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Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Spring can really hang you up the most

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  GoodPieRupeeTuesdayWeldsCornAndWeDon’tKarenCarpenterAndYouWereALadyIsATramp…(sorry; Our needle got stuck.  (In a vein.  Pumping heroin.)), March 19, 2013.  Happy Belated Birthday to Scott, who turned twenty-four yesterday.  While We were at tech rehearsal. At 10:30.  AM.  In the morning.  For those of you in the biz who know what tech rehearsal is, We were finished AND HOME by 1:30.  Smell Us and be jealous.

(Scott, if you are reading this, it’s Kathleen’s one-woman show; see links below.)

Here is the SitOnOurFaceBook event where you can find out all about the show We’re directing, (which opens this very Thursday) Uncharted Waters (and its companion piece, Superwoman), and say you’re coming:  And, because it occurs to Us that there are some non-SitOnOurFaceBook users amongst Our Gentle Readers, here is a link to the actual theatre company where the same information can be obtained:

In other news, We are told that Spring begins tomorrow, but We will believe it when We see it.

In still other news, here is Our capsule review of Celeste and Jesse Forever, which We watched this weekend:  in his eighteen seconds of screen time, Elijah Wood demonstrates that HE is a movie star, while the rest of these folks in this movie are…well, whatever they are.  Also, if you get a leading role in a movie, even if it’s your very first one, even if you’re eating ramen noodles and ketchup packs, and living in the trunk of somebody’s car, get your goddamn teeth whitened.  Nobody wants to look at your ugly-ass goddamn butter-colored teeth.  KThxBye.

Speaking of butter, why don’t’cha all butter up Uranus and share Our Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video for Pisces with your friends: . Tomorrow, Our Aries video will debut!

And now, in case you thought things couldn’t get worse, here is Kelli’s HorrorScope:

Oh. Our. God.  Not only is it Glenn Close’s birthday, it is also Moms Mabley’s.  We barely know whether to scratch Our watch or wind Our ass.  (Much like the “Our needle got stuck” quip from earlier, this watch-winding thing doesn’t work anymore either, as many of Our Gentle Readers will have never seen a watch that One would wind.  Sigh.  We are old.)

It’s a good day to hash out disagreements at work or nearly anywhere else. (Well, DUH.  The more hash you smoke, the less disagreeable you become.  Who didn’t know that?)

Your ability to make your case is heightened,  (Kiss Us quick, We’re Perry Mason.  (We’ll pause here, while the chirren Google “Perry Mason” on Wikipedia.))

and you should find that your adversaries come around to your side soon.  (But if We all sit on the same side, the boat will tip over.)

Your wit will be extremely fast and potent today (If you think THAT’S fast, you should see Our halfwit.)

— but that could be a mixed blessing, (Which is still better than a mixed nuts blessing, which can be very confusing.)

so be very careful about what you say and to whom you say it. (Oh, okay.  We will.  AssHat.)

Make sure that you’re only smarting off and being sassy in front of the people who know your sense of humor well.  (Okay, did anyone else just think that Sassy Smartingoff would be a really good drag queen name?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.)

Strangers will not do a good job of picking up on your sarcasm. (Fuck ‘em if they can’t take a joke.)

So going on auto-pilot is not something you should be doing today, especially when you are in a room full of important or influential people.  (What if We go on auto-erotic-pilot-light instead?)

(We are fairly certain there was an entire screenplay in that last sentence.  We are seeing Johnny Depp and Charlize Theron.  With Elijah Wood as The Beaver.)

 You may work better using the written word for the moment,  (All current evidence to the contrary.)

so take advantage of the online dating world.  (And how exactly would that differ from having a wank?)


If you find yourself in a romantic one-on-one meeting, make sure to think before you speak! (But We are the Queen of Extemporanea. (Or Norway.  One of those.))

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.