Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherManDickMonday, October 7st, 2013.
Happy Birthday to Brainard, who turns twenty-four today. In New York. New York, New York, that is. Like the song:
Start spreading your legs…
You know the one.
Also, Happy Birthday to Kevin, who also turns twenty-four today, somewhere in the Pennsylvanian hinterlands called “Center Valley”. Which is, oddly, not at all in the center.
We have seen Kevin naked. Repeatedly.
We thought it important to put that out there, in keeping with JustAnotherManDickMonday.
In fact, We are picturing Kevin naked right now.
Don’t smirk…now We’re moving on to picturing the rest of Our Gentle Readers whom We’ve seen naked.
Heh. We put a row of stars there, just like a Victorian novelist. Kiss Us quick, We’re Jane Austen’s stepsister, Charlotte Bronte Saurus.
But We’re not done with birthdays yet. (Be afraid, be very afraid.) Happy Belated Birthday to Bonnie, who turned twenty-four over the weekend, and also to Melissa, who also turned twenty-four over the weekend. Both of them did that right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles, thus sparing you any further geographical witticisms.
None of the aforementioned birthday celebrants have anything to do with Our upcoming show. (Although you can never tell at what point during said show We might start picturing Kevin naked.) Have We neglected so far to mention Our show, which We are remounting (ooooohhhh!)?
LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour, the best-kept secret of the 2013 Philadelphia Fringe Festival, will be performed for one night only, Sunday, October 13 at 7:30 at L’Etage, so that everyone who was too busy Fringing can have a chance to see it. Getcher tickets here:
In other news, We watched, over the weekend, the Liberace biopic Behind the Candelabra, and were very disheartened to realize that no one called Us when a job became available applying fake tanline makeup to Matt Damon’s ass. Also, We failed to see all this “bravery” they were all so busy congratulating themselves about in the behind-the-scenes. Yes, when One is acting, One often has to kiss someone One is not in love with, and may not even like, and convince One’s audience that One is in love with that person. That’s why it’s called “acting”. Shut up, Michael Douglas.
And here is the HorrorScope:
In celebrity birthday news, there is apparently a baseball player called EvaN Longoria. How weird izzat?
Apropos of nothing, this:
Your emotional side is causing some friction today, but it’s nothing too dramatic. (And just why not, We’d like to know?)
You may just have to cope with some stray baggage that you thought you had checked long ago. (That’s one o’ them metaphor thingies, innit? A really boring one, We might add.)
(We’re just gonna sit here and picture Kevin naked until she changes the subject.)
There are going to be a lot of different emotions swarming around inside of your heart today, (EEeeeeuuuuwwww!!!!)
which could cause you so much confusion that you might get frustrated. (Gee, ya think?)
But the problem isn’t your feelings, it’s your attitude. (Also, it’s not so much the heat, as it is the stupidity.)
Instead of feeling so many feelings, move them up to your brain — and start thinking them through. Take each emotion one at a time, and just try to identify what you are feeling. Once you do, you will be able to find the cause — and then eventually find the cure. (See, now, (A.) that sounds an awful lot like work and (2.) that’s gonna take up a lot of “picturing Kevin naked” time.)
You can tell that your love life isn’t working out at the moment, but you’re not quite sure how to change. (Um, We’re thinking “get a love life” might be a start?)
Contrast the payoffs you get from your current situation with the benefits you’d get from your ideal match. (Again, too much like work.)
(Kevin naked. THERE ya go.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.