Spring can really hang you up the most

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  GoodPieRupeeTuesdayWeldsCornAndWeDon’tKarenCarpenterAndYouWereALadyIsATramp…(sorry; Our needle got stuck.  (In a vein.  Pumping heroin.)), March 19, 2013.  Happy Belated Birthday to Scott, who turned twenty-four yesterday.  While We were at tech rehearsal. At 10:30.  AM.  In the morning.  For those of you in the biz who know what tech rehearsal is, We were finished AND HOME by 1:30.  Smell Us and be jealous.

(Scott, if you are reading this, it’s Kathleen’s one-woman show; see links below.)

Here is the SitOnOurFaceBook event where you can find out all about the show We’re directing, (which opens this very Thursday) Uncharted Waters (and its companion piece, Superwoman), and say you’re coming:

http://www.facebook.com/events/617567798260241/  And, because it occurs to Us that there are some non-SitOnOurFaceBook users amongst Our Gentle Readers, here is a link to the actual theatre company where the same information can be obtained:

http://diversionproductions.moonfruit.com/

In other news, We are told that Spring begins tomorrow, but We will believe it when We see it.

In still other news, here is Our capsule review of Celeste and Jesse Forever, which We watched this weekend:  in his eighteen seconds of screen time, Elijah Wood demonstrates that HE is a movie star, while the rest of these folks in this movie are…well, whatever they are.  Also, if you get a leading role in a movie, even if it’s your very first one, even if you’re eating ramen noodles and ketchup packs, and living in the trunk of somebody’s car, get your goddamn teeth whitened.  Nobody wants to look at your ugly-ass goddamn butter-colored teeth.  KThxBye.

Speaking of butter, why don’t’cha all butter up Uranus and share Our Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video for Pisces with your friends:    http://youtu.be/KMNgwWwNux8 . Tomorrow, Our Aries video will debut!

And now, in case you thought things couldn’t get worse, here is Kelli’s HorrorScope:

Oh. Our. God.  Not only is it Glenn Close’s birthday, it is also Moms Mabley’s.  We barely know whether to scratch Our watch or wind Our ass.  (Much like the “Our needle got stuck” quip from earlier, this watch-winding thing doesn’t work anymore either, as many of Our Gentle Readers will have never seen a watch that One would wind.  Sigh.  We are old.)

It’s a good day to hash out disagreements at work or nearly anywhere else. (Well, DUH.  The more hash you smoke, the less disagreeable you become.  Who didn’t know that?)

Your ability to make your case is heightened,  (Kiss Us quick, We’re Perry Mason.  (We’ll pause here, while the chirren Google “Perry Mason” on Wikipedia.))

and you should find that your adversaries come around to your side soon.  (But if We all sit on the same side, the boat will tip over.)

Your wit will be extremely fast and potent today (If you think THAT’S fast, you should see Our halfwit.)

— but that could be a mixed blessing, (Which is still better than a mixed nuts blessing, which can be very confusing.)

so be very careful about what you say and to whom you say it. (Oh, okay.  We will.  AssHat.)

Make sure that you’re only smarting off and being sassy in front of the people who know your sense of humor well.  (Okay, did anyone else just think that Sassy Smartingoff would be a really good drag queen name?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.)

Strangers will not do a good job of picking up on your sarcasm. (Fuck ‘em if they can’t take a joke.)

So going on auto-pilot is not something you should be doing today, especially when you are in a room full of important or influential people.  (What if We go on auto-erotic-pilot-light instead?)

(We are fairly certain there was an entire screenplay in that last sentence.  We are seeing Johnny Depp and Charlize Theron.  With Elijah Wood as The Beaver.)

 You may work better using the written word for the moment,  (All current evidence to the contrary.)

so take advantage of the online dating world.  (And how exactly would that differ from having a wank?)

(Sorry.)

If you find yourself in a romantic one-on-one meeting, make sure to think before you speak! (But We are the Queen of Extemporanea. (Or Norway.  One of those.))

