Marry me a little

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for ThurstonHowellTheThursday, June 27, 2013.  Happy Birthday to Michael, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.  Also, Happy Birthday to Nick, who turns not-quite-twenty-four today in, We shit you not, Bath.  Insert “baby with the bathwater” joke here.

Is it just Us, or has there been a sudden upturn here at Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! in the number of Birthday-Havers who are less than twenty-four?  This would seem, somehow, to be counter-intuitive, but We really don’t care to dwell.

Speaking of not caring to dwell, in a fit of ennui last night, We watched the premiere of this season’s Big Brother.  We are fairly certain We didn’t get hooked, but if We start making regular reports, please stage an intervention.  KThxBye.

In other news, do these right-wingnut anti-equality bigots who are riding the waaaaambulance after yesterday’s SCOTUS ruling not realize that they are the exact same folks that are in the pictures from the 50s and 60s, protesting desegregation and harassing that little black girl who was trying to go to school?  Dear Mike Huckabee:  Jesus didn’t weep.  You don’t fucking KNOW Jesus PERSONALLY, you fucking poor excuse for a shitstain.  Shut your fucking piehole and evolve or go extinct.  Sincerely, The Human Race.

We would like to pause for a moment, before We continue on another subject, to apologize for Our insensitivity in the last paragraph.  It was not Our intention to insult shitstains.

Moving on…

We know you will be shocked, yes, shocked, as were We, to learn that We did not receive a single marriage proposal yesterday.  And here We are, with a trousseau full of freshly-embroidered Tuesday panties and a brand new lemur costume.

In other news, as you can see,  Our latest video, Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: CANCER 2013 is above.  

If you’ve been paying attention (oh, relax; We know you haven’t), you will note that this is the fourth installment in a (so far) four e-pissode story arc.  Because We’re a writer like that, and stuff.

We would like you to take this link to said video   http://youtu.be/e-EpBAfem_M and email it to your friends.  Or put it on their SitOnMyFacebook pages.  Or, if they are having a Cancer birthday, wish them a happy birthday with it.  Seriously, people…is this so difficult?

And here is the HorrorScope:

Speaking of weddings, if you plan to wed while wearing Vera Wang, you might want to wish her a Happy Birthday today.  (That was an awful lot of Ws, no?)  Also, it is a very special day here at Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!:  it is Helen Keller’s birthday!   So HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HELEN KELLER!!!!! (We had to shout, so she would hear Us.  Because not only is she deaf, she’s also dead.)

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

You reap what you sow, (So what are We, a fucking FARMER now?)

and today shows the world exactly what you’ve sown. (We neither sow nor sew.  We toil not, neither do We spin.  And We’re not even quite sure what Zumba actually is.)

(So are We clear now?)

If you’ve been good lately, it’s sure to be a terrific day. (When We are good, We are very, very good, but when We are bad We are better.)

If you’ve neglected your karma, expect some speed bumps.  (That’s not a speed bump, it’s a chameleon.  Oh Our God, you’ve run over Our chameleon!)

You just have to spill the beans to someone, or you’ll burst. (“Sow”?  “Reap”?  “Beans”?  What the fuck is this, Green Acres?  Kiss Us quick, We’re Eva Gabor.  Olivah!  OLIVAH!)

The problem is, you’re not quite sure who you should be telling your secret to. (Well, the answer would be “no one”, if it’s supposed to remain a secret.  Duh.)

Until you’re sure, you had better hang on to it. (We shall put it in Our Tuesday panties.  With the cobwebs.  And the dustbunnies.  And the nametag that says “Miss Havisham”.)

A friend that you halfheartedly opt  (What a rude thing to do!)

to confide in may have an agenda you’re not aware of — involving you, in far more than a friendly way. (Wow.  Doesn’t THAT sound murky?)

See? (Seahorses?  Seashells?  C minus?  (Hmmm…it would appear that joke only works orally.  Or aurally.  Whatever…it’s a non-anal joke.)

Keeping quiet might be best.  (OKAY, HELEN KELLER!)

Don’t take it too personally when that move doesn’t get noticed or that message doesn’t get answered.   (Personally?  It is Our life story.)

It’s all in the timing today, and your energy may be interfering. (What does that even mean?)

