Showing posts with label Charlotte Bronte. Show all posts

Monday, April 21, 2014

Hold me closer, Tony Danza

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherManiacalManEatingManateeMonday, April 21^rd , 2014.

Happy Birthday to Michael, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles. Also, Happy Birthday to Suzy, who also turns twenty-four today. In Virginia. (About which We seem to have no jokes. (We have plenty of West Virginia jokes, in case you were considering moving for next year.))

Happy Belated Birthday, meanwhile, to Beck, Jasmine, Marilyn, Nancy, Nima, Sara, Steve, and Tim, each of whom turned twenty-four somewhere in the universe sometime since Friday.

dragaholicnews?page=3 )

We are hovering around the middle-to-lower end of the pack, which means We have about as much chance of turning up on television as We do of being mistakenly crowned Queen of Norway. But We thought We should let you know, as it might amuse you. And also because We’d really like to know how We got there. (No, we did not submit Our Own Self.)

Meanwhile, those of you who have been around Us personally since around the beginning of April or so may have noticed that We have been a wee tad flakier than usual. (Kiss Us quick, We’re a Frawnch pastry. (Napoleon. Napoleon Blownapart. (You DID say that just like “Bond. James Bond”, didn’t you? ‘Cause, if not, We’ll wait while you go back.)))

Turns out, The Sainted Mother spent most of that time consorting with the medical community, who wanted to remove her gizzard.

Now, gizzardectomies are usually done on women in their forties, so imagine Our surprise to learn that The Sainted Mother, who is twenty-four (much like Our Own Self), was going to have one! (Where is the time machine? It’s in the credenza. Where is the credenza? It’s in the time machine.)

Turns out also, there are two different ways to do a gizzardectomy: an easy way, and a hard way. It will come as no surprise to anyone who knows Us that, in Our family, We tend to do things the hard way. Also, the doctors claimed they had to do it the hard way, because her gizzard was inflamed, and thus too large to come out the easy way. (Again, no surprise in Our family…We tend to get inflamed when people try to take stuff from Us. (We also, in Our family, tend to run to Large Organs…why, Our Great Uncle Mortimer once had a harmonium that was so large, it couldn’t be squeezed the whole way into his parlor.))

(Did that sound dirty to you? Because it sounded dirty to Us. (And We can only imagine how it would sound to Great-Uncle Mortimer. (If the children hadn’t hidden his ear trumpet again.)))

At any rate, The Sainted Mother has now given up her gizzard, and is recuperating comfortably at HerHouseWhereSheLives. So We are back to being Our ever-vigilant Self, and won’t be distracted any time soo…oh, look, a balloon!

(How many of you are now picturing Great Uncle Mortimer with his ear trumpet?)

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In still other news, please Save The Dates for Thursday, May 8^th, for the next installment of The Walker and O’Dare Radio Mystery Hour at the Powel House, and Saturday, May 10^th, as the WaitStaff will be playing The Mother of All Match Games at L’Etage. More on that story as it develops, but inside sources tell Us that Jesus H. Christ’s celebrity chair will be taken by His Mother, Mrs. Mary MotherOfGod! You won’t want to miss THAT!

We suddenly find Ourselves (not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the sign of Taurus, Our video for which is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends:

http://youtu.be/iGNw4zF7MSs

Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Taurus video, which is somewhat of a fillum noir, if you will. (Or even if you won’t…since when is it all about you?):

And here’s the HorrorScope:

Today’s celebrity birthdays are boring (Tony Danza? Charlotte Bronte?), so here, courtesy of Doug, are yesterday’s: Happy birthday George Takei, Adolf Hitler, Crispin Glover and Columbine massacre.

In the interests of time management, in lieu of a call-and-response with the AssHatted Kelli, here is a reading from Madame Olivia:

Greetings Starzina ~

It's nice to have you back. Welcome to Madame Olivia.

Madame Olivia has a timely tip for you: a good model for communicating something difficult (like no or a refusal) is the oreo cookie: start with a chocolate positive; then deliver the dreaded no or whatever the hard-to-say creme thing is; and end with another chocolate positive. An example might be "It's great to hear from you. Unfortunately, all my waking hours are currently tied up with moving so I don't have time for a latte. But thank you for thinking of me!" Resist the urge to add "but let's do it soon" because that leaves the door open for a future invitation you'll have to deal with again. This really works.

Aries, this is a great time to let yourself be driven by your inner passions without restraint. Or guilt! If anybody has a problem with your moving forward, let such a one speak up. You can't always tailor your actions to suit your audience; sometimes you have to go for it. Like now.

Take care with a particular canine

It is time to take our leave for now. Madame Olivia wishes you Bon courage! See you next time.

(Heh. "See you next time." See what she did there?)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

Monday, October 7, 2013

I love a piano

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherManDickMonday, October 7^st, 2013.

Happy Birthday to Brainard, who turns twenty-four today. In New York. New York, New York, that is. Like the song:

Start spreading your legs…

You know the one.