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

It’s just a jump to the left

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for  SayerDee, December 8, 2012.  Happy Hanukkah to Chaka Khan and her friends, Happy Feast Of The Immaculate Contraption to McDonna and her immaculate contraption-feasting friends (also, eeeuuuwww), Happy Birthday to Aaron, who turns twenty-four today, and also Happy Birthday to Bryan, who also turns twenty-four today, and Happy Birthday to Ian Somerhalder, who is gorgeous, and Happy Birthday to Flip Wilson, who is dead.

Our ass is pooped, and We have Things To Do.  This blogging-every-day crap is for Lady Bird Johnson.  So as soon as We do a little housekeeping (blog-wise), We will be treating you to A Very Special Encore Presentation of last year’s Pearl Harbor Day blog.

Here, in case you missed it yesterday, is where to get tickets to Heavy Metal Dance Fag:

http://www.annenbergcenter.org/tickets/?id=265#

Here, in case you’ve missed it every day since November 25, is the link with which to share Our Sagittarius video with your friends:

http://youtu.be/6f1m5GLfk1Y

Meanwhile, this just in from Helen Keller on Twitter (Why, yes, We DO follow Helen Keller on Twitter; thanks for asking.): 

Helen Keller ‏@Helen_KelIer

That awkward moment when a guy asks me if I'm currently seeing anyone.

Helen Keller ‏@Helen_KelIer

Mom sent me to the corner store to get milk. I get back 4 days later with a carton of orange juice. FML.

Helen Keller ‏@Helen_KelIer

Beethoven was deaf. So fuck all y'all.

And now, climb into the Way-Back Machine with Us as We revisit Pearl Harbor Day 2011:

Pearl’s a singer; she stands up when she plays the piano in a nightclub

(Hmmm, We said (in 2012)…where have We heard THAT recently?)

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for HumpDay, December 7, 2011.  Why, it seems like only yesterday (because it was) that We were making pearl necklace jokes, and suddenly here it is Pearl Bailey Day.  Tyne Daly fries when you slap her son.  Seventy years ago today, a Chinese food delivery went horribly wrong, and everybody was hungry again a half an hour later.  It was a day that will limp in infancy; it was the best of times, it was the Sunday Times; Jimmy craps corn, it’s in your hair.

Hey, what do you want from Us?  We have just finished writing the script for Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: Capricorn edition.  And, as Our director/auteur/cinematographer/visionary/cameraman/muse is his own self a Capricorn, it promises to be extra special.  Or extra crispy.  Or something.  Please don’t strain yourself pretending to care, though; it’s not like you’ve broken your neck to watch this:

Or to share it with others:

http://youtu.be/e2dPKHOC8RI

And now, nice weather We’re under, no?  Here’s the HorrorScope:

Your hard work is finally starting to pay off, so kick back and see if you can get your people to celebrate with you. (We do hope that, eventually, We meet these “people” that We allegedly have, if only to chastise them for their constant inactivity on Our behalf.  To say nothing of Our bewhole.  (No, really…say NOTHING.))

It’s one of those days (Innit though?)

when your energy is better spent doing something new.  (Or something nude.  If only We weren’t writing Our fingers to the bone by day, and rehearsing Our boners to the finger by night, all to amuse YouPeople.  And do you share Our videos?  Do you buy Our tickets?  Do you tote Our barges, or lift Christian Bale?)

If at first you don’t succeed — well, you know the drill. (We’re pretty sure that’s not how that saying goes.)

But keep in mind that although this saying is trite, it’s absolutely true. (That’s why they sometimes say things are “trite but true”. (They also, although less frequently, say “this tutu’s tight”.  (Because ev’ry-thing…is bul-em-ic… at the ballet.)))

(If you are now singing that last bit in your head?  You are gay.  And not just a little bit gay, neither.  You are as gay as Paul Lynde in a pink feather boa fistf**king Charles Nelson Reilly in a lavender chiffon evening gown while Liberace’s poodle throws pansy petals at them.  At the opera.)

Perseverance is the only surefire way to get what you deserve in life. (Semi-automatic weapons are good, too.)

Ending a journey when you’re only halfway through is merely a waste of time. (Might as well just stay home, eh?)

You might have to wait longer than you want for results, but there is no way to rush destiny. (Although you might be able to rush Destiny’s Child.)

(That was a little pop culture reference, to prove that We have Our finger firmly on the pulse of pop culture.  And Moms Mabley.)

