very much in the air. Is there somebody out there for whom you have good feelings, like love, or fondness, or appreciation, who would relish hearing you express those good feelings? You are generally so positive and kind that this might not occur to you, but could there be a forgotten soul out there who needs your sunlight? In MOHO (Madame Olivia's Humble Opinion) now is an excellent time to look at this and take action. The recipient will love it, especially coming from you, plus your own Personal Joy Quotient will soar.

Verb of the day: wonder

It's been a pleasure to be with you. Farewell from Madame Olivia until we meet again.

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.