Also, Happy Birthday to Kevin, who also turns twenty-four today, somewhere in the Pennsylvanian hinterlands called “Center Valley”. Which is, oddly, not at all in the center.

We have seen Kevin naked. Repeatedly.

We thought it important to put that out there, in keeping with JustAnotherManDickMonday.

In fact, We are picturing Kevin naked right now.

Don’t smirk…now We’re moving on to picturing the rest of Our Gentle Readers whom We’ve seen naked.

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Heh. We put a row of stars there, just like a Victorian novelist. Kiss Us quick, We’re Jane Austen’s stepsister, Charlotte Bronte Saurus.

But We’re not done with birthdays yet. (Be afraid, be very afraid.) Happy Belated Birthday to Bonnie, who turned twenty-four over the weekend, and also to Melissa, who also turned twenty-four over the weekend. Both of them did that right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles, thus sparing you any further geographical witticisms.

None of the aforementioned birthday celebrants have anything to do with Our upcoming show. (Although you can never tell at what point during said show We might start picturing Kevin naked.) Have We neglected so far to mention Our show, which We are remounting (ooooohhhh!)?

LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour, the best-kept secret of the 2013 Philadelphia Fringe Festival, will be performed for one night only, Sunday, October 13 at 7:30 at L’Etage, so that everyone who was too busy Fringing can have a chance to see it. Getcher tickets here:

http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/478137

In other news, We watched, over the weekend, the Liberace biopic Behind the Candelabra, and were very disheartened to realize that no one called Us when a job became available applying fake tanline makeup to Matt Damon’s ass. Also, We failed to see all this “bravery” they were all so busy congratulating themselves about in the behind-the-scenes. Yes, when One is acting, One often has to kiss someone One is not in love with, and may not even like, and convince One’s audience that One is in love with that person. That’s why it’s called “acting”. Shut up, Michael Douglas.

And here is the HorrorScope:

In celebrity birthday news, there is apparently a baseball player called EvaN Longoria. How weird izzat?

Apropos of nothing, this:

Your emotional side is causing some friction today, but it’s nothing too dramatic. (And just why not, We’d like to know?)

You may just have to cope with some stray baggage that you thought you had checked long ago. (That’s one o’ them metaphor thingies, innit? A really boring one, We might add.)

(We’re just gonna sit here and picture Kevin naked until she changes the subject.)

There are going to be a lot of different emotions swarming around inside of your heart today, (EEeeeeuuuuwwww!!!!)

which could cause you so much confusion that you might get frustrated. (Gee, ya think?)

But the problem isn’t your feelings, it’s your attitude. (Also, it’s not so much the heat, as it is the stupidity.)

Instead of feeling so many feelings, move them up to your brain — and start thinking them through. Take each emotion one at a time, and just try to identify what you are feeling. Once you do, you will be able to find the cause — and then eventually find the cure. (See, now, (A.) that sounds an awful lot like work and (2.) that’s gonna take up a lot of “picturing Kevin naked” time.)

You can tell that your love life isn’t working out at the moment, but you’re not quite sure how to change. (Um, We’re thinking “get a love life” might be a start?)

Contrast the payoffs you get from your current situation with the benefits you’d get from your ideal match. (Again, too much like work.)

(Kevin naked. THERE ya go.)

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

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Friday, January 13, 2012

And the mailman won the lottery

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for FridayTheThirteenth, January 13, 2012. Oooohhh, scaaaary, kidz! Long-term Erix Daily Horoscope readers will recall that the first Friday the Thirteenth of every year is always dedicated around these parts to Kevin Bacon’s ass, which was first seen in a fillum by that name many moons (heh) ago. (Actually, his ass had no doubt been seen prior to that fillum, but that was its first (of many) appearance(s) on The Big Screen. (It is not often that We are thankful that We are not a famous movie star, but the contemplation of someone plastering Our ass across The Big Screen is almost enough to make Us so. (Where they would find A Big Screen big enough is a mystery to Us. Possibly on one of the moons of Uranus…)))

But enough of this high-brow humor. Happy birthday to John, who turns twenty-four today all the way out in San Francisco. Where, in a tragic display of early-onset Alzheimer’s, Tony Bennett left his heart. John was married prior to his arrival in said city, or We would most assuredly be able to ask him, if you get married in San Francisco, do they throw Rice-A-Roni™? And, if so, is it a treat?

Now, of course, We’re just showing off for company. So on to the reason We have company in the first place. One of Our ex-son-in-laws…ex-sons-in-law? (Is it just Us, or does that look as though We’re trying to spell something out phonetically…”Exxon-in-slaw”…) This guy who used to bang Our daughter…

Let’S start over…

The author of the blog p squared to the nth ( http://psquaredtothenth.blogspot.com/ ), with whom We are personally acquainted (that sounds even murkier, dunnit? We try and try to sound like Jane Austen or one of the Bronte sisters, and yet everything We write sounds like it should start out “There once was a man from Nantucket…” Sigh.) has nominated Us Our Own Self Personally for the prestigious Liebster Blog Award.