Try to make it all about relaxation.  (Or Exlax™ation.  (Ooops…somehow, We got back to shitstains again.))

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

The nicest girl ashore is Singapore Sue

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for WeenzDay, September 5, 2012.  It is clearly not Hump Day, as immediately following Eva Gabor Day weekend, all y’all had yesterday off for Beyoncé ‘s birthday.  Poor Dweezil Zappa, celebrating his birthday the day after hers, when y’all have to go back to work.  Also, poor Dweezil Zappa, being a grown man named “Dweezil”.  Also “Zappa”.

Yeah, clearly We got nothin’. Apparently, the WaitStaff has received some lovely press in today’s Philadelphia Weekly; unfortunately, the online version of same is still last week’s e-dition.  How the hell does THAT work, people?

We shall keep an eye out (insert one-eyed hooker joke here) to see if that changes by the time We publish this.  We are dawdling over today’s e-pissode, as (A.) We clearly have nothing to say (seriously…an Eva Gabor joke AND a Dweezil Zappa joke?  In the same paragraph?)  and (2.) immediately following today’s publication, We have to write a detailed report containing absolutely no details about a production that may or may not happen six weeks from now, with no idea what personnel or resources will be available, and still appear as though We have been Crystal Clear.  Or possibly Krystle Carrington.  It’s not unlike being back at the EAC, except We can do it in Our very own kitchen.  You will just have to imagine that We are dressed as Krystle Carrington, though.  No way are We putting on shoulder pads and a peplum before noon.

Meanwhile, is anyone else alarmed by the fact that We apparently have an entire brain cell devoted to remembering how Krystle Carrington’s first name was spelled?

(In other news, Our diligence has paid off…here ya go, the article in question: http://www.philadelphiaweekly.com/arts-and-culture/stage/funky_four_plus_one_more-168536276.html   You’re welcome.)

Here is the link to Our Groovy Reader of the Month article, in case you were too busy licking birthday cake off of Beyoncé  to notice earlier in the week: http://marcharshbarger.blogspot.com/2012/09/groovy-reader-of-month-eric-singel.html

(And yes, We DO actually type “Beyonc café” to obtain the little accent gizmo.)

Also, of course, this coming Friday is the opening of the Philadelphia Fringe Festival, and, coincidentally, the opening of the WaitStaff’s The Real Housewives of South Philly Play The Match Game! , for which you will obtain your tickets here: http://livearts-fringe.ticketleap.com/real-housewives-of-south-philly-play-match-game/#view=calendar

Here is last year’s Virgo video, just in case you prefer a bit of naked angel with your morning horoscope:

Here’s the HorrorScope:

Kelli, meanwhile, would like Us to know that it is Idris Elba’s birthday.  Who or what is an Idris Elba?  (We just Googled him on Wikipedia; We still have no idea.  We are thinking perhaps someone made him up so Dweezil Zappa could feel better about his name.)

You need to look very carefully today (Why?  Are We hunting wabbits?)

— things just aren’t as smooth as you thought they were, and it could be that you need to deal with an obstacle that arises quite suddenly.  (Ya know, if you read that last bit just right, it’s really, really dirty.)

(Not that there’s anything wrong with that.)

(We just accidentally typed “wrong” without the W.  It looked like a Chinese phone book in here.)

(We also occidentally typed it.  Because We are a cunning linguist.)

Any problems that pop up will be easy to identify — and easy to solve. (That would seem to contradict what you said in the first part.  (Why are We not surprised?))

You are in charge here, (Don’t let the dustbunnies hear you say that.)

so do not let anyone rush you.  (Oh, trust Us, We won’t.  We are totally not looking forward to Our next task.)

Your insight is the most valuable possession you will ever have, (How sad for Us.)

so cherish it and exercise it like you would exercise any other muscle.  (Zzzzzzzz….)

Listen to your gut when it comes to any business or financial dealings today.  (Was that a fat joke?)

Any contracts put in front of you today will have some mighty small type — and you’d better read every single word. (Um, We are Krystle Carrington…doesn’t Our husband read the contracts?)

Some moody business is added to the mix today, so get ready. (We told you yesterday…We don’t have periods any more.)

New people are interested in you romantically, (Well, where are these new people?)

 but you may feel like you just want what’s familiar and easy. (Oh, please.  We will take what We can get.)

