Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for WinesDay, March 27, 2013. Happy Hump Day, YouPeople.
Our email would like Us to know that “You could receive up to $6000 worth of laser hair removal FREE!” Is that a lot? We have no idea…naturally, $6000 is a lot, but We have no earthly concept of how many unsightly hairs there are. Let’s say that’s six thousand hairs, at one dollar per…what if that only finishes off one leg, and they’re like “Okay, cough up $6000 for the other leg!” There are really only so many places that One can appropriately wear Angelina Jolie’s 2012 Oscar™ gown.
In other news, speaking of Hump Day, We have decided that Our new fast track to fame and fortune involves Our leaking a sex tape. Now, We just need to have Us some sex. Which is gonna be extra-complicated, what with this one smooth leg and one hairy one. Somebody get Brad Pitt on the phone…
On the subject of sexual confusion, it has come to Our (somewhat limited) attention that there is a member of the British boy band One Direction who looks EXACTLY like a Jonas Brother. Of all the times NOT to have Attention Deficit Disorder…
How many of all y’all are now picturing Us in Angelina Jolie’s 2012 Oscar™ gown, in between Brad Pitt and a random Jonas Brother, making a leaky sex tape? We are so very, very sorry.
As you can see, We got nothin’. So here is the link with which you would share Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: Aries video with your friends, enemies, frenemies, enemists, and frenulums, if you were so inclined:
Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is last year’s Aries video, featuring Our mother, Rosie Starfish, for comparison:
And now, in case you thought things couldn’t get worse, here is Kelli’s HorrorScope:
Speaking of one hairy leg and one smooth one, it is Gloria Swanson’s birthday. She invented the Swanson™ TV Dinner. We had faces then. And they seated five.
Try to take care of other people first today (Okay. Hi there…which Jonas Brother are YOU?)
— your own needs can wait, (We’re pretty sure that, as long as We can manage to stay in between Brad Pitt and this Jonas Brother, Our needs will be met just fine, ThankYouVeryMuch.)
(Apropos of nothing, we were reading an old book last night (you didn’t know We could read, did you? Shocking, we know.), and it occurred to Us that, much as no one names their baby Adolf any more (for obvious reasons), no one names their baby Jemima, neither. Wussup wit dat?)
(We ARE big. It’s the pixels that got small.)
and your energy is just better directed outward. (So you are saying that that would be energy efficient? Because We are nothing if not green. Even though it isn’t easy.)
(It’s like somebody ate a case of Skittles™ and projectile-vomited a whole bunch of pop culture up in here, innit?)
It’s a good time to rack up karma so you can move ahead more quickly later! (We do not buy Our karma off the rack.)
Are you a little bit nervous about meeting someone new or starting a new venture today? (All We want to know is, do We put Brad Pitt on the side with the smooth leg, or the hairy one?)
As soon as you shake hands with a key new person in today’s adventure, you will be able to feel right at ease. (Give Us your paw, Jemima Jonas.)
(See how all the threads eventually weave together? It’s like a muthafuggin’ tapestry up in heah.)
Look into their eyes, (Did anybody else read that with a Dracula accent? Just Us? Alrighty, then.)
and you will know that everything is going to work out fine. (It just occurred to Us that we cannot name a single Jonas Brothers song. And We’re pretty much okay with that.)
Yes, seeing is believing (Also, peeing is relieving.)
— and it is also reassuring. (Ya know what’s reassuring, speaking of peeing? Spending time with people who actually WOULD pee on One if One were (subjunctively) on fi-yah.)
(Does anybody else smell something odd?)
As you ramp up that romantic roaming, (Always actively avoid alliteration. Asshat.)
think about the good you can do for others. (Mmm-hmm. We gonna have Brad Pitt’s baby. Enough of this adoption nonsense.)
Give altruism and Cupid equal time right now. (Ah, yes, it’s time for the old Cupid stunts trick.)
The universe will look kindly on your generosity, (Yeah. Because The Universe is so big on kindliness.)
so volunteer your time. (How ‘bout We just volunteer Our timepiece instead? Here’s a fuckin’ eggtimer; let’s call it even, Jemima.)
(You just KNOW We’re gonna get stuck with the UGLIEST Jonas Brother.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.