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Tuesday, October 8, 2013

I’m f**king Matt Damon

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday, October 8rd, 2013.  Happy Birthday to Josh, who turns twenty-four today in N’awlins.  The Big EasyBreezyBeautifulCoverSquirrel.  We could use Ourself a trip to N’awlins…Josh, how do you think Starzina’s show would do down there?

We are also not entirely sure that We are finished with yesterday’s “Picturing Kevin Naked” exercise.  Especially since We realized, much later in the day, that the circumstances under which We saw Kevin naked repeatedly also involved seeing Allen naked.  Also repeatedly.  So then, naturally, We started picturing that.  

Yep; We’re not finished.

(We are also not Finnish.  But then, no one suggested that We were.)

When We woke up, We had three dreams We were going to tell you about.  As of now, We can remember exactly one of them.  Lucky, lucky you.

Not only do Our dreams recur, they have ongoing sagas.  For example, if We are working at the EAC in Our dream (Evil Acquiring Company, for you newbs),   We have still been made redundant, just as in real life, but We are being forced to go to work for no pay.  If We are going to school in Our dream, there is one class We’ve never remembered to attend which is now giving a final exam.

And, if We are in OurHouseWhereWeLive in Our dream, it is an enormous, complexicated labyrinthine structure with varying levels, rooms within rooms, and multiple wings.

Also, there’s someone else who lives there, whom We never see.

Until last night.

We were contemplating the fact that the stair railing had sunk into the floor to a new height of a foot, when a light when on in the wing (We know, riiight?) across from it.  We ran quickly to said wing, and were in time to catch a Chinaman, with his hand still on the light switch.  We grabbed him by his (crisply starched, pink) shirt…

…and then We woke up.  With the feeling that We had woken up because Our mind had no idea what came next. (Also with the feeling of “leave it to a Chinaman to have a well-laundered shirt”.)

They say that, if you dream that you’re falling, and you hit the ground in your dream, you die in real life. (How the hell they would KNOW that, We haven’t got any idea.)  What could the Chinaman possibly have been on the verge of telling Us? “Rosebud was a sled”?  “Humpty-Dumpty was pushed”? And would it have killed Us to hear it?

All We know is, there’s a Chinaman in Our house, and We’re hungry again half an hour later.

Oh, and, before you start flinging accusations of racism around like so many fried lice, We would KNOW this Chinaman if We saw him again.  Because he didn’t look like all the other Chinamen.

Sigh.  Clearly, We’re gonna have to picture Kevin and Allen naked for a good long time to get over this one.

Chinamen notwithstanding, have We neglected so far to mention Our show, which We are remounting (ooooohhhh!)?  LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour, the best-kept secret of the 2013 Philadelphia Fringe Festival, will be performed for one night only, Sunday, October 13 at 7:30 at L’Etage, so that everyone who was too busy Fringing can have a chance to see it.  Getcher tickets here:

And here is the HorrorScope:

It seems like just yesterday that We were lamenting not being chosen to apply fake tanline makeup to Matt Damon’s ass.  (Mainly because it WAS just yesterday that that happened.  Thyme fries when you’re hacking nuns.)  And here it is today, and it’s Matt Damon’s birthday.  Happy birthday, Matt Damon!  And Matt Damon’s birthday suit.

You are slowing down somewhat (Well, DUH.  Picturing TWO people naked takes TIME.)

— but it’s not permanent. (Which twin has the Toni™?)

(It’s an old people joke.  Move on.)

Your energy is perfect for thinking about big issues and making sure that you are on the right path. (Oh, We are on the right path!  More importantly, We have the right pathology!)

Things are looking up!  (Which is lovely, unless you’re a turkey in the rain.)

Reach out to the unusually introverted person who you’ll be paired up with, today. (Oooh…is it the three-legged race?  Because, if it is, We’re looking for the guy who can win without a partner. (Hint: most likely not a Chinaman.))

(Oh, hiss and boo your own damn selves.)

Only you (Can prevent Forest Whitaker from being fired?)

will be able to draw them out, and they will need to be drawn out — (As will Binky, if you ever want to get to Art School.)

otherwise, the two of you will never get anything accomplished. (Emission accomplished.)


Turn on your legendary charm (Always after me legendary charm…it’s manically meretricious.)

and show this shy person that they have nothing to fear from you. (Also, with six, you get eggroll.  And rosebud was a sled.  And Uranus is a rosebud.  To everything, turn, turn, turn…)

It’s long past the time for you to expand your circle of conversational partners. (Wow.  How would you like to find out that someone considers you a “conversational partner”?)

Try to connect with someone you normally would not even notice.  (Sorry…did you say something?)

Your charm shines (When you rub it?)

when you take the first step today, (Or that.)

especially if your love interest is a bit on the shy side. (Few people know this, but The Shy Side was where Lou Reed was originally going to take a walk.  However, when he got to “and the Finnish girls sing, “Doo da-doo, da-doo, da-doo-doo-doo…” he changed his mind.)

(True fact.)

Remember not to overwhelm them (Especially if they’ve never been whelmed to begin with.)

— they might bolt if things move too quickly!  (There’s a bus for that.)

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.