Find some kind of middle ground. (Don’t tell Us what to do.)

 

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

Memories light the corners of my mind

  Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Monday, May 30, 2011.  Happy belated birthday to Deb, who turned twenty-four on Friday.  And happy birthday to Josh, who turns twenty-four today.  And happy Memorial Day to Our readers who remember stuff.  Unlike Our Own Self, who has a mind like a steel sieve.  We just popped in to see what condition Our condition was in, and to say “hello”, as We realized that We gave you short shrift last week.  Although We would assume that a short shrift would be better than no shrift at all, if, of course We had any idea what the hell is a “shrift”.

Said less-lengthy-than-usual shrift (it occurs to Us that there was a boy in Our high school whose last name was Shrift.  We have no recollection whatsoever about the lengthiness of his shrift, or the lack thereof) was due to a visit from The Sainted Mother, which began on Thursday.   We spent some of her time here touring historical stuff.  Of which there is, of course, an abundance in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.  And that’s not even counting Us Our Own Self Personally.  We are most definitely Historical Stuff, although We haven’t been toured in what seems like decades.

Once again, Our shrift appears to have shrunk.  The next two weeks are going to be crazy-busy, with several deadlines whizzing at Us like whizzy things that whizz.  Capped off with jury duty, because apparently We didn’t scream “Off with their heads!” loudly enough the LAST time We had jury duty.  However, at some point in that two-week period, there will occur a Very Important Announcement, which will no doubt cause your shrifts to swell with excitement.

In the meantime, please get your tickets NOW for The WaitStaff’s Real Housewives of South Philly  at Helium Comedy Club at 8PM  Wednesday, June 1th:  https://www.seatengine.com/venue/helium-comedy-club/event/471

Also, PLEASE:

Watch Our video.

Like Our video.

Favorite Our video.

Share Our video with your friends.  If you have any.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YBwdacfn2Vk

Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist)s of the world, unite!

Kick back (If they kick Us, We will assuredly kick them back.)

and enjoy the fruits of your labors today (To say nothing of Our Fruit-of-the-Looms™.  Also, Jacqueline Bissett, the fruit of Our womb, Jeebus.)

(It’s a holiday; leave Us alone.)

— even if it feels as if you need to keep working. (Oh, please.  Just trying to purchase the winning PowerBall™ ticket is a full-time jawb.)

It’s far better for you to let today move at its own pace, and take care to appreciate the small things.  (Are you mocking Our shrift?  Fu(king size queen.)

A big test of your patience will come in the form of a rather demanding person today. (Okay, We?  Are an Aries.  If Our patience has to take a test, it will fail.  It did not study, the dog ate its homework, and it has ADD.)

But don’t worry (Sorry…what?)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

— the universe has loaded you up (Was that a fat joke?  (Could the gargantuan size of Our ass possibly make up for Our short shrift?))

with an extra supply of tolerance, (Oh, great. So now We have to shoot up twice as much heroin.)

so you will be prepared for whatever comes your way. (Which will, naturally, be nothing.  As usual.)

None of your feathers can get ruffled right now, (It is NOON, fercrissakes.  That is FAR too early for a boa, unless you are Eva Gabor. And, last We checked, We were not Eva Gabor.  (Although, come to think of it, We didn’t test for Zsa Zsa.)))

so it might be the perfect time (Yeah.  Because “Our life” and “the perfect time” so frequently go together.)

to have that conversation you’ve been putting off with a relative. (We realize that We lost most of you back at “test for Zsa Zsa”.  Because who could ever possibly imagine what a “test for Zsa Zsa” would be?  Certainly not Us.  And Our imagination, she is fertile.  Though Our shrift is short.)

Your criticism shields are nearly impenetrable, so a long lecture is something you’ll be able to tolerate easily today.  (Ya know what would be better, though?  No lecture at all.)

Your unique perspective inspires those around you to be more creative in their everyday activities. (Of course it does.  Just look at all those “So-and-So’s Daily Horoscopes” springing up, like upspringy things that spring up in the Spring..)

Use this ability to influence people to your best advantage. (Back in the day, We were a “Disturbing Influence”.  We should probably get a T-shirt made.)

Spend time with someone you like so they can find a new way to be. (How does “at Our beck and call” strike you?)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

*****************************************************************************  

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.