Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for TurdsDay, October Turd, TrannyTurdTeen.
Happy Birthday to Karen, who turns twenty-four today in New York. New York, New York, that is. Karen appeared with Us in the very first show in which We ever appeared publicly, at the 2008 Fringe Festival. Karen’s brother is very tall. He will be coming to see Our upcoming show on Sunday, October 13 at 7:30 at L’Etage. And bringing Us a single red rose. (Hey, it’s Karen’s birthday, but it’s Our damn horoscope…We can have any fantasy We want.)
Also, Happy Birthday to Dawn, who turns twenty-four today all the way out in Arizonia. Delta, Arizonia, to be specific. What’s that flower you got on? Could it be a faded rose from days gone by?
Why yes; We HAVE lost Our mind…thank you so much for noticing.
We are also Helen Reddy. Not to be confused with Helen ReddiWhip™. Or Hell On Wheels.
In other news of importance (as opposed to other news of imPOtence) We are remounting (ooooohhhh!) Our show, as We already mentioned, , LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour, the best-kept secret of the 2013 Philadelphia Fringe Festival, so that everyone who was too busy Fringing can have a chance to see it. So get your tickets now, kidz; We’re doing it one night only, Sunday, October 13 at 7:30 at L’Etage:
Karen’s very tall brother will be there. We do so enjoy men with long…legs.
In other news, from The When Your Day Starts Out Wrong It’s All Downhill From There Department, We were lying abed this morning, long about 7:45AM, contemplating rolling over and going back to sleep. We had just begun releasing an exceptionally satisfying morning fart (meanwhile, Karen’s very tall brother’s single red rose just wilted), when simultaneously a jackhammer outside on OurStreetWhereWeLive began to jackhammer. In what We found, especially in the first second or two, an extremely disconcerting display of timing. (Did that come outta Us?)
Needless to say (and yet, saying it anyway), there would be no more sleep after that. And, if you could see war-torn Warnock Street, you would marvel that they could find anything left to jackhammer.
(This is a really long fart joke, isn’t it?)
(Also, it occurs to Us to wonder if there is such a word as “needleless”, and, if so, do needleless people become needlessly confused? (We would so love the phrase “less needles” to be employable here, but, the correct phrase being “fewer needles”, We are grammatically shit outta luck.))
And here is the HorrorScope:
Out of all the celebrities whose birthday is today (and lettuce just say, they include Chubby Checker, fercrissakes), We feel compelled to inform you that it is Zlatan Ibrahimovic’s birthday. (Yeah, We don’t know either.)
This is not the right time to make lofty plans or to race off in exciting new directions — you just have to take care of the boring, mundane tasks that occasionally take hold of your life. (Hey, We fart like a jackhammer. Boring and mundane doesn’t enter the picture.)
Your routine is about to be tossed on its ear by a new person. (Just one sentence ago, We were supposed to be “taking care of boring, mundane tasks”. Suddenly, Our routine is on its ear. The hell?)
Suddenly you either desperately want to impress the heck out of them, (Is it just Us, or do “desperately” and “heck” totally not belong in the same sentence?)
or shadow them everywhere they go to find out what their secret is. (The secret is, if they see their shadow, We get six more inches of wiener.)
(Are you sensing a theme in here today?)
They are so different from you (Well, taller, anyway.)
that you find them more fascinating than the latest celebrity gossip, political news or anything else. (We’ll take “Anything Else” for $500, Alex.)
Finding out what makes them tick will be one of those challenges that inspire you to get creative and clever. (That’d be just Our luck…Mister Right finally shows up on Our doorstep, and he’s wired to explode.)
This person is good for you — in one way or another. (So is kale.)
(We have no idea why We just said that.)
Focus on the body now (It’s Our body, and We’ll cry if We want to, cry if We want to, cry if We want to…you would cry, too if Gerard Depardieu.)
— the whole mind/body/heart needs attention, but mostly the middle part. (You’re acting as if “mind/body/heart” is a thing. “Mind/body/heart” isn’t a thing. AssHatt.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.