Now, We know what you’re thinking. (Oh, yes, We do; We’re psychic.) You’re thinking, “First of all, ‘Liebster Blog Award’ doesn’t rhyme with ‘Nantucket’. And (B.), what the hell is a Liebster Blog Award?”

We are so glad you asked.

[Begin cut and paste]

Liebster is a German word that means dearest, and this award is given to bloggers with less than 200 followers who deserve more recognition.

Here are the rules:

1. Thank your Liebster Blog Award presenter on your blog.

2. Link back to the blogger who awarded you.

3. Give your top 5 picks for the award.

4. Inform your top 5 by leaving a comment on their blogs.

5. Post the award on your blog.

[End cut and paste]

(The cut-and-paste tags are Petr’s, not Ours, so We feel comfortable picking the nit that says it should be “FEWER than 200 followers”, not “less than”.)

So first of all, thank you, Petr, for bestowing this honor upon Us, and for reminding Us that, even when We don’t know they’re there, people are reading Our e-pistles. And in fact, Our Google-O-Meter™ informs Us that We have already had visitors who got here by way of the link on Petr’s blog. Frequent topics on psquared to the nth include tennis, American Idol, and recovery (not usually all in the same installment), and here is that link again: http://psquaredtothenth.blogspot.com/

Now, of course, in Our effort to pay it forward, We run into a similar problem to Petr’s. We read a lot of well-known big-deal bloggers (Joe.My.God, Kenneth in the (212)), but very few small little-known folks, and many of those seem to have dried up entirely and never update. Which, We imagine, is part of the point of this award. So We don’t have five nominees, but, as Petr said when accepting his award, we shall strive to find Our missing three, and update you when We do.

NOMINEE NUMBER ONE: This one was simplicity itself. If you come to Erix Daily Horoscope for the astrology, you are no doubt sorely disappointed. If you want someone who actually knows where Uranus is at any given moment (and, more to the point, knows what to do with Uranus once he finds it), you want to be following AstroGeek’s SkyWatch: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/

NOMINEE NUMBER B: This nominee does not technically qualify, as she has far more than 200 followers. However, We suspect that she will be far better equipped to come up with her own five nominees than We are, so, in the interest of paying it forward in a way that actually pays it forward, We give you VodkaMom: http://www.vodkamom.com/ , whose tales of being a newly-single kindergarten teacher never fail to amuse. (Parenthetically (hence the parentheses), there are those who don’t believe that We would be entertained by stories about adorable little moppets in kindergarten because We don’t like children. This is patently untrue. We like children as much as the next person, as long as they are lightly sautéed and served with a nice Béarnaise sauce.)

There. As soon as We are through here, We shall go inform Our nominees. And We promise to be Sally Cato on a hunt for three more deserving denizens of Bloggonia.

(How polite of you all to just let that Sally Cato reference slide by.)

Meanwhile, if you’re new here, go watch this:

And share it with all your friends:

http://youtu.be/qQ4zUrLmBPg

And check out the other videos at: http://www.youtube.com/user/RickinPhilly?feature=mhee

This is where We would generally have a random Charlene Tilton reference. However, in honor of Petr, today We shall have a random Kelly Clarkson reference. Followed by The HorrorScope:

You should do whatever you can to stick to your routines today (Mmm-hmm. Like anyone wants to see Us twirl a baton.)

— otherwise, you may find that your energy is spent on putting out fires or otherwise wasted. (It is unclear to Us how exactly putting out a fire can be construed as wasting energy. Asshat.)

Sometimes boredom is an asset! (You say “asset” and We say “asshat”; you say “potato” and we say “shut the front door”. (What a stupid song.))

Just because you have to deal with mundane responsibilities doesn’t mean you can’t have fun while you do it! (Yeah. Because nothing says “fun” like some mundane responsibilities.)

Let your creativity guide you today, and you will easily come up with fun combinations, unusual arrangements and intriguing ideas that will help the day go faster. (Coming up with all those things sounds an awful lot like work…can’t We just hire somebody?)

A simple thing like eating lunch a bit later will help to break up your tasks into more-interesting chunks. (Does anyone have any idea whatsoever what the hell this bitch is nattering on about? Jeebus Cripes, We’ve got COMPANY in here today, and THIS is the boring ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopulation) you’re dishing out? “Eat lunch a little later”? Yeah, maybe We’ll put an extra ice cube in Our Kool-Aid™ while We’re at it. Yippee-kai-yi-fuckin’yay.)

Plus, a revised schedule will help you see something that you’ve been missing. (Zzzzzzzzz…)

Getting the feeling no one is grasping the urgency of your current situation? (Hey, you’re the idiot who said putting out fires was a waste of energy. How about We set your hair on fire and watch you change your tune?)

It might not be entirely their fault. (Well, fine. Then We need a scapegoat, pronto.)

The next time you want some understanding, explain the problem without the drama. (Wow. Harsh. Is that any way to talk to a Liebster Award Winner?)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Eric's Daily Horoscope

Monday, April 21, 2014

Hold me closer, Tony Danza

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Monday, October 7, 2013

I love a piano

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Friday, January 13, 2012

And the mailman won the lottery

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