 You have to keep moving toward it, (And what was “it”, again?)

even if it turns out to be farther away than you thought.  (Well, if it’s that far off, don’t even tell Us what it is till We get there.  We’ve had enough disappointment to last a Lifetime TV Movie.)

Enthusiasm and passion are among your most fabulous traits, and now you can exercise them to their full extent.  (It is unclear whose horoscope this has suddenly become, but We’re pretty sure We’re not in Kansas any more.)

Unleash those powers of persuasion on whoever’s caught your eye. (Insert one-eyed hooker joke here.)

(Here endeth the blast from the past.  Stay tuned for another one tomorrow, as We will be in church.  (Hey, they’re new to the Holidailies™ people.))

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

B-bump O-bump R-bump E-D BORED

    

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for FryDaddyFryDay, March 16, 2012.  Happy birthday to Matt, who turns twenty-four today.  Also, thank Gawd for the WorldWideInterWebNetz, or We would never have known that today?  Is National Artichoke Day.  So be sure to stop by later so We can exchange Artichoke Day presents, then We’ll go caroling.

O-kay.  National Artichoke Day would seem to be all We’ve got. Isn’t that a fine how-do-you-do (whatever-the-hell-that-means)?

We have now tried everything We know to become inspired.  We have chosen today’s Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus I Yam Sparta-Cus (cheerful, no?), We have gotten into the WayBack Machine and looked for Last-Year-On-This-Date (there was no e-pissode that day.  Although We did come across this: http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2011/03/come-and-knock-on-our-door-weve-been.html , in which We are particularly amusing on the subject of William Shakespeare), We have had an epic poop…nothing has helped.

Sigh.  It would seem that not every day can be Justin Bieber’s birthday.  Unless One is Justin Bieber, in which case it probably can.  To test that theory, why’n’t’cha go here and look down Justin Bieber’s pants:  http://youtu.be/qqEjYYBFxG4  . Also, if you know somebody whose birthday is today, why’n’t’cha go post that link on their SitOnMyFaceBook page and brighten their day?  Not to mention Ours. And Justin Bieber’s. KThxBye.

Apparently, nobody out there has seen Spanking the Monkey.  So today We’re featuring Charlene Tilton and Justin Bieber in The Vagina Monologues.  Alternatively, the HorrorScope:

 

You need to kick it into overdrive today (Actually, We will be happy just to kick it.)

 

— your desire for success is chasing you down!  (Seriously?  What does that even mean?  No, really…read it again, very slowly, and try to figger out WTF she’s talkin’ ‘bout, Willis.)

 

(It just occurred to Us that one of the first people We ever slept with was called Willis.  This no doubt explains a great deal.)

 

You may find that you’re better off going it alone, (We are Our Own best frieeeeennnnddd…)

 

as others might ask questions or just get in the way.  (Kiss ‘em quick, they’re speed bumps.)

 

When was the last time you contemplated what your future was going to look like?  (We are guessing a cross between Totie Fields and Moms Mabley.)

 

(We’ll wait here for you youngsters to get back from Wikipedia.)

 

Visualizing what you want is not a waste of time — it’s a very smart way to plan.  (Mmm-hmmm.  Because every week, We viZZZualize what We will do when We win PowerBall™.  And every week, We win.  Oh, and shove The Secret  up your ass.  Sideways.)

 

Do not assume that because things are going a certain way now that they will continue in that direction forever.  (Well, of course they won’t silly.  Eventually, they will get much, much worse.)

 

Every day offers you an opportunity to mix things up and move things around,  (Is anybody else now singing the Hokey Pokey song?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.)

 

and today will present you with a very obvious opportunity. (To which We shall no doubt remain obtusely oblivious.)

 

Play the ‘what if’ game (What if Johnny Depp would return Our phone calls?)

 

and imagine what would happen if you grabbed your chance.  (Of all the nicknames for it, We’ve never heard it called “your chance” before.)

 

Your drive for success might (Require a car?)

 

get in the way of noticing a possible love interest.  (Or that.  On the other hand, what is it that always keeps possible love interests from noticing Us?)

 

Don’t let an overly competitive spirit ruin your chances of love in the workplace.  (In thinking of Our most recent workplaces, We would have to say…eeeeeuuuuwwww!!!)

 

Think of yourself as part of a team instead of a ruthless dictator who can’t see past the finish line. (If We were (subjunctively) a ruthless dictator, We would have to be Idi Amin, simply for the poetic nature of the name.)

 

(Okay, so when We are CLEARLY this uninspired, should We just hit the “delete” button and not have an e-pissode that day?  Discuss.)

 

 

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

Pearl’s a singer; she stands up when she plays the piano in a nightclub

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for HumpDay, December 7, 2011.  Why, it seems like only yesterday (because it was) that We were making pearl necklace jokes, and suddenly here it is Pearl Bailey Day.  Tyne Daly fries when you slap her son.  Seventy years ago today, a Chinese food delivery went horribly wrong, and everybody was hungry again a half an hour later.  It was a day that will limp in infancy; it was the best of times, it was the Sunday Times; Jimmy craps corn, it’s in your hair.

Hey, what do you want from Us?  We have just finished writing the script for Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: Capricorn edition.  And, as Our director/auteur/cinematographer/visionary/cameraman/muse is his own self a Capricorn, it promises to be extra special.  Or extra crispy.  Or something.  Please don’t strain yourself pretending to care, though; it’s not like you’ve broken your neck to watch this:

Or to share it with others:

http://youtu.be/e2dPKHOC8RI

In still other news, the WaitStaff’s Christmas show Tuesday, December 20 at 8PM at Helium Comedy Club: The Real Housewives Of South Philly Occupy Christmas… BUY. TICKETS. NOW:  https://www.seatengine.com/venue/helium-comedy-club/event/897  . 

And now, nice weather We’re under, no?  Here’s the HorrorScope:

Your hard work is finally starting to pay off, so kick back and see if you can get your people to celebrate with you. (We do hope that, eventually, We meet these “people” that We allegedly have, if only to chastise them for their constant inactivity on Our behalf.  To say nothing of Our bewhole.  (No, really…say NOTHING.))

It’s one of those days (Innit though?)

when your energy is better spent doing something new.  (Or something nude.  If only We weren’t writing Our fingers to the bone by day, and rehearsing Our boners to the finger by night, all to amuse YouPeople.  And do you share Our videos?  Do you buy Our tickets?  Do you tote Our barges, or lift Christian Bale?)

If at first you don’t succeed — well, you know the drill. (We’re pretty sure that’s not how that saying goes.)

But keep in mind that although this saying is trite, it’s absolutely true. (That’s why they sometimes say things are “trite but true”. (They also, although less frequently, say “this tutu’s tight”.  (Because ev’ry-thing…is bul-em-ic… at the ballet.)))

(If you are now singing that last bit in your head?  You are gay.  And not just a little bit gay, neither.  You are as gay as Paul Lynde in a pink feather boa fistfucking Charles Nelson Reilly in a lavender chiffon evening gown while Liberace’s poodle throws pansy petals at them.  At the opera.)

Perseverance is the only surefire way to get what you deserve in life. (Semi-automatic weapons are good, too.)

Ending a journey when you’re only halfway through is merely a waste of time. (Might as well just stay home, eh?)

You might have to wait longer than you want for results, but there is no way to rush destiny. (Although you might be able to rush Destiny’s Child.)

(That was a little pop culture reference, to prove that We have Our finger firmly on the pulse of pop culture.  And Moms Mabley.)

 You have to keep moving toward it, (And what was “it”, again?)

even if it turns out to be farther away than you thought.  (Well, if it’s that far off, don’t even tell Us what it is till We get there.  We’ve had enough disappointment to last a Lifetime TV Movie.)

Enthusiasm and passion are among your most fabulous traits, and now you can exercise them to their full extent.  (It is unclear whose horoscope this has suddenly become, but We’re pretty sure We’re not in Kansas any more.)

Unleash those powers of persuasion on whoever’s caught your eye. (Insert one-eyed hooker joke here.)

(Meanwhile, from the Erix Daily Horoscope Amazing Facts Department, every single celebrity in today's index?  Has been previously indexed here.  (Even Moms Mabley.))

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.