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Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Let’s have a kiki

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  Wednesday, March 6nd, 2013.  Happy Hump Day, to all those who are having a hump.  And Happy Snow Day, to all those who are having a snow.  We Our Own Self personally appear to have had a little rain, but are currently not having anything at all.  And it’s supposed to be in the fifties by the weekend, so whatever We do have, We shan’t have for very long.

Story of Our life, that.

So didja miss Us?  Oh, listen…Our Gentle Readers have hired the Mormon TaberCricket Choir!  Yesterday was Our 10:30AM rehearsal day.  That was supposed to be followed by the shooting of Our next Time of the Month Horoscope  video, which has now been rescheduled for Thursday.  Today, We have a student fillum audition and murder mystery rehearsal, then tomorrow Uncharted Waters rehearsal and the aforementioned video shoot.

How DO We keep Our toilet bowl clean between scrubbings?

Speaking of Uncharted Waters, pursuant to that endeavor, OurHouseWhereWeLive currently contains a mismatched pair of come-fuck-me-pumps (no surprise there), a WonderBra™ (ditto), and one of those things in which One carries a baby.  (No, NOT a uterus…the OTHER thing.)

(Future American literature doctoral candidates who are poring over these e-pisstles for their dissertations will want to note that this is the first-ever occurrence of the word “uterus” in an Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!  You’re welcome.)

Here is the SitOnOurFaceBook event where you can find out all about Uncharted Waters (and its companion piece, Superwoman), and say you’re coming:

Happy Belated Birthday, meanwhile, to Rene, who turned twenty-four yesterday.  Also, Happy Belated Birthday to Jess, and to Floyd, and to Erik, and to Steve, and to Tom, each of whom also turned twenty-four yesterday.

As We said in ToozDee’s e-pisstle:

“Wow.  That’s a lot of twenty-four-year-olds.  1989 must have been The Chinese Year Of The Boink. (That there was a little Chinese joke, for Our Chinese readers.  “Boink” being Chinese for “str8 people fucking in the missionary position and making babies”.)

Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!:  a multi-cultural experience.”

We realize now that that was erroneous.  Also in error, mistaken, and wrong.  For all of these twenty-four-year-olds to have been born in March, 1989, 1988 would have had to have been the Chinese Year Of The Boink.  Chinese is confusing.  Fortunately, everything clears up half an hour later.

Speaking of boinking and Chinamen, We have released Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video for Pisces, which see above.  Here is the link with which you would share same with your friends, both Piscean and otherwise: .

So this dyslexic guy walks into a bra…

Here are the HorrorScopes:

It is Kiki Dee’s birthday, and, really, no matter how gloomy the weather, doesn’t the day just brighten up a little bit when you say “Kiki Dee”?

(Loving Our callbacks-that-tie-all-the-threads-together as We do, We are currently struggling to create a joke involving Chinese fire drills and Kiki Dee’s uterus.  Fortunately for YouPeople, We are failing.)

Try to slow down today (Seriously?  Because OH, the places We’ve gots to go!)

— things aren’t going your way, (This is somehow news?)

but speeding through this phase (It’s a phase?  Really?  How long a phase is it?)

 just makes it all worse for you. (And again We say, this is somehow news?)

Someone close needs you to explain something, (What?  A Chinese fire drill, or Kiki Dee’s uterus?)

so focus on that.  (No, thank you.)

There will be quite a few opportunities to have fun today, (Actually, yes.  Yes, there will.  We have an audition, but We don’t really care whether We get the part or not.  And the people in the murder mystery are a fun group.  Also, in between the two, We shall probably kill some time shopping in town, as it would make no sense to come home.  Of course, One Person Alone can’t accomplish a Chinese fire drill, but, hey, ya can’t have everything.)

(This just in:  tonight’s rehearsal has been cancelled, due to potential weather.  Consequently, We shall just go to Drexel for Our audition and back.   Said rehearsal served its purpose by getting said audition moved from 7 to 4 o’clock.  If We were (subjunctively) Charlie Sheen, this would be the point at which We would say “WINNING!”  (Of course, if We were (subjunctively) Charlie Sheen, what We would say at this point would be the least of Our problems.  Also, We would probably not know the word “subjunctively”.))

but one of them might require you to have fun at someone else’s expense.  (You say that as though it were (subjunctively) a bad thing…?)

You will get no joy knowing that someone else is missing out, (Sorry…have you met Us?)

so make sure you know the political circumstances of any new activities before you join in on them. (If there are going to be politics, We’re going home.)

Choose wisely. (You didn’t call Us “Glasshoppah”.  Stupid Chinaman.  Chinawoman.  Chinaperson.   Whatever.)

If you take advantage of other people, you’ll end up being the person who feels used.  (But if that were (subjunctively) true, people wouldn’t do it so much, riiiight?)

Stand up for the people who might not be strong enough to stand up by themselves.  (Where the hell’s the fun in THAT?)

There’s more than one right way to date, mate and relate. (She left out “ejaculate”.  Maybe it had too many syllables.)

Acknowledge all the possibilities and you’ll feel the pressure start to ease.  (Hey, that rhymed!  Kelli, you are a poet, but you are unaware of it